Struggling to cope with a newborn

[clairelouise96]

I've just had a baby 6 weeks ago and I'm having thoughts of hurting my baby and ending my life I'd never do it but it's so scary having these thoughts I constantly feel sad and crying I don't want to go out cause I feel like when I go out and the baby cries everyones watching me and sometimes I just wish I never had him and I feel so bad for having these thoughts but it's so hard not to when the babies crying and I don't know why and I've tried everything I can I'm not eating sometimes I go days without eating im not sleeping much with the feeds in the night and I can't sleep in the day Im hardly showering or bathing cause I feel like I have no time and I have no energy too I feel like I can't cope and I'm a shit mother. I'm too scared to speak to my GP or HV incase they get social services onto me and take my baby away from me😢 I've told my partner I'm having these thoughts and he just judged me saying how could I ever feel like hurting our baby but he just doesn't understand I'm the one with him 24/7 doing the night feeds dealing with the crying he goes to work and has a break from the crying but I don't and then you've got to clean wash bottles sterilise them try and look after yourself plus this little baby it is so exhausting and hard! I don't wanna be alone with my baby sometimes does anyone else feel like this or is it just me am I a bad mother what am I doing wrong 😭

You sound like you have serious post natal depression. I am sure someone with much more knowledge and experience than
me will be along soon with some advice and support for you, but if you are thinking about hurting yourself or your baby please please speak to your GP urgently. I would have thought they'd be unlikely to involve SS in the first instance but again I am sure someone else with more knowledge will be able to tell you more. Sending hugs and support x

Thank you for replying to my post, my mam has said the same thing that it Sounds like post natal depression, I'm going to give the GP a ring in the morning for an appointment and I'm just gunna be totally honest about how I feel and hopefully they can help x

Ahh you poor thing, trust me when I say, I've just refilled the bath twice as I haven't managed to get in it for the last 3 hours.. my daughter is now 10 weeks old, my Lord it's tough. I was EXACTLY the same as you. I'm 27, not a young mum but thought 'oh my god why didn't I wait' this is the hardest job in the world. She cries all the time. Sometimes won't be put down.. you name it. It does get easier, but I'm having a bad day too! You're not alone.. I feel like a single mum all week as my fiancé is out the door from 6-6. I have found that children's centre groups are ok, and gets you out. I didn't want to leave the house either as I'd think 'what if she cries' etc etc but getting our saved me. Make it your mission to do just one thing a day.. go for a walk, go and grab something for tea (a ready meal! Lol it's all we live on!!), see a friend, just something. And definitely make the drs appt. they will understand you 100000% and see this every day. It's so common. Trust me when you say you'll look back at this post when you're feeling a bit more human and probably laugh!
It's tough, really tough, I'm still in the 'when does this get easier phase'. Infact this is how I came across your post! As Mumsnet came up on google!!
You're doing amazingly, being a first time mum is so tough. The dr will help you, make that call xxxxxx

Bless you. It sounds like you have PND which is what I had. Please don't feel ashamed you are ill and that isn't your fault. Please go and see a doctor, that's what I did and it helped me massively.

Thank you so much for replying to my post it's so nice to hear that someone else feels the same way I feel not that I'd want anyone to feel this way, it's the hardest job in the world and everyone keeps saying it'll get easier and I'm just like when cause it's feels like never, I need to get out more but I get anxious when I want to go out thinking oh god the baby's gunna cry il have to feed him in public everyone watching etc, I'm going to try and go to a baby group this week, and I'm going to the doctors tomorrow thank you for replying it made me feel like I'm not alone xxx

Yep go to your GP & tell them you're feeling low, focus on your feelings - the wish to hurt your baby is a response to these feelings, any good GP will know what to do

I felt the same. I was never diagnosed with PND and was adamant that I didn't have it, the only person who knew how severe it was was my DH. I didn't have any treatment and I recovered myself gradually as the main trigger points for me where a) breastfeeding difficulties, b) the fact that my daughter cried all the time for no discernible reason, c) isolation and d) my physical recovery from the birth. As all of those things slowly improved over time I was much better by about 8-9m PP and i think going back to work at 9m helped too.

I started to get some support by talking to my HV and GP around 5-7months in. It did help a bit. I was offered ADs but refused. I couldn't access therapy as waiting lists were so long I was back at work by the time and then couldn't fit it around work and childcare but didn't really need it by then anyway. Being honest though I was not up front to HCPs about my darkest thoughts for fear of SS intervention and I can't say I would be forthcoming if it happened again either. I'm not saying that's the right thing to do but I think it's probably the most common.

With hindsight I wish I had sought help from GP and HV earlier. Maybe I could have accessed talking therapies if I had asked for it sooner. I also wish I had stopped breastfeeding earlier and that I had pushed myself to take DD out more often/earlier on despite her screaming. I think all of that would have helped me.

if you go to your GP and talk about even half of what you wrote here, they will be able to help. You are experiencing a chemical imbalance in your brain. You are not at fault in any way.

I would also like it if you could tell your husband that you need more help. You need him to sterilize the bottles after work or just hold the baby while you take a long shower. However, I also understand how it can be to ask for help and be shot down. So I offer this advice carefully.

I was so relieved when I finally asked my GP for help. It was absolutely no big deal.

Please speak to both your HV and your GP tomorrow. I left my pnd and struggled on for months without any help and I look back now and regret that. It won’t feel like this forever. Becoming a parent is a big shock however much you think you’re prepared. Sit down and have a frank conversation with your OH. Tiredness can also impact on how you feel so if he can help you with night awakenings for a while that will make you feel a bit more human. Well done for being honest though, it’s nothing to be ashamed of, it’s out of your control. But you can get help and hopefully within a few weeks you will start to feel a lot better x

Oh I should have said too that your DH needs to step up! Mine did more of the night wakings than I did once I'd completely stopped breastfeeding around 12weeks. He did anything I asked of him, he would make me lunch when he made his own ready for the next day, he would often but food shopping on his way home from work, when he came in from work I would pass the baby to him (apart from for breastfeeds when I was still BF) and go and make tea and rest and/or tidy up and he would deal with baby. He did all the nappy changes if he was around. Even when I was still breastfeeding he would sometimes give an odd bottle of expressed milk and I would go to bed early and get sleep instead. On the weekend mornings we would usually take turns having lay ins. You need more support, this baby has two parents!

Some things I found useful in the early days were:

Putting baby into a bouncer and positioning it to face the shower while I shower. You can peek out and smile at them if they need you.

Lots of easy foods that you can eat with one hand. Literally even biscuits and crackers - anything that saves time and keeps you from starving.

Lowering my standards for house chores etc. Bare minimum, that's it.

And if you have any family or friends you can call on to help, even just to hold baby for an hour while you catch up sleep, then be honest and ask for their help.

Good luck OP

Op I had the same thoughts with my first ,12 years ago it was really scary to have such horrible thoughts I went to the doctor's straight away and he put me on medication and things got alot better I now have 2 DC and another on the way it was a horrible time back then and I thought everyone was judging me they really weren't please see your gp things will improve alot when you seek help good luck

I'm so sorry to hear this OP.

I too had PND after the birth of my first and whilst I didn't have thoughts of harming him or myself, I felt as though I didn't love him, didn't connect with him, there was no bond. I didn't want him. I had tried for him for a long time, he was planned, loved, then I gave birth and my hormones went wild.

It was awful.

The change in me was also physical. My facial expressions disappeared, my mannerisms changed, the way I walked, everything. I was like a totally different person.

Because of this it was easy for people to spot. My HV noticed immediately and to her credit she managed to get me on a waiting list for therapy but I was bumped up because it was post natal. Maybe this can happen for you?
I went to the docs and they put me on medication.

I got better and you will too.

It DOES get easier but you won't believe it till it happens. I didn't!

Go to your Gp and your HV.

It's common.
It doesn't make you a bad mother.
Seeking help on Mumsnet shows you recognise this behaviour and want it to change.
That makes you a great mum.

Please go to your GP or HV I have felt this way for two years. Please get the treatment that you deserve to get better. They won't judge you, they will help you.

I just wanted to say OP the thoughts your getting are normal also. It does sound like PND but intrusive thoughts are normal and really common when you've just had a baby, I remember with my first when she used to cry Id get horrible thoughts flashing in to my head of just running a bath and putting her in it or dropping her out the window which petrified me, or ones of myself just leaving the pram down the road and running away.

I ended up speaking to my GP about it and he said there so common it's not really an indicator of PND as such, but where you are so protective of this newborn baby, a million and one scary scenarios and thoughts run through your head almost like they are waiting for your reaction to be repulsed by them to know they are not ever going to happen.
I've not long had a third baby and I still get them now sometimes when he cries I just think why did I have you what was the point and then I feel awful for thinking it, but it's just a thought.
Speak to your GP it will get so much better x

Google intrusive thoughts, help u understand

OP where are you? Just wondering as you said 'mam' if you are in Ireland?