Bad Karma

[Belle82]

Hi,

(I’m so sorry for my long post, and I’m not sure if this is the best group for it, but I couldn’t really work out where it should go)

I’m think everything bad happening to my little girl is thanks to my bad Karma.

Let me state, I deserve the bad Karma. When I was much younger, my dad left (hasn’t been back since) and married someone else, I was told when I was younger that stress wasn’t real in children so I kind of bottled it up, this is absolutely not defending the next bit, I feel sick and immense guilt every day for my actions.

There was a girl at school I used to bully, even saying this makes me feel sick. We spent some time together as friends (as I was picked on by pretty much everyone else in our class, cried at lunchtimes and in the evenings) so she was my only friend, but for some reason I will never understand I bullied her as well.
I know I am a terrible person so I deserve the bad responses I get on this.

I was diagnosed with epilepsy and had boyfriends cheat on me, been let go of one of my favourite jobs, as well as having crippling anxiety and bad PND with my little girl. All of which I completely deserve with the bad karma I brought upon myself.
I apologised massively to the girl, but it will never take the pain I caused her away, and the guilt I feel for that is overwhelming.

My daughter has had the following since birth:
Very bad reaction to amoxicillin
Various Illnesses (which i know is normal)
Delayed speech - possible autism
She has recently been diagnosed with epilepsy
Has to have an MRI which I am terrified will show a tumour.

It’s brought all my PND & health anxiety back again and I just feel she’s getting all of my bad Karma and the thought of her suffering due to my actions is more than I can bear.

Sorry again for the long post.

Hi OP, I’ve just read through your post and whilst I can’t really offer any practical advice, I just wanted to send some nice words your way.

I understand that you maybe made some questionable actions when you were younger, but I think it’s important that you’ve realised that and that you’ve learned from it. Obviously that doesn’t change the past or how the other person is feeling, but nothing will. At the end of the day, it’s happened, and all you can do is move on from it.

I don’t think saying you deserve all the bad things that’s happened to you is fair at all. You made mistakes when you were younger and immature. And whilst sure that other girl probably will have had a lot of healing to do, a lot has happened to you too and you deserve to heal from it as well. Trauma affects people differently and whilst it doesn’t justify our actions, it doesn’t make you any less deserving to heal from it yourself.

The only thing I would suggest to you is trying to let yourself heal and move on from the past, and believe that you deserve to. It might not help with the physical aspects of things happening to you or your daughter, but it might help you to cope with or come to terms with it more. I find it really difficult to think positively a lot of the time, and also have things in my past that I’m ashamed of, but I do genuinely believe that accepting and learning from those mistakes do make things a little easier, even if it takes time to get there.

OP, the fact that you once bullied another child has absolutely no bearing on your baby's illnesses, your own epilepsy or your PND -- the universe really doesn't function like that. This is, in fact, likely to be your PND talking, and exacerbated by your understandable worry about your daughter. Go to your GP or call your HV and get some help ASAP.