PND or Post natal anxiety, do I need help? I don't know what to do.

[Mewbookitty]

Hi there,
My son was born on 2nd Dec after a 14 hour induced labour with no complications and he was perfectly healthy. About 3 days later once we got home, i felt completely overwhelmed. I found it hard to accept our lives had changed for good and with all these new responsibilities i really struggled emotionally and put it down to the baby blues/ exhaustion.
Every day I felt more and more anxious and felt I was struggling to connect with my gorgeous boy and I constantly panicked something could happen to him and questioned whether what I was doing was right for him. Some days I didn't even want to deal with him and wanted my fiancé to do it all. My mum who did suffer with PND talked me through everything and reassured me constantly and was there whenever I needed her which was great and as the weeks went on I found everything that bit easier and I felt less emotional and started to bond with my boy.
Then my anxiety reappeared in full force but this time on myself I was in a state thinking I was going to die leaving my little boy to grow up without me, what would happen to him, I was going to loose him and my fiancé etc. That started to calm down but I still didn't feel 100% and I just kept telling myself not to put too much pressure on myself as at this point I was only 6 weeks postpartum and I would see how it goes.
I'm now 8 weeks postpartum (tomorrow I'll be 9) and I still don't feel right. Something to me feels off but I can't pin point it, I still have days were I cry but I don't know why and I get that anxious feeling in my belly. I feel so spaced out like I'm drunk and detached from reality and I can't ever see myself feeling happy or normal again even though I love my little boy. Now I feel guilty for feeling like this as I didn't feel I had a traumatic birth, my son is healthy and very content, I'm getting at least 5-6 hours of sleep (not in one go), I have a very caring and helpful fiancé and we have a great relationship, my mum is very supportive, yet I keep asking myself why do I feel like this, I shouldn't feel like this...what's happened to me!?
Everyone says it gets easier and I will feel normal again but I feel like that will never happen and I should be past these feelings by now, do I need to see my GP or stick it out another few weeks?

Please talk to your gp. You may find that talking to a dr can give enough reassurance, or they can offer treatment. It is normal to feel overwhelmed and anxious but you do seem to be more anxious. I felt like this with my 1st and didnt get help, I cant remember much from those first 6months of her life.

Book an appointment to talk everything through. It cant hurt. Remember your life has changed and its bloody hard work. You have got this.

Are you breastfeeding?

I breastfed for the first week and then switched to bottle. I still haven't had a period but tested negative for pregnancy.

Yeah I think I'm missing my old self like ive lost a part of myself if that makes sense? I look at my son and I'm filled with love but also anxious! I'm going for CBT therapy next week and the health visitor is coming for listening visits and I'm waiting to have a blood test to check for anemia and test my thyroid.

Hi, the reason I asked about breastfeeding was that I had similar feelings but I attributed them to breastfeeding - it would mess with my dopamine levels.

I also think talk to your GP, there's no shame in how you are feeling. Don't think why you are feeling this way because PDN just is, it's not anything about you, if anything, it's probably genetic since your Mum had it. You're still quite early into this - I would say I didn't feel normal again until baba was about a year old but even then I'm not sure if I feel like my old self or I'm just used to my new self. It does take time to adjust and over the course of the year every day feels a little easier, and as baba gets older you gain back a little more independence. Can you do something that's just for you? I went back to college one night a week and that helped me feel like I was doing something just for me. Even just a night out with friends can work wonders.

I too was extremely anxious about dying, losing my baby, breaking up with partner - lots of scenarios that all invloved loss. I would go to bed at night and write my will in my head. This came from having an anxious personality to begin with, a history of loss and low self-esteem - like I didn't deserve all what I have so it was inevitable that I would lose it all. To help that, I got life insurance and baba a sibling so they would always have each other. That's pretty extreme, but it has helped. I also start counselling soon. Ha! Could it be that your own history has a part to play? They do say that having a baby brings up with unresolved personal issues. From talking to friends, the whole worrying about dying is quite normal and eventually you do stop worrying about it.

Best wishes and good luck with everything. Just remember, your first year with baba is ever changing and evolving and you will feel better, it does take time. You might not feel like you're bonding, but that too takes time. Think of all what you do - caring, protecting, these are all actions of love. And that's what you do in the beginning, that's what makes your bond grow. When they get older and start putting their arms around you, giving you a kiss, you become so smitten with them - you feel so much love for them! The early days are very much about seeing to their needs, and you sound like you're doing a great job, so hang on in there and remember you won't always feel like this.

@SidSparrow thank you so much for taking the time to write that because what you've said resonates with me so much right now with how I've been feeling.
I've put way too much pressure on myself from birth to feel a certain way, I honestly thought I'd just bounce back and be myself again. The spaced out feeling is just driving me crazy and playing havoc with my health anxiety.
I have to say I did have a mentally abusive relationship of 6 years previous to my current relationship in which he really broke down my confidence in myself and I don't think I've really gained it back properly. I was constantly walking on egg shells and anxious a lot and everything I did was wrong for him and it'd always be my fault.
Sometimes it's like I'm too scared to be happy and enjoy the moment because I'm scared it'll get ripped away!
Your totally right about the caring and protecting and seeing to his needs, I was feeling it as relentless but it does mean I do really care and love him and I am doing everything I can for him right now.

@mewbookitty how are you feeling?
Your post rang a bell with me as I've been feeling the same - so anxious about everything post natally and feel like it's stopping me from really enjoying things and it's as if I'm going through the motions and having to force myself really into doing things and being jolly. I am wondering whether I need to speak to gp - have you spoke to your gp? Xx

@Dandelion3 How many weeks postpartum are you now?
I did speak to my GP who put me onto an anti depressant called sertraline however after only taking one it caused me to have severe panic attacks (this doesn't happen to everyone) so I didn't continue with it and I have just started CBT therapy which is meant to be really good for anxiety. So I would talk to your GP and at least maybe try the therapy if your unsure about an anti depressant.
I am now nearly 11 weeks postpartum and I have to say it feels like I have turned a bit of a corner with the anxiety however I started going to some baby groups and I went to a yoga class on my own whilst my partner had the baby and it really helped just having that me time so I definitely recommend trying to have some time to yourself or doing something you like whilst baba sleeps even if it's just a facemask and a cup of tea!
I honestly feel for you because it's a horrible scary feeling but your definitely not alone as I've learnt from talking to people it seems to be very common. The problem I'm having as well is I feel so spaced out/off balance all the time and that's making me more anxious. All blood tests came back clear and I've had my eyes checked at the opticians so I'm assuming it's part of the anxiety, have you experienced anything similar?

@Mewbookitty thanks that's really helpful advice
I'm just really hoping I'll improve with time
I seem to worry about every little thing atm and it's overwhelming. We are nearly 5 weeks now. My little ones started with bad wind and we had a night of inconsolable crying and I feel worried that will keep happening and how I'll cope if we have weeks of it ahead..
I've been talking to friends / family which helps abit
I went to a little group but felt like a rabbit in head lights and not myself - hoping gets easier in time
Thanks for your message xx

I'm the same, I developed terrible anxiety after my first was born and am now suffering from bad anxiety again after my second, health anxiety as well, worse than I normally have

@LHMBF yes exactly the same, my doctor did say with health anxiety it can get a lot worse after having a baby and mine definitely has. In the past I could feel better just after some reassurance from the doctor but now nothing seems to ease my mind. Did you ever seek treatment?

I'm the same, constantly worried that me, my baby or DP are gonna get something really bad. I've been asking dr's for years for something to help but they never take me seriously

I’m feeling the exact same. Just don’t seem myself anymore. I go through the motions of the day but am I really happy. I am doing talking therapies and I do speak to people around me but that only seems to help at the time. I’m so up and down and I hate it. I have been prescribed tablets but have never been one for them. Everyone keeps telling me it will get better but I am wondering when that will be or should I just take the tablets.

Hang on in there. Sorry I can’t give advice but your not alone!

@Dee123456 how many weeks postpartum are you? It's totally up to you about taking the tablets whether you and your go thinks you should take them. I'm the exact same and honestly as the weeks have gone on and I look back I've realised it has gotten better compared to how I've felt previously but yeah it does feel like your going through the motions. From what people have told me including my own mum who suffered with PND is that the 6 month mark seems to be were your hormones start to balance out again and interacting with baba becomes more rewarding but it's totally normal to feel like you've lost your Identity. Just keep reminding yourself to be patient with yourself as well (that's what I've been trying to do) it's a massive change to your life and a trauma to your body!

I’m 21 weeks post birth. I had a rough 8 weeks and then I started to feel better but the last couple of weeks I have went right back to how I felt and it feels worse. Each day I tell myself to be strong but I am starting to lose patience and my thoughts are going everywhere. My Gp has been awful so although he has prescribed them he didn’t listen to me at all. Basically said he didn’t know why I was there if I didn’t want to take tablets. I just want to feel normal. I get it will be a new normal but the emotional rollercoaster is becoming a bit much.

Thanks for responding. Did ur mum take tablets?

How are you getting on now? How old is your little one?