Struggling to cope...

[Makeitadouble1]

Afternoon,

Just need to vent really and see if anyone can give me some advice...

I had my first baby 4 months ago.. Been with dp 3 years who has two young children from previous marriage who we have 50% of the week... I had a category 1 c section because my baby was in distress and wouldn't have survived a natural birth.. For the first few weeks I could barely walk without being in pain my dp had to do literally nearly everything for the baby and I didn't feel that bond straight away... Felt like she hated me and I was useless...

I thought it was the baby blues, felt really overwhelmed...resented my boyfriends children coming around.. Snapped at my dp for everything.. Would cry everyday.. And cut to 4 months on.. Its really not got any better its got worse.

Could I have PND? Everytime my health visitor asks me how I am I lie and say I'm fine because I don't want to make a fuss but I'm really not. I'm constantly stressed... Extremely irritated all. Of. The. Time... Not with my baby... I adore her. The love I have for her is immeasurable... But its just everyone else.

My dp was furloghed during the lockdown so I had him here to help but since he's been back at work I'm just finding it so difficult to do the most basic tasks as she's joined to my hip.. I feel like everything is left to me... The housework/washing cleaning... Cooking...and I physically can't find the time to do it all as he's at work and my baby is super clingy and won't go in a sling/carrier... She's also teething really badly atm.

On his days off he has his kids here, he has to divide his attention between the 3 of them (which I completely understand) but I'm still not getting a 5 minute break to do anything... When I do finally get the house clean again they all trash it the next day. I just feel like it's groundhog day everyday... I'm so exhausted but I don't feel comfortable leavingy baby with family members at all, purely because she's teething and clingy with me.. And I worry about her constantly.

I'm starting to feel really resentful of my boyfriend and kids too and I don't want to feel that way but I feel like they never listen to a word I say or they watch me break my back cleaning to just trash it again...

I just want to curl up in a ball most days and cry.

You should really talk to your health visitor or gp but I understand if you don’t want to ( I just struggled on) it could be pnd or ptsd.
It can be hormonal hating everyone else around you as well.
Lots of posters will probably come with good advice about accessing medical help but as I failed on that one I can only offer practical solutions.
It’s often said on here but get a cleaner if you can afford it, ever if it’s only 3 hours a fortnight it makes a huge difference. Don’t bother cooking proper meals, go for easy options and frozen veg.
Is there anyone (his parents?) who would come round a couple of hours a few times a week when you’ve got all the children on your own to give you a break. You haven’t said how old the older children are.
Put most of the older children’s toys away out of sight and then get one thing out at a time eg farm in the morning, then garden for half an hour lunch, duplo and then something else. You shouldn’t be having to do it all but it is easier if you plan the day a bit especially as going out is very difficult at the moment. Even better if you can get another family member to do it.
If your mum is fairly close try leaving your baby for half an hour with her even if you just have a shower and half an hour to yourself.
I’m sure others will be along with more advice

Thanks. I'm really pissed off tonight. We're moving in a few weeks but have arrears on the property we're renting at the moment due to my dp being furloughed and the landlord being kind enough to reduce the rent whilst this was all happening. Obviously we have to make that up and pay the outstanding amount so I was stressing about it as we don't have that kind of money lying around to pay off in one lump sum and my dp has just told me "god you are so negative... Why are you always so negative? ' I felt like screaming.

I have an entire list of reasons of why I'm so negative right now but don't want to lash out and cause a massive fight. For 3 years I've shouldered the stress of him and his ex wife's arguments about Co parenting. For 3 years I've looked after his kids. For 3 years I've gained 7 stone constantly cooking for him and his children and they won't eat the healthy stuff I cook so out of sheer exhaustion, I've ate the same meals and piled on the weight. I've lost my social life, my sanity, my body, my mental health has deteriorated. Financially I've suffered and got into debt because of him, then I got pregnant and was a punching bag for 9 months with constant worry, anxiety and hormones everywhere, and now I'm trying to juggle a 4 month old, endless housework, making sure everyone is clothed, fed and watered and have no time whatsoever to do just one thing, that would let me have a little mental escape. My hormones are still all over the place... But I'm negative.

I know violence is frowned upon but would it be so terrible if I just went and smacked him right in the ball sac.

I should note I wasnt a punching bag for him.. I meant the baby..kicking punching me in the ribs lol