When will it get easier? Birth Trauma

[sherbetmelon]

Hi, I had a very traumatic birth with DD in 2018. I had a wonderful and calm pregnancy that came to a horrific end with a complicated, assisted birth where many decisions were made for me that perhaps shouldn't have.

I have had depression in the past however in the last 6 months it has gotten so much worse, I think it's more than PND. I am on antidepressants and have had a lot of counselling in the last year. I was diagnosed with PTSD soon after but I'm just getting so down about it all the time. It's 2020 now and I am still having nightmares about it, reliving different moments, I'll randomly have a vivid memory and burst into tears, it's like it's always on my mind no matter what. My DD is wonderful and I feel so incredibly lucky to have her but I feel like I'm failing her because her birth is such a dark cloud over my head.

Please someone tell me it gets easier?
She's getting to the age now where people are asking if I'm going to start thinking about another and every time it's a knife to the heart because I don't feel ready to even talk about what happened openly let alone think about doing it again!

Sending you a hug. It will get easier. Please know you are not failing her.

I know you’ve had counselling, I hope that has helped? Did you know you can speak with the Supervisor of Midwives and go through your notes from the birth? This might help you to understand what happened and why. Also have you looked at Birth Trauma Association website - some helpful resources there.

I’m sure more of us will be along soon and maybe in the morning to share stories.

In the meantime I’m sending you my love and support.

Also sending a hug. I had a very traumatic birth in 2012 followed by ptsd and severe pnd (i wasn't hospitalized but had my intensive home support, CPN and psychiatrist).

I was terrified i would never feel like myself again but have recovered, it's happened by degrees but mostly over about 2 yrs. I have gone on to have 2 more children by vaginal delivery without complications. In pregnancy with dc3 i had a mild recurrence of symptoms but nowhere near as bad and settled with ad's.

I was afraid dc1 would be horribly affected as i didnt really bond with him or feel i loved him for about 4 months. It was like i logically knew i must love him but couldnt feel any emotion. It upsets me to even write that now and he is a great kid, very loved, with literally no memory of that period of his life.

If you are feeling worse it might be that you need to see your doctor and change your medication or tweak the dose for a while? Have you thought of paying privately to see a therapist? I had a type of regression therapy for trauma that helped but i had to wait a long time on the nhs.

Something that helped me - and i had to force myself to do this - was to talk more openly irl about what had happened and how i was feeling. So many women go through this and yet it is so taboo. For a long time i felt like i had failed at giving birth, being a mum but when i spoke about it there were so many people that had experienced similar things and i felt less alone. I had horrible intrusive thoughts and i found voicing them to someone i trusted helped me rationalise them and break the cycle a bit.

Anyway, I'm sorry if this is to much about me! TLDR: I was really unwell following birth trauma and fully recovered. You are in no way letting your daughter down, you are being the best mum you can be. Much love.

Thank you for your kind replies. The counselling was ok and I felt like it helped at the time but we didn't address the issues of what happened, more how it left me feeling. I think I need to revisit it and see someone with more of a specialism in PTSD and birth trauma. That was private as I had no chance of getting it on the NHS without waiting 6+ months.

So I do know about the debrief, the midwives told me about it straight after the birth pretty much and I have put it off. I think I am working so hard at trying to be myself again and I just think bringing it all back up again would be reopening the wound and I don't think I'd cope very well mentally. When the time is right I will go.

Sorry you had a traumatic birth too @atla I am so impressed you managed to go on to have two more. You are incredibly brave and I hope the subsequent births were healing for you. One of my coping mechanisms is by saying I'm not having any more children. I hope the time comes when I am able to change my mind but for now I'm working on making peace with only having my 1. She is amazing so if she is my only child I am still a lucky mum.

I have been meaning to book a GP appt to up my dosage again for a couple of months but I suffer bad anxiety on top of everything else (not an excuse when it's for my health, I know) and the doctors waiting room is a trigger so I just avoid it unless it's for DD. I will make it my goal for January to pick up the phone.

I don't speak a lot about the nitty gritty of it IRL and those who know roughly what happened don't know that I suffer bad insomnia because I've got into an awful habit of laying in bed and just playing scenes of it over and over or that the memories will stop me in my tracks and leave me feeling broken.
I think most people think it was bad but it's in the past whereas for me it is very much a part of my day to day life and it's exhausting.

That's why I posted here just to hear from those that have gone through it and have come out the other side (if it's possible). I appreciate the kind words.