Hey - sorry bit long
So I need some real help and advice with a good few things. Please don't bash me for my reasons - I know I've made some VERY poor choices but I now need help fast.
I had my son 19 months ago. At the time my husband and I was in a really bad place in our relationship and I thought the baby would fix us. I was so very wrong. I still have all the same insecurities and issues with my marriage as I did before we had the baby.
I feel no connection with the baby. I feel this is because I had him for the wrong reasons and also because my husband has hurt me so much, I've managed to turn off my emotions to stop myself getting hurt again but its left with me with no emotions.
I have a 9 and 14 year old also (1st marriage not husbands). The baby has dramatically changed my life again and I feel very resentful of him and what hes caused.
I feel its best for them all to be away from me. I want my husband to leave and take the baby and my others to go to their dad. I want to be alone and to not have to deal with my feelings anymore.
I go through all the daily routines to keep up apperances, work, school, clubs, seeing family, etc etc and I WOULD NEVER hurt my children but I just feel an overwhelming desire for them to leave or me leave so they can all have a better life with a happier "mum" person in it. I just don't want to be a mum anymore.
I am due to see Dr tomorrow - I have been on depression meds before but off right now - but VERY scared if I tell whole truth of my lack of connection with baby, kids and husband they might involve social etc.....so hard to tell Dr how bad it is without telling whole truth.
I don't know what to do. I've made so many mistakes. Wasted so much time of my life.