PND support

[Hopingforbabyd]

Hi ladies, I'm a first time mum and have just been diagnosed with PND.
A bit of a long one but I'm hoping to get some support from anyone who may be going through similar feelings to keep me going.
I had my baby 9 weeks ago and am incredibly anxious, I have experienced the worst panic attacks which make me feel like I'm going to die. Extreme as it may seem, it's such a horrible sensation to go through.
I have longed for my baby for so long and have a fantastic bond with him. I had 4 years of fertility struggles and was diagnosed with endometriosis which led to my tubes needing to be removed and then heading onto IVF. I feel I haven't closed the doors on my journey and it often makes me so sad. I have been offered support through a postnatal team who will help me get through the past.
My labour was quite traumatic, I had a section due to baby being breech, he was booked in for 16th April however decided to arrive on 15th which was my 30th birthday and that blew my mind that we share the same day. Due to covid I was quickly shipped out less than 24 hours and I felt out of control on the ward as I couldn't fill baby on the breast and I felt I had no idea what I was doing with bottles. During my pregnancy I was very in denial however I loved every minute of it.
My main anxieties during the day is when baby is sleeping I feel I don't know what to do with myself, I have no motivation to get up and have a shower or have breakfast as I constantly feel sick and on edge for when he's going to wake. I can't settle to sleep as I think he will wake and by the time I have fell asleep I've probably only had an hour or so so I'm very tired. I darent leave the house and meet with friends as I'm worried baby will get sad and need feeding. A bit of background my baby has CMPA and because of this I've become obsessed that he needs feeding all the time and I don't know why. I don't want to pick my phone up to message friends or family other than a select few and my DH who makes me feel so calm. He went to work away this week as he really did need to go back to work for financial reasons but this is when everything came to a head and I spoke out.
When I'm most anxious I often dream my baby's in the bed with me and I panic until I realise he's just in his cot. I get sweaty and shakey and I have been sick with anxiety on one occasion.
I've had my mum come to stay with me which if anything actually made me feel worse.
I know I am a good mum to my baby I don't doubt that, it's just my low mood and mindset which I can't seem to get a hold of. I keep forgetting things and I feel I have so much on my plate I don't know where to start.
I feel so embarrassed with how I'm feeling and writing this down I just hope I'm not alone with some of the things I've put down xx

Bless you you sound so overwhelmed. Depression and anxiety I know about but I can't imagine how hard it is if it hits suddenly when you're getting used to being a new mum.

No experience of PND in the early days I'm afraid - I was actually a bit manic after I had my son but had been really worried I'd get PND as I've had depression on and off my whole life.

I'm sure people with relevant experience will be along but I didn't want this sat unanswered and I really felt for you when I read this. It's a really challenging time to have a baby and to have to go to hospital - as you have realised it was traumatic. All i can really say is go easy on yourself - try to have an inner voice that is kind and one you'd use with your best friend. When the anxious or accusatory voice is running try and interrupt it and speak to yourself kindly even some rehearsed lines like I love my baby, my baby knows he is loved, we are doing fine, we are safe etc.

@TheHoneyBadger thank you lovely, they are such lovely words to remind myself of and you're right in saying to have an inner voice. I think I forgot who she was and I need to get her back ❤️ I hope you're doing okay too - I feel lockdown has stolen all I dreamed of and whilst I know I'm not the only one doing going through it I think bloody hell, could I be dished anymore rubbish I just want to be normal lol xx

I had measles as a baby and my mum had to stay in the house with the curtains drawn (apparently i had to be kept in the dark - not sure if that would be a modern recommendation). My sister had brought it home from school and my mum not having been raised in a country with measles or with immunisations for it caught it too. My dad was out from dawn till night as it was lambing season. My sister remembers her not really bonding with me and being angry a lot. Now she'd have probably been diagnosed with pnd.

You are still loving and caring for your baby and managing to feel love and connection with him. Your moods and head are all over the place but you're still doing all the right things. Be kind to yourself - this will settle down with the settling of hormones and time or with the help of medications and therapy.

Would laying close to your baby when he naps helps? Maybe focussing on him and having his presence could be as calming as your partners presence is and you could get some sleep? Fuck the housework and the jobs that need doing. Rest with your baby if you can.

Have you ever tried guided relaxation tracks? Tons on youtube. Light candles, use scented oils etc if that works for you. Try and create for yourself some safe space and some rituals that help you feel safe. If you find finding your own kind inner voice hard then try to think what your partner would say to those thoughts if you were speaking them to him and tell yourself that.

And as trivial as it may seem right now eat well, drink lots of water etc. And when your partner is home try and get out even for just a five minute fresh air walk.

I wish I could be of more use.