Postnatal confusion and upset

[Shambles3337]

Hi. Just want some advice about what I'm feeling. I feel quite guilty and embarrassed to be writing all this. Not sure if its baby blues or postnatal depression, but I'm getting quite worried about my feelings and if they're normal. My baby is 1 month old. It's not every day I feel like this, it comes and goes. But when i do, i feel like i regret having a baby. I dont know why, because me and my partner really wanted a baby before I had him and were so happy when when i fell pregnant. I love him and I want to care for him, but cant help thinking I was happier before he came along, like I had a perfect life before. I feel awful saying all this. I've never suffered any kind of depression, so not sure if it's that I'm feeling, or if I have genuinely made a mistake having a baby or I'm not ready for this kind of commitment. Everyone I've spoke to says it's just cos my hormones are all over the place. I hope it is. I always wake up happy and look forward to the day and never have suicidal thoughts or anything like that. It's just sometimes when he cries alot or is awake all evening, that's when I start to think these thoughts. It sounds really selfish I know. I feel really guilty feeling this and feel like I'm a bad mum. I just imagined before I had my baby it would be all happy and amazing, but I dont feel that. Has anyone else felt like this, or has any advice. Thank you xx

It doesn't sound selfish, and please don't feel like a bad mum! Hormones do cause a lot of mayhem after giving birth, but if you feel like you are struggling do speak to your health visitor. It is really hard, especially in the relentless early days, I felt the same as you, and I felt the accompanying guilt etc as well. Now looking back I realise what a huge, astronomical life change it is, and also the physical toll on your body isn't to be underestimated. Please reach out to friends, family and any other support- you are not alone.

Thank you, that's really nice to know. I've spoken to loads of family and friends about it. I know alot of woman get baby blues and PND, but havnt seen that anyone actually sometimes feel like they regret having their baby or that theyve made a huge mistake. I'm just worried that what if those feelings are real and not just my hormones. Everyone assures me that in the future I 100% wont still be feeling that. I just hope they're right. Its confusing feeling such different emotions from one day to the next. It just feels like new parents are expected to be overwhelmed with happiness and love for their baby straight away, so feeling guilty for not feeling what you think everyone else feels.

I felt like this in the early weeks after my son was born. I felt like I’d left the old me in the hospital and I’d never get her back again. My son was planned and wanted but, like you say, sometimes I felt like I’d made a mistake. I felt flat looking at all the new baby cards we received because they all said “congratulations” and “bundle of joy” and I was experiencing the opposite.

It’s such a hard time. Your body has gone through something it’s never done before - however your baby was born - your hormones are wild, you might still be in physical pain, you’re sleep deprived, and all this for someone who cries a lot! It’s no wonder you feel like you do.

I had a lovely HV and GP who didn’t diagnose me with PND but kept a close eye on me - I went to see her every few weeks from about 8 weeks til 16 weeks or so, just to chat. I eventually got counselling for a traumatic time in the hospital just after birth, which helped too. But I got used to being a mum gradually every day before that - I remember realising how utterly besotted I was with him at about 3 months. Of course he was way more interactive at that point which helped a lot. He’s 18 months now and the light of my life.

Keep talking about how you feel, don’t be afraid to speak to your HV or GP, give yourself time and be kind to yourself. Plenty of wonderful mothers have felt the way you do and many more will in the future.

Thank you for you reply. Your messages really help and are making me feel less alone, just knowing other people have felt this, and that it does get better. I will talk to my HV tomorrow. I always feel these things more in the evenings, or when he's having a crying fit. My partners recently gone back to work too, so dont think that helps. Luckily my sister lives with me and my parents are very supportive. Thank you again

Hey Shambles. I felt exactly the same after my first baby even though they were very much planned for and wanted too. I had antidepressants for a while at about 6 months post partum and came off them when I was pregnant with my second. The waves of 'regret' still appeared every now and then and I find them hard to shake off, even though there are many moments of happiness and feeling content in between (as well as exhaustion, frustration and all the other emotions of being a mum!)
Well I soldiered on for over 4 years before I tried counselling and I really recommend it. For me it's really helped having someone that I can express my feelings. Rather than suggesting ways to try and stop or mask them, the therapist helped me to explore where these feelings have come from and that in itself helped me to move on.
Yes you probably are still in the midst of hormones fluctuating at the moment but I would really recommend talking therapy.