Feel so rubbish

[SparkleUK]

Just had my baby on Thursday and I really do feel so rubbish, guess I just needed to say it somewhere as I'm keeping it all to myself, please feel free to ignore the upset ramblings!

I absolutely adore my little boy, he's everything and I feel so lucky. However, my partner started a new job a couple of days before I gave birth so can't have any paternity leave as it's training for many weeks and maybe as ridiculous as it sounds, I'm slowly becoming more and more resentful that his job is causing me to feel like this (didn't get given a start date until I was quite a few months pregnant).

I'm literally so scared of being by myself and lonely. Everyone always says they'll be there but it feels like no one is and I'm just left alone all day with the constant worry of learning about a newborn with a partner that I can't share that with. I would have felt so much better if I'd have had him for two weeks so we could've learned together and built my confidence. I'm just so scared I'm going to be rubbish or that I won't be able to do what he needs. Then I feel worse because there's single parents who do amazingly and wonder why I can't be like that.

I had such a bad day today, probably something seasoned parents laugh at (toileting related that took me ages to sort out) but I was so panicked that he was hurt because he slept for an extra hour than usual afterwards. Literally a massive panic.

I've had stitches so I still struggle with soreness etc but I don't get any help with the house jobs unless I specifically say what I want doing but then it feels that I'm just a nag and I might as well do them myself. I feel like I look awful too - haven't washed my hair, roots coming through, little pouch. Then I beat myself up for being so superficial.

I've tried talking to my partner but I really don't think he understands how overwhelmed I am and just says I knew it would be like this. I spend loads of time just crying and I don't know what to do.

Birth and having a new born is a horribly traumatic time. I really don’t think enough is done to prepare parents for what is to come.

In terms of the baby sleeping, newborn sleep is a bit all over the place any way so I wouldn’t worry too much about that. Also try not to panic too much about his needs. At this stage they need to basics: food, burping, nappy, sleep and lots of cuddles! I know a crying new born can be very stressful, but if you just work through the list, it will be one of them. Sometimes a burp takes ages to come up!

I would definitely try to ensure you are washing at least every other day as that in itself helps you to feel better. Also, as scary as it sounds, chucking the baby in a pram for a short walk can do wonders.

You can make ice packs that are good to sit on (through clothes) which would help reduce the swelling around you stitches and also have sitz baths to help the wound heal.

It’s a very difficult time but it will get better I promise.

Firstly, be kind to yourself, you on,y just had your baby! You’re probably still partly in shock, hormones are everywhere, and I’m sure you’re shattered. It’s such a steep learning curb. But all little babies need are milk, cuddles, sleep, to be warm and to have clean bums. That may take up your whole day, but you can totally do it! Don’t worry about your house, cooking, anything like that. Your job is looking after your baby, everything else can wait. Your partner can help with that stuff in evenings/weekends if it really needs doing. Doesn’t matter if you look shit! I don’t think I touched makeup or got properly dressed for the first month, I was too overwhelmed, even now at 5 months I’ve just accepted at the moment I can’t spend as much time on myself and that’s ok.
Is there anyone around who can pop in and help? Family or friends? If you’re struggling, contact your health visitor and they may be able to help too.
Day by day, hour by hour. In another few weeks it’ll be totally different.

Thank you for replying and your advice. I feel like I can do what he wants but I'm so tentatively just going through the motions because I'm so scared I'm going to hurt him or do something wrong and I dread the thought of another day.

Thank you - I'm showering every day with a non perfumed gel for my stitches but literally the quickest one ever whilst he's asleep - I feel like I've lost myself and whilst there's changes for the best reason, nothing prepares you for them and I'm putting so much pressure on myself to just be 'normal' again.

I guess I just want someone to be here so that if I have to sort something and it takes time, someone else can take over or help with another job (setting off the kettle for feeding or doing some cleaning) but I just feel miles apart from partner at the moment.

Not to sound rude, but are you ok financially? I don’t know if you’ve ever heard of a post natal doula? Basically you pay them to come and help you out for a few hours a day however many times a week. They will do most things. So they will watch the baby whilst you do things, do housework whilst you are with the baby, get shopping for you, just sit and have a chat with you etc. I’m not sure how much it costs but may be worth looking into if you could afford it?

No rudeness taken - we're okay financially (supposed to be moving house in a few weeks time though too).

I will have a look at that, thank you.
DIL has came and sat with me for a few times but I feel most people just want to come for the baby cuddles and not for any actual helping - sorry, having a right pity party

Please do have a look as it could really help. Also have a look at baby massage classes or something similar to start in a couple of weeks once you feel a bit more confident. You’ll find a lot of first time mums are going through very similar and it gets you out of the house and bonding with your baby I also did an outdoor exercise class where you took the baby in the pushchair. It was great to get the fresh air and some exercise, plus you meet people.

It can be a very lonely time having a new born and it’s very overwhelming. My second is 8 months now and to be honest I’ve found it more overwhelming this time than I did the first time! But every day is a victory and I keep reminding myself that really the shortest stage of their life is the baby stage!

Have as much of a pity party as you need. It is a tough, tough time, especially if you are dealing with it all on your own during the day.

1. Don't worry about cleaning. Dishes, laundry, vacuuming etc can all wait.
2. Don't worry about being in your pyjamas at midday because you two needed to feed, nap, cuddle, that's all fine
3. Make a plan each day that involves getting dressed (loose rules apply here) and out to the local shop/park for a walk. I used to be delighted if we made it to the corner shop by 3pm to buy a random pint of milk/pack of biscuits
4. When your partner is home they need to contribute. You might have been "sitting at home in your pyjamas" but you're also figuring out something incredible and that more than equals work.

Each day and week should become more familiar and you will, I promise, gain confidence in time. Best of luck.