Anxiety, guilt and so many tears

[JLou86]

I’ve not felt this rush of love for my daughter and she’s 18 days old now. I cry everyday. I can just look at her and feel this overwhelming guilt that I’ve brought her into this world, but don’t want anything to do with her.
I feel as though I can’t be around her, but on the other hand I always need to be near her in case something happens. The max time I’ve spent away from her so far is about 2hrs to do food shopping, and again I felt guilty for doing that.
I’m so anxious about going out in case something goes wrong - I can’t feed her properly or I can’t change her etc. I’m so fed up at looking at the same 4 walls at home. She won’t settle in the bedroom with my partner and I at night so we take it in shifts to stay in the living room with her and even then she doesn’t settle too well.
I’m so tired yet can’t rest during the day because I need to be doing something as a distraction from what I’m feeling.
I try to interact with her but I just don’t have the energy.
I’m waiting to hear from my doctor as to whether I want to try talking therapy or some sort of medication. I honestly don’t know what will help.
I feel like I’m in a constant fight or flight mode and I’m worried about how much distress I’m causing my partner who wants to help me.
Does anyone else feel like this? Did anyone feel like this and if so how did you change that?

Yes I felt that way
I was prescribed etalopro for pn anxiety. Best thing I ever did. Try a little walk today. Feed her change her nappy wrap her up in the buggy and head out. Even for a 30min walk. The fresh air will do you both good. Hugs. Its not easy

This sounds very similar to what I experienced. I had awful postnatal anxiety - that fight or flight feeling felt like I was peering over a high ledge the whole time, just waiting to fall or jump.
My GP was very supportive and prescribed some medication which enables me to climb down off the ledge enough to be able to get some sleep when I could, which helped some more.

It took me a while to bond with my baby too - I somehow felt he would be better off if I walked myself off from him. I cried an awful lot of tears that he was stuck with me as a mummy.

It’s a horrible horrible place to be where you are right now. But please seek help. I remember feeling things couldn’t possibly ever get better. But I promise you they do.

I felt like this too. I regretted having my ds every day and felt so guilty about it. But I didn't think to go to the Dr and I wish I had. Go and see your GP. My community midwife was amazing and actually kept me on her books for as long as possible because she knew I was struggling. And I walked. I walked for about 2-3 hours a day...I just wrapped up my ds and pushed the pram. It really helped.

Go and see your GP or call your health visitor. Take any help anyone offers. I promise you it gets better

You poor thing, sounds like classic post-natal anxiety, and meds, company and fresh air are the first things to put in place for that.

FWIW, i didn’t have PND or PNA but didn’t feel that “rush of love” with dd. Not everyone does. I felt responsibility for her, and care obviously because she was so little and helpless, and i thought she was sweet when she wasn’t screaming at me, but it was a good few months before i randomly one day looked at her and got hit with a sledgehammer of absolute lay-down-my-life-for-her love. It comes, no one ever said it had to happen to a certain timetable. And sleep deprivation and bad brain chemistry are major interrupters for that sort of thing. It will get better. First move is going to see your gp and tell them what you’ve said here. They see it daily, and no one will judge you for it.

How was the birth? I had a rush of love, well the hormone oxytocin with the birth of my second but I had a C section with my first and I didn’t start to love her until 6 weeks. When they first smile at you it starts easier.

How are you feeding? Are you able to safely cosleep?

As for going out try really small steps at first. You for a walk at first, if she is in a sling then she will sleep. Then a trip to cafe or a quick drink. As you challenge yourself to do little things you will realise you can do it.

Sorry for just giving practical advice.