Is this PND?

[SarahDay1990]

I’m looking to hear from those diagnosed with PND. I’ve been trying to avoid this for a long time but I feel like it’s ruining my life. Prior to having a baby I did suffer with anxiety but was largely fine day to day - decisive, confident but I guess quite a loner (I like my own company and used to try and avoid social situations as they could make me feel anxious) I had my DD in Nov 2018 and since having her I feel like I’ve had a personality transplant. My DD was a newborn that it felt like cried constantly - very unsettled little baby and I don’t live near family so I was largely on my own with her as I used to avoid baby groups etc for fear of embarrassment as she used to cry a lot. Each time I braved a group it would end up in me running out with a screaming baby. Awful memories. I therefore spent much of maternity leave at home with a screaming baby. I think this has impacted me more than I can comprehend. Now a toddler she is still a LO who cries a lot, very demanding and to be honest completely exhausting. Very rarely do we have a nice day together - it’s usually just spent me trying to keep her happy and content as she kicks off constantly. I dread every day. I cry a lot - perhaps 3-4 times a week. The sound of her crying and morning js enough to make me break down. It’s like a huge trigger for me. I can’t make any decisionS and will literally angst and send myself into turmoil about nap times and bed times through fear of her Getting overtired and being hard work all day. I have no energy or motivation and just feel like I want to run away. I’m miserable and lonely. I just have a constant dread feeling in my stomach - constantly on edge. Does this sound like PND? Or is this motherhood? Either way - is there any way to feel better?

It sounds just like my PND. I was terribly anxious about my first-born crying in public too and it made me avoid going out. It is now obvious to me I had PND but it wasn't obvious at the time. I felt ashamed of how I felt and thought I should cope better. So unfortunately I didn't seek help. Years later I did seek help for anxiety and depression and took antidepressants. My lasting regret is I didn't do it sooner. Even if you are not at the stage where you feel you want to take medication, I would encourage you to get your mental health assessed by a health professional and then you can decide what you want to do with the information. And it does get easier, I promise .

This sounds very much like my experience of PND as well. I did get treatment (therapy and medication) and it was life changing. Please talk to your GP about how you’re feeling, motherhood doesn’t have to feel like this.

It’s so silly to say but I just feel so embarrassed and feel stupid going to a doctor when it’s been almost 2 years - I almost feel like a doctor won’t believe me. but I’m completely at breaking point. I find my DD so challenging. Before 8am every morning she’s usually had many tantrums and they continue all day - everything is a battle and I just can’t do it anymore. My mental state feels very anxious and like I’m on the edge...I’m crying now just writing this. I’m exhausted

Your doctor has heard it all before. I in 7 women have postnatal anxiety or depression. It's terribly common and it takes many women 2 years or more to get help. You might want to speak to a health visitor. PND is their bread and butter and they may even be able to recommend a GP with a particular interest in PND. It's possible your GP will not be helpful, but then I would strongly urge you to see a different one until you feel heard. What is your support network like? Have you spoken to any friends or family about your anxiety?

Thanks everyone. Think I’ll brave it and make a doctors appointment...my HV isn’t great. I don’t have many friends - my best friend lives 200 miles away and Im not very close with my parents. My husband knows and has obviously noticed that things aren’t right

You could always ask for a different HV. Does your friend have children? She might be happy to support you virtually. My best tip for depression is to get up and out of the house every day before mid day. It doesn't matter what you do, it's getting up, ready and out that matters. A walk round a shop, round the park, anything. Even if you have to drive to find a good place to walk, it's worth it. Try and get 30mins of walking in everyday. If your toddler can run around too that seems to help.

Don't feel bad about putting her in playgroup/ childcare while you have some me-time. Even a couple of hours off from the grind of being a mum to a toddler would be refreshing.