Do I have PND?

[Tiredbutiloveyou]

3.5 months post EMCS.

For the first 2.5 ish months I was perfectly happy and felt like I was doing really well with my recovery and getting used to being a mum. DD was a pretty good sleeper to begin with and I was EBF.

She has been pretty poorly for a few weeks with hand foot and mouth and then immediately got cold afterwards and so, her routine* was heavily disrupted for a while as she just wanted to lie on me so I let her sleep on me a lot until she felt better. However I think I’m paying the price a bit for this now because she won’t go down. I’ve found that she will only sleep through if I cosleep but it’s affecting the level of sleep I am getting which in turn is affecting my mental state.

When it comes to daytime, I don’t want to shower and get ready and take her out anywhere. She’s a terrible napper and it takes hours to convince her to have a snooze sometimes and when I take her out she gets so overtired which is overwhelming and difficult for me as I pay the price at bedtime when she desperately wants to sleep but is past it and fights it.

I don’t feel any struggle bonding with her as I absolutely adore her however I keep getting these horrid feelings of regret about having a baby. I keep thinking we may have made a mistake. I feel terrible saying that ‘out loud’.

I have told DP how I am feeling and he was lovely about it and said I should have told him sooner but still does nothing to help me or give me a rest. (For example he works mon-fri. Today is Saturday and he’s gone out all day and left us at home)

I told my mum, sister and friends and again they were all really nice about it but none of them have tried to help me out.

I feel no motivation to do anything, I struggle to leave the house. I signed us up for a baby group last week but had to cancel because LO was poorly.

I don’t know whether I have PND or if I’m just exhausted and it’s taking its toll on me.

Last night I decided to attempt to follow some advice I was given on letting my little girl cry for a bit in her cot. Not so much cry it out but still leaving her to cry for several minutes before going to her. She would stop as soon as I pick her up and settle into my chest fast asleep. I can’t bear to hear her crying as it breaks my heart but I didn’t know what else to do as she’s become so dependent on needing me to fall asleep. I’m just so tired.

It’s scaring me a bit how tired I am because, twice this week whilst driving with DD in the car I have felt myself nodding off. Hence deciding to —try— implement the sleep training last night out of desperation. Without getting enough sleep I am putting her in danger.

I don’t know what to do :(

Also - I thought DD had reflux as she ticked every box so myself and DP decided to try anti reflux milk. It helped straight away but she seems to have become quite constipated which upsets her. I feel guilty for making her feel uncomfortable but then I feel guilty when she is uncomfortable from the reflux and I can’t work out what is wrong or right.

My HV won’t return my calls and my GP is useless, rude and unhelpful. When I took her with hand foot and mouth he sat on google and told me it was probably that. Had no suggestions other than to ride it out until I returned and insisted he tell me what I could do for her because she was in pain and frustrated with the itchiness and he eventually told me I could use bonjela and calamine lotion which helped her immediately!

I feel like I’m alone and I’m getting it wrong and making her feel unwell and it’s making me feel even worse

It’s like I’m drowning but I haven’t sunk yet so everyone just keeps looking over and asking if I’m okay...

It might be PND or it might just be a bit shit just now. I have PND at the moment so I can sympathise with how you feel. Your DH should be giving you practical support not just saying the right things and passing off so try having a conversation with him about that. I would go back to the doctors but I would see a different doctor. Don't be afraid to let them know how you feel at your worst. I have good days and bad days but the bad days are awful.
DS has reflux and is on gaviscon to treat it. It makes him constipated but that seems like the lesser of the two evils. My health visitor suggested an ounce or so of cooled boiled water to help him. He sleeps much much better when his reflux is under control.
I know how awful it is to be stuck in the house, my car seat is in to get repaired and I'm hating it but if you think you might be dangerous behind the wheel don't do it, go for a walk or get someone else to drive you.

@amazedmummy thank you for your reply. It’s nice to not feel so alone!

I think I will try to get an appointment with a female GP as I feel they are more empathetic to discuss both how I’m feeling and the reflux. Did you need to take your LO to the doctors re reflux as, I hate taking her as she seems to always pick up an illness when I take her! Seems cruel taking her when there’s no need for her to be there!

We did have to go to the GP. The initial treatments will be thickeners like Carobel which is similar to anti reflux milk or Gaviscon which is a kind of thickener but it thickens in his stomach rather than in the bottle. We tried both but the Gaviscon works best for him so we're sticking with it, my health visitor said we'll leave him on it until we start weaning. You could try giving them a call and see if they want to see her? There's not really much of an examination for reflux just you describing symptoms.

Our practice I think only has female GP's I've certainly never seen a male one and they've been lovely. I know I'm fortunate though. The thing that made a difference for me was telling them how I felt at my lowest. The first time I made an appointment and went down and I was having an ok day so they sent me on my way. The next time I went I explained how I'd felt a couple of nights earlier when things had been really bad.