Hi all,
Please bear with me whilst I try and get out what I'm feeling!
I have a 19 week old DS (first), wonderful in every way, constantly smiling and making silly noises, developing well, except I feel awful and really didn't expect to feel like this at this time into it?
DP works shifts in a new job and I seem to find I'm better when he's out of the house all day but it gets worse when he's here for a bit of the day and then has to leave. I've done all of DS' care alone apart from bits DP pitches in with whilst he's at home. I do the majority of the housework too apart from most of the tea time cooking as DP won't do it unless he is asked or made a list as he doesn't know what needs doing (but he will funnily enough usually do things when he doesn't have a choice and I'm out of the house on a KIT day which I've just started doing). I'm talking not ironing his own clothes or uniform as he 'can't iron', discarding clothes around the house or on the floor at the side of his bed or if the cooking makes a mess, leaving it for it to go hard and more difficult to clean off. I feel like I have 2 children!!
I feel resentful that maternity leave didn't turn out to be what I thought it would and dread being left alone with DS as I just feel so bored and wonder how on earth I'm going to entertain him. We do go on walks but I panic that I'm not doing enough for him in the house and he's going to get bored as we seem to do the same things every day.
Going through a period at the minute where whenever I do get 5 mins, he wakes up from his nap screaming, although clearly still tired and won't go back to sleep. Because it's just me I feel trapped and anxious that I can't settle him and why which for the past few days has resulted in me just crying too. My rational side out of those moments knows babies are like this but it doesn't help how stressed and constantly anxious I feel.
I just feel like I've not had a break in 4+ months and then I feel guilty because I'm his mum and I should be there and I love him so much.
I've done 2 KIT days at work so far and I come home like a new person. I love my job and feel sad in that area too because I'm going PT for childcare and money reasons as long term (few years) DP has more earning potential but sometimes just wish I could be there a lot more. I find myself stuck in this awful cycle of remembering how easy everything was before, putting so much pressure on myself to be 'super mum' as everywhere makes you feel you should and then feeling guilty.
Does this ever get better?
Thank you