Fear of dying

[Somewhereovertherainbow85]

Hi,

I’m not sure what I’m expecting anyone to say but just wanted to know if anyone felt the same/had any advice. I lost my mother when I was 20 & it’s something I’ve struggled with ever since. After losing her I was never afraid of dying because I though if all that heaven stuff is true she’ll be there.

Then I became a mother & the fear of dying became extreme. Now I’ve recently had my second baby & it’s only gotten worse. The fear of leaving my children, of them feeling the pain I have felt, it cripples me. I love my children so much & I know if I were gone their lives would be tainted forever with this weight hanging over their head, every milestone, every problem to not have your mother is awful. No one can replace that, no matter how hard they try. I find myself worrying how my partner would cope, who would look after the children while he works. My mind runs away & to very dark places. Is this normal? Should I talk to my dr?

My mother died when I was 13 years old. I seemed to cope OK until I had my little girl. I then developed severe health anxiety and was convinced I was going to die and leave her motherless as I had been left.

Well I am still here and 75 years old!
Go and see your GP. It sounds as if you have depression.

I was given antidepressants, and took them for about a year, and afterwards I was OK

depression

I'm very aware I need to stay alive for my kids...and I think most people worry about it occasionally.
But you sound on a very different level.. It seems to me you are struggling to cope with the loss of your mother still. Your mind going to 'very dark places' worries me...

Yes I do think it would help you if you could talk to someone and your GP seems like a good start to accessing that.

Good luck!

Thanks for your replies. I certainly wouldn’t say I’m depressed, I’m very happy with my life-it’s just this fear that is always at the back of my mind & sometimes I can’t help but run away with the thoughts, imagining them trying to cope without me.

I agree I’m still struggling with losing my own mum. I have had therapy over it, I’m not sure I’ll ever be ok with it.

Depression does not always follow straight lines - it is not always simple stuff. You are remembering your Mum's death as I do, and it was a long time ago. I don't think I have ever come to terms with my mother's death. She was not there at my wedding or the birth of my child. I still miss her today but can't remember what she sounded or looked like, unless I look at her photograph.

So please do have a chat with your GP - you never know, it might help you. Or try Bereavement websites.

I wish you luck because I know how painful it is to loose your Mum.

Thank you, same to you. I think you just lose something so utterly irreplaceable in every way when you lose your mum. I pray our children won’t have to experience such a profound loss until they’re very old.

I was exactly the same op. I had my first child and I developed extreme health anxiety. Tbh I think it stemmed from post natal anxiety . I was awful and kept thinking I was going to die of cancer, esp in my breast. It got to the point where I couldn't even shower properly because I was so scared of finding a lump and my oh had to wash my hair for me in the bath. It was awful. I was horrendous. I had counselling and it helped a bit. I managed to get a grip on it then I had my second and I wasn't as bad because I knew my triggers. My third baby is four months old and I can feel myself going again. I know it's partly to do with lockdown and feeling locked in and worrying about jobs etc but I need to sort it becaus ei can't go down that road again.
I completely understand where you're coming from xxx

Well my daughter is now 53, so if I "pop off" now it is not so bad!

you are not alone and I think what you're feeling sounds 'normal' for what you've lived through.
I feel like I can relate as I lost my mother in my early twenties (2 years after my father) and being young and suddenly alone, I just had to find ways to cope. I never sought counselling or anything and felt I was 'strong' enough, which I was, until I had my baby last year. I almost died after she was born too which certainly added to the anxiety around health and responsibilities but I have a whole new appreciation for the feelings I experienced and how much I'd never want her to have to endure any of it.
Not sure that anything I've said here will be of any help, just know you're not alone!

I haven’t lost a parent, but I was also overcome with a fear of dying after becoming a mother. I think that was the first manifestation of my anxiety. I would struggle to sleep at night worrying about all the things that you mentioned. It took me a while and my anxiety got quite a lot worse before I finally went to the GP. Anti depressants really helped me, I still worry but much less and it’s much less debilitating, and I can stop my mind from spiralling into such dark places.

It's not depression the last thing you need is tablets, is called parental mortality fear, it's perfectly ok and not even 100% linked to your mum. Sorry about your loss.

My husband developed it when our DS were born. He developed an extreme fear of flying and a fear of dropping the baby, and all kinds of things it was 16 years ago, but it's a simple fix.

He went to NLP not sure where you are based but I can recommend local to me, hampshire .
Within 3 sessions he was all ok, it's a reprocessing of his fear, you could try googling NLP practices or CBT is similar but I don't have experience of that.

My mum died when I was 16. I’m 3 days pp with my second DS and I’m the same. I’m already medicated but I’m still resigned to the fact I won’t see them grow up and it hurts. Speak to a dr. This isn’t normal but it is a normal reaction to your trauma and if you need medication, take it. If you need counselling, then go. Do whatever you need to do to get back to where you were. Just because you’re worrying more about it doesn’t mean it’s more likely to happen. Your mind is not that powerful

Sorry to all of you that have lost your Mum's. I know how horrendous it is. Especially if your mum was your best friend, like mine was to me.
It's quite nice to read that I'm not alone in feeling like this though. I felt like I could have written the original post.
I feel scared of dying all the time too. I lost my mum nearly 4 years ago. She had a brain tumour. One day everything was fine and my mum was happy healthy and fit, and the next she was diagnosed. Given 1-2 years, but died 2.5 months later. It was a very very traumatic illness. This probably hasn't helped my anxiety, as now I'm worried anyone could just die quickly and unexpectedly, including me. I can't bear the thought of my little girl losing me, and worry what would happen.
Luckily I don't dwell on it too much now, but the fear is still there and probably always will be.
It's so sad for us that never got to show our mum's our babies or get advice etc. I'm sad I have no one to ask what I was like as a baby, or to ask what I weighed or when I got my first tooth - my dad can't remember!
So so happy to have my little girl though, and hope I have a relationship with her, like I had with my mum. 💕