This is going to be quite a long and frankly shocking post.
I made a previous post about how I wasn’t sure I wanted to get married to my partner and how we had a baby super quickly in our relationship before I had a chance to work out what I was doing in life. We got together super quickly and I moved into his house because of external circumstances.
Anyways, I realised pretty early into our relationship (say a year when we got engaged) that I didn’t love him (I mean I loved him but not in love with him) and wasn’t sure how to handle those feelings and thought they would go away. Everyone told me to stay in the relationship and that I am mature and don’t know what I am feeling.
So. I listened to them and stayed hoping things that were making me not love him would get better. I tried to tell him gently things that were bothering me but it never did. Because I was so desperate to be in a relationship and I didn’t want to lose a good guy I stuck with him and had a baby hoping it would make him more romantic and caring and be there for me and I hoped it would make me fall IN love with him. Anyways fast forward and we’ve had the baby and I don’t feel like anything has changed.
In fact we have decided to split (my decision) and it hurts because I feel like I held on so long to a relationship that I should have let go of a long time ago. I guess I was scared to hurt him and I was scared to be alone. And I’ve brought a baby into such toxic and crazy circumstances and am finding it hard to relax and bond with my son as I feel guilty knowing I did things the wrong way around and used having my son as a way to try and fix things rather than because I genuinely wanted him.
I am on antidepressants and seeing a therapist so of course no one can make me feel worse than I already do. My ex partner and I have agreed to stay in our house and co parent until we can afford to sell and get a good return on our investment but it’s so hard battling my guilt and living with my ex whilst trying to coparent and be happy around our son without all these thoughts in my head.
My ex is really happy and wants to start a new life for himself and now is a completely changed man doing all the things that I wanted him to do when we were together. And I feel cheated because he’s only changed now that we are together and acts like he has a new lease on life and I feel like stuck that I have to see him everyday be a better person and I’m alone with a baby that didn’t ask to be here.
I know I will be flamed and roasted in the comments I accept that. I just don’t know what to do/any thoughts?