You poor thing OP. Sounds like pretty standard PND (not to sound dismissive-I mean that a lot of women have gone through the exact same, and got loads better). I was like you, zero bond, didn’t want to be near him, felt so guilty, hated myself, couldn’t love him, just wished it had never happened. I had PND, told my gp, got lots of help, and no one once suggested that I was a bad mum or they were worried about my baby. And I was having some seriously disturbing intrusive thoughts.
It really was an awful time- and weirdly, it’s only since I’ve recovered that I realise now how awful it was. At the time I was just numb and indifferent to everything.
You mentioned miscarriages- I was fortunate not to experience this, but I imagine losing your babies has affected you too. It’s totally understandable really, that you are struggling to connect with this baby when you lost your other babies.
I think if I had advice to you (and to myself 18 months ago) it would be- please please go easy on yourself. I do truly understand how you feel, but beating yourself up is not the way to make you feel better. It’s the opposite! You need time to feel better and then you will eventually bond with you baby, honestly. I never believed it, and I’d say it took me a good year to truly feel in love with him. And I still feel like that love is growing everyday, and he’s almost 2. But it started from nothing and now is a huge ocean of love that keeps expanding. You can and will get that, I promise. PND is such a cruel fucker.
Some things that helped me when I was really low were:
Doing things I used to enjoy, going for drinks, listening to audio books, eating cheese. Even if I didn’t enjoy them now, then I sort of had the memory of enjoying them (if that makes sense). I found it so important to just do things for myself and remind myself of who I was. Can you take time for yourself?
Another big one for me was that I booked a holiday- I don’t know if you’re in the position to do that, or just anything to look forward to. In the early months, I didn’t want to male any plans, I just couldn’t see what the future held, it was miserable. But I forced myself to book a holiday a few months into the future and suddenly time took on a shape again....
by the time we went on holiday I was feeling a lot better and in a much better shape mentally to start actually bonding with my baby. It grew from there.
The more I talk to other people, the more I’m convinced that the instant love thing is just a myth. I think some people are just more mentally in the right place to bond quicker, that’s all. All bonds have to be worked at, and I promise you yours will come.
Tell the gp, ask for meds (if you want them- they really helped me) and for therapy. If you have one in your area ask if you could be referred to the perinatal mental health team- they are wonderful and have lovely people who can work with you to bond with your baby.
The main thing is- don’t feel guilty, don’t feel ashamed. No one talks about it because the media makes it seem that love is instant and totally biological. I don’t think it is! I think love grows, and some of us take a little longer. And also, women aren’t all the same- I found babies so dull, and still do, but my toddler is so much fun. But equally I’m still so happy to skip off to work knowing he’s having fun in nursery. Everyone’s different; you don’t have to become Mary poppins just because you have a baby.
Take care xxxx