Obsessional anxiety ruining my experience as mother

[Chocolateandraisins]

I'm sorry if this is going to be too long...
I have a 3 year old girl who was very wanted. Becoming a mother was something I had looked forward to for a long time. There were no problems conceiving her and I had a very straightforward pregnancy. I however started to obsess about everything when pregnant, like the food that could harm the baby etc. Despite feeling stressed and anxious about stuff like that, I was still feeling elated about the prospect of meeting my little girl. Until the last few weeks of pregnancy... I started to worry I would become postnatally depressed and reject my baby. This turned into a nightmare and I became very depressed. When my baby girl arrived I was too numb and low. I muddled through and did everything I was supposed to, but continuously worrying about whether I loved her enough. I've had a lot of help over the years, tried antidepressants and therapy which have helped me understand that it's not that I don't love her, it's that I obsess so much over it that I drive myself mad and can't feel anything. Although I generally accept this, there are times I feel devastated at the thought of how much I've missed because of this obsession. I have spent so much time and still do at times, consumed with the worry, instead of enjoying having my little girl.. I don't know what I'm looking for here, perhaps wondering if there is anyone out there who has had a similar experience..

Just seen that this never got any responses when you posted it so I hope you do see this. Postnatal anxiety/depression is so common - many, many women have had very similar experiences. I know if found it incredibly intense having the massive responsibility of this tiny thing and felt (looking back) that I didn't really make the most and enjoy it and spend a lot of time crippled with worry about 'something' happening. How old is your little girl now? Have you had any proper help/support?

Hello OP,
I had/ have this too. My son is nearly two now and I had awful PND and huge anxiety over the fact that I felt I didn’t love him or love him enough.
Now, when I’m anxious again it manifests in obsessive thoughts about whether I love him enough, if I feel like everyone else, if I have the connection that everyone talks about. I really understand that feeling, and how self defeating it is. It’s like when you say a word over and over again- you’re suddenly like ‘wait what the hell is banana!’ and it loses all meaning. I’ve lost so much time and sanity worrying about our bond and about my own feels, even though it’s clear as day to everyone who knows me how much I obviously do love my son.

I don’t think I’m a hundred per cent healed yet from PND, and I think it can be a much longer road than you’d think. It shook my whole foundations and it’s probably done that to you too.

But things that do help me.... I’ve learnt to identify pretty clearly that worrying about our bond is my ‘go to’ anxious thought. So when I’m tired or had too much coffee or have seen a friend with a baby, I often start worrying more about our bond then. Just being able to identify that it’s related to my anxiety helps me ignore the thought that I don’t love him enough- iyswim. That is, the bond thing is just what my anxiety latches onto- it’s not a real actual worry that has basis in reality.
I know it’s a cliche but all the usual things, cutting out caffeine and alcohol, going to the gym, having a routine, they all do help me.
How are you feeling at the moment? X