Not coping

[roobine]

I have an 11 month old who I love very much and is absolutely beautiful, but I feel that I'm just not coping at all with motherhood.
The whole journey has been very difficult - traumatic birth, feeding problems and relationship problems have meant that there hasn't really been much of a stable period since her birth.
Ive struggled with my mood the whole time but it seems to go in cycles of plummeting for a few days and then being ok for a few days so I've never done anything about it. I've recently returned back to work and feel like it's the final stressful event that has tipped me over. I feel totally overwhelmed and unable to manage. I have never coped well with stress - I become moody, irritable and generally difficult to live with.
I just feel so sad and guilty. I'm horrible to my husband. I'm irritable with DD. It's breaking my heart. I just want to be a good mum but I feel like I'm failing at it all. I feel like I should have had the foresight to know that I wouldn't be able to manage all this.
I just don't know what to do. We have no family support and so I just can't see how to improve the situation. I want the best for dd and the thought that how I am being will affect her wellbeing is awful and I obviously need and want to prevent it as much as possible.
Has anyone been in a similar situation and how did you get through?

Are you on medication? Getting any support from GP or perinatal mental health service? If not then ring your GP tomorrow. Perinatal services will only see you if your baby is under 1 yo and you sound like you'd benefit from the specialist support.

I have only just come off Sertraline after a year and it helped me a lot. There's no shame in taking antidepressants and could really help.

There are services out there to support you - reach out to them. The GP is a good first step or your HV (mine was crap but I'm sure that's not true for all).

Things can and will get better, but asking for help is key in my experience.

@Ihaveoflate thanks so much for replying. I was expecting to get replies telling me that this is just normal motherhood stuff and that I just need to get on with it.
I definitely don't attach any shame to medication at all... I just had been telling myself that everyone goes through this and I just need to do a bit better... I'll speak to my GP

@Ihaveoflate can I ask what your experience of pnd was like if you don't mind sharing?
I'm feeling quite stuck on the idea that I don't feel consistently terrible and that I have these periods where things are okish. Is that what pnd is like? I guess I'd always thought if it was that then I'd always feel really down.
I'm also quite capable of putting on a happy face to people when I see them. I have this deep fear that others will think I'm just making it up or attention seeking. I've always had this fear my whole life and so I've always struggled letting people know when I'm not ok. Others definitely perceive me as laid back and good at coping, when I actually feel like the opposite is true - I just don't let people know

I was quite severe so probably not a good comparison. By week 3 I was on the verge of being admitted into the mother and baby unit. I stopped eating completely because the anxiety was so bad. I didn't want to sleep because when I woke up the whole thing dawned on me again, a bit like grief. I just cried all the time and lost all sight of myself. I was a stranger in my own home and the baby felt like someone else's. I didn't say her name for months, just 'the baby'. It was last summer and I just placed around the house bare foot like a feral beast with this screaming baby on my shoulder. I was just a bit mad, frankly!

I was supported intensively by the perinatal mental health service and attended groups at the outpatient centre 4 days a week from about five weeks. This was vital, meeting other mothers in the same position. I could not have gone to a 'normal' group.

I went back to work part time at 13 weeks and it saved me. I actually panicked massively at the start of lockdown because I couldn't bear the thought of being stuck at home with the baby again, but she's a lot older now and it was fine.

These details are quite 'outing' if anyone knows me, but I've always been very honest about things.

@Ihaveoflate I can't even imagine how tough that all must have been. Massive respect to you for getting through it all, it can't have been an easy journey