First and most importantly, you’re not a bad mum.
Secondly, you’ve not lied to anyone, and it’s definitely not too late to seek help and support. You don’t have to tell your partner if you don’t want to, you don’t have to tell anyone at all.
I didn’t seek help for my pnd until my DTs were 8 months. The dr and hv didn’t care one jot how old they were and how long it had been (they knew something was up as I’d tried to seek help as I felt I’d had a nervous breakdown and then bottled it), they were only interested in helping me get better and supporting me.
I coped brilliantly with my DTs despite the fact my world had lost all colour and I was drowning. On the face of it I had my shit together, the babies were loved, cared for and reaching all milestones, but I was broken.
I started anti depressants and I’m still on them now. Took a bit of time for us to get the dosage right, but the world became colourful, I felt bonded to my babies and that they actually loved and needed me. It was incredible, and I’m so grateful for all the help I received and still do. I only wish I’d sought help earlier so I could have enjoyed those early days.
If you feel you need help, please speak to your hv or dr, whichever you feel most comfortable with. There’s no shame in struggling, absolutely none at all. You’re a great mum, you’ve cooked them, birthed them, loved and cared for them for their three weeks on the planet, and now you need to look after yourself too. A happy Mum matters.
Look after yourself 💐