Anxiety/Bonding/Normal?!

[KateEC91]

I apologise in advance for the length of this post but with mother and baby groups not on I haven’t got anywhere else to turn for some advice from other Mums.

I had a horrific pregnancy mentally and was completely preoccupied with a fear of complications during birth. I didn’t believe I would ever meet my baby. Anxiety just wouldn’t let me rationalise things.

I was lucky enough to have a very straight forward birth and things were fine initially. 8 days post birth, my partner was back to his 14 hour work days and one afternoon after the baby crying endlessly I just laid and cried on the sofa and thought.... I just hate this. I was incredibly low. Then lockdown happened which eased things as my partner was home all day but in the back of my mind I kept thinking... ‘What if I’m only coping because I have help all day now?’

When my partner returned to work things got rough again. I love my baby but don’t feel this overwhelming, all consuming love people speak of. It comes in bursts for me and during difficult times. When my baby was in hospital recenty I was absolutely paralysed with fear of anything happening to him. I know I love him and am fiercely protective but I don’t feel rainbows and sunshine every day as some people say. I still can’t really take it all in and I feel sometimes that I’m looking after someone elses baby. I just can’t get my head around the fact that we made him. It makes me feel so guilty but pregnancy was surreal to me and so is having a baby.

In the mornings, give it 2 hours of playing and feeding and I feel like I want to watch a bit of tv but then feel guilty, which makes me think.... ‘should i want breaks?? Does this mean i dont love my baby?’ This then starts a vicious cycle of constantly questioning every move I make or things I say with my baby. Am i loving enough, am i stimulating him enough during playtime, why dont i feel like a natural etc etc. I so desperately want to feel this all consuming love (which I have done on a few occasions, unmistakably), but this just makes me feel more distant as I am never in the moment. I am always questioning things.

I feel guilty if I feel bored and always make sure I get out of the house as this helps my anxiety. But then i fear that i cant be alone all day with my own child!!

My focus should be my baby and not my own anxiety but I need to overcome this as I cannot let it effect my child.

I have been told that I have intrusive thoughts and anxiety and have had CBT although really found it difficult to click with my therapist. I cannot take antidepressants (I had been advised to) but am having acupuncture and will start st johns wort and try to exercise but my partner gets home from work at 8pm leaving me little time.

Am i normal?? Has anyone experienced this? The more i try to feel this consuming love the more anxiety i have and the worse i feel. Anxiety makes me tired and irritable which is horrid. It can make me feel very frustrated when my baby cries which i hate and just fuels my fear that maybe i havent bonded properly yet.

On my good days I know that I am a brilliant mother and love my little baby. I just cannot stand how the anxiety effects my thoughts and makes me doubt myself so much.

Any help would be hugely appreciated

Oh OP, I recognise this in so many ways from my own experience of first time motherhood. I waited so long for it and like you had a troubled pregnancy for various reasons, and afterwards tied myself in knots wondering if I was bonding enough, questioning why I never got that rush of love and euphoria people spoke of, feeling guilty for being bored and lonely and missing my old life.

Bottom line is I had untreated postnatal depression / anxiety and it was a really tough time. With the benefit of hindsight I really really wish I had taken the antidepressants offered to me. You don’t say why you can’t take them, and of course you don’t have to share that, but if it is due to breastfeeding then please be reassured that there are antidepressants like sertraline which are compatible with feeding.

I wish too that I had realised then the more you try to define the love, put a label on it or dissect the strength of bonding, the more elusive and abstact it appears. You love your baby of that I am sure. Give yourself and your brain a rest from analysing it. I feel quite sure previous generations of women didnt, and in many ways I feel that social media and the whole ‘hashtag blessed’ movement does us a disservice as new mothers.

Motherhood is hard. There are times when it is boring and repetitive, especially with a newborn. Wanting a break, wanting to watch a bit of telly and do some adult activities does not make you a bad mother. Nor does it mean you don’t love your baby. In my personal and professional experience with lots of new mothers it makes you normal.

In danger of turning this into an essay but the upshot is, what you are describing does not in any way make you a bad or unloving mother. The love sounds like it is very much there, and the less you focus on it and try to define it, the more it will creep up on you.

You don't stop being you just because you had a baby. You still fancy a bit of tv, browsing your social media, and chatting with a friend and that is fine. Motherhood is not martyrdom in which you sacrifice yourself for your progenitor.

Something it is hard to find the right balance between the new identity and your old self. Once you understand that they can cohabit together, everything will be fine.

There is not one way to be a great mother, and the judge of how a great mother you are will come from your child, not social media or someone else.

Don't stay in the house, go for a walk not that lockdown has eased. Even if mother group are not back, organise a picnic with friends or go to the Parc. Everyone's life is perfect on instagram, but when you spend time in real life, everyone is the same. Every has good and bad days.

I would however book a phone call with your gp and tell them you are struggling. Post natal depression is a real thing and there is a wide range of medication that can help if one specific wasn't advised (by whom?).

You have the right to find it hard and even boring, but you have the right to be given a little help.

I am French and we are famous for totally ignoring our children .
Everything will be fine. You can have some tv guilt free!

@Puddlelane123 thank you so much for your kind understanding. I am so sorry that you also felt I have spoken to a friend who also had similiar thoughts and feelings to me, although her reaction to those thoughts and feelings are different to mine, which I think is key in any mental health scenario. She tends to shrug things off whereas I cannot help but ruminate. It is almost uncontrollable.
I am unable to take antidepressants due to a medication condition so am trying to make do. I do have some great days and weeks but they tend to be followed by some difficult ones too. I’m not sure about you, but my anxiety definitely bothers me more at certain times of the month and lessens too when I am distracted ...which is difficult being a stay at home mum with the catalyst for your anxiety being a deep fear of not loving baby enough.... but your baby is with you 24/7. It would be like someone who is petrified of heights working on top of the Empire State Building all day! Even now, my silly brain says... don’t compare looking after your baby to work!! Dont be so cruel!
Thank you for the tip, I am going to really try to let my brain let go of the fear. The love is there, I just analyse it too much, which as you so perfectly put, makes it feel abstract.