Why couldn't I just do it

[popgoesperfection]

Lo is 12 week, bf for the first week and expressed for a week then went to ff after struggles with latching, supply and just general struggles. Baby enjoys his milk, happy and gaining weight brilliantly (weighs at least 14lb) but I can't get over the guilt and disappointment that I didn't succeed with bf, it makes me feel so sad when I see others feeding their babies, I know it sounds daft but I feel embarrassed and inadequate when I'm out and about and start feeding him with bottle. Are there any other mummies out there that feel the same or have done in the past?

Loads of us feel the same I think. My DD is 20m and I still feel like this although I try not to and I don't think about it that often anymore of course. Formula is absolutely fine for babies and we can only do what we can do. The consultant at the tongue tie clinic said to me "some babies are just not meant to breastfeed" - my DD didn't have a tongue tie but feeding was excruciating for me and she struggled with her latching etc. I struggled on with mixed feeding til she was about 12 weeks when she eventually refused the breast completely so the decision was made for me. I was depressed as a result of the feeding difficulties and though I can't shake the guilt, with hindsight I actually do wish I had moved to formula earlier rather than us all suffering as we were, for no real gain. You are doing right by you and your child. Also formula feeding is the norm here anyway, people won't be thinking anything of it.

I didn't manage to breast feed at all, for a combination of issues - me and him! I did feel guilty about it. Every doctors appointment I went to for him started off "And he's breastfed?" So it felt like I spent ages defending myself, for something that never needed defending!

He's two now and I can't remember the last time anybody asked me how he takes his milk he goes to nursery and you look at all these other children, and guess what, nobody can tell if they were breast or bottle fed.

It does take time, but you will start to feel better about it and it will be a distant memory before you even realise

My ds gained weight beautifully even with a 95% tongue tie. He fed like a trooper and generally did beautifully.

I on the other hand had mastitis twice and ended up on fluids in an and e on day 11. I suffered a bereavement at 11 days post partum too. I had cracked sore nipples and had to stop feeding. I actually feel like I wouldnt have bonded or would likely have developed post natal depression if I had fed.

However, I totally get the guilt and still feel it 20 months on. I wonder if I should have pushed harder, put up with the pain, just "got over it". But I have to realise I have a beautiful healthy toddler and not feeding allowed me to be the best mother I can be to him. We all do our best

Thankyou for your replies I don't know why it bothers me so much !! My oldest wasn't bf and I never even tried and it didn't bother me then, maybe it's because this time I was so set on doing it and it didn't work out ?

I struggled on and on and on with my baby who wouldn't latch properly and had a poor suck when he learned to latch and I didn't produce very much milk either.

We ended up in hospital when he started losing weight.

I was in this weird crazy breastfeeding tunnel where literally all I did was try to breast feed or try to express milk. Constantly. Until he was 3-4 months.

I was miserable, he was miserable, and it affected my bonding. I didn't bond with him, he was just this thing I had to look after. There was no emotion. I was numb.

I eventually decided to stop (thankfully!) and we were both much happier almost immediately and I finally started to bond with my baby.

I wish I'd done what you did and given up sooner.

You made the right choice for you and your baby.

I bf my first baby, he came out and latched straight on and fed pretty much hourly until 18m, no issues at all. Baby no 2 came out sleepy and shocked, was taken off me straight away so never got golden hour, idiot nurse made stupid comment about how I didnt have a clue what I was doing when I was finally given him to feed, bf support was terrible and involved nurses cramming my nipple into his mouth then giving up, he had bad jaundice so slept for for 48 hours. Was told by 2 pediatricians definitely no tongue tie to be later told at 5 weeks significant posterior tongue tie which was now functional but obviously by then had lazy latch and massive bottle preference. Told repeatedly by (male) docs who dismissed TT that I wasnt trying hard enough to bf when after 48 hours of him completely unable to latch and take any nutrition I decided to pump and give him something to eat.

So no, no guilt here! I know what it feels like when a baby is latched properly and I just knew my DS could not do it no matter how hard he or I tried. He is thriving on his bottle and becoming nice and chunky and very content and happy. As an ignorant first time mum I would probably have been judgemental of bottle feeding mums not having a clue how easy I had it and how difficult and soul destroying that first few weeks are when your baby just wont latch.

Also none of it really matters when your kid is 3 years old and requesting McDonalds on a daily basis. Dont let shame and guilt ruin these early days with your lovely baby.

Breastfeeding is really hard. I had to give up both times because it was just too much for me and I think it contributed to my PND. I wrestled with the decision at the time and I know what you mean about the bottles, but now they're both in school it's a distant memory and now I couldn't give a fuck! They're both healthy, happy girls and your baby will be too. Fed is fed, you're doing the best thing for you and baby

Oh OP. You poor thing. I think the guilt is just a version of the guilt all mothers feel for something. You just have your own particular flavour of guilt, it’s all essentially the same. If it helps I bf DD1 for 26 months. I should- in theory- not feel guilty, right? Ha ha as if. I feel guilty because she refused once my milk changed after her little sister was born. She absolutely refused to tandem feed. So that’s my first flavour of guilt. And then DD2 just started refusing the breast at 8 months old. Just one day wouldn’t do it anymore. But her sister fed for more than twice as long! So in my mind, even now, I think it must have been something I did to make her stop, even though I still don’t know what! They’re now 6 and 4 and I still feel guilty about this and think about it sometimes, but I have to catch myself at it and remind myself that nobody at my daughters year 2 parents evening is asking me if she was breastfed and that nobody observing my other daughters reception class can tell if or how long she breastfed for.

Give yourself a break, motherhood- or my experience of it so far at least- is 10,000 different ways to feel guilty. If your child is happy and you’re happy then that’s half the battle won. Sending you lots of love.

I know lots of mum's struggle with this guilt, but you really really shouldn't. You love your baby and sometimes doing the best for them is simply doing the best for yourself, so you can function and not be in pain.
Honestly your baby will not care whether they are getting formula or breastmilk, as long as they are not hungry.
I work with children and there is absolutely no way I could tell which were breastfed and which had formula.
It's really sad that as mum's we feel so pressured all the time to the extent we stop trusting our own instincts.

I feel the same way completely. I just had my first, he is 4 weeks and breast feeding has been an ongoing battle, with latch and supply issues. I really hate feeding and hate the constant expressing. I feel like I don't get to bond with my son as much as I am constantly trying to find people to hold him so that I can go to express. I haven't made a decision about when I'm going to give bf and ebf for but I think of how much happier we could be if we just straight formula fed. I feel so jealous of mums who can just do it so easily.