9 days post partum - post natal depression / newborn resentment

[TeaAndCake30]

Hi everyone.

I had my first baby, a boy, on Christmas Day. He was ten days overdue, and after planning a water birth with just gas and air, I ended up in labour for 22 hours and having an epidural, failed induction and then EMCS.

My baby is now 9 days old. I am struggling unbearably.

I am grieving painfully for my life before. I resent this gorgeous little boy and worry mine and my husband's marriage will never be the same again and we will never have time alone. We used to spend days off going places in the car and now I feel trapped at home. We have been together for 14 years and have such a strong and lovely relationship that I am scared of it changing.

I am severely sleep deprived, surviving on a couple of hours broken sleep each day. Baby is breastfed and cluster feeding. I tried expressing so my husband could feed with a bottle but he still wants the breast afterwards. I tense up when he cries because I know he wants feeding. I hate that I feel like a milk machine and I leak milk and feel horrid.

I feel like I have a black cloud over me and have no appetite at all. I have talked to my husband and he assures me things will get better and our relationship is so strong we will get our time back in the future and can utilise family for babysitting etc. I can't stop dwelling on the past. I miss it just being me, my husband and our cat. I even think I prefer my cat to the newborn.

I am also struggling with the bodily changes. I know it hasn't been long at all and obviously wasn't expecting to "bounce back" straight away but I hate my c section scar, my puffy tummy and stretch marks. I don't have time to make myself look nice anymore so hair is always shoved up in a ponytail and I just wear what's nearby. My husband tells me I'm beautiful but I feel horrid.

I rang maternity triage yesterday and the midwife was really lovely and said at the moment she thinks it is baby blues, to keep an eye on it and have a cup of tea, sleep etc. I have a community midwife visit today which I think will be the last before handing over to health visitor.

Please can someone reassure me that things will get better. I am really struggling to cope.

Thank you.

Congratulations on your beautiful baby boy
It sounds like you’ve had a really rough time with pregnancy and birth, especially with it being over Christmas.
It’s difficult to think clearly when your life and body changes so much and you are sleep deprived beyond belief.
There will be a poster along shortly who can give you some advice.
Hugs xx

Please try to stay positive. Those first few weeks are utterly exhausting. You have a new life, a little person who relies on you 24/7 and a new body to deal with. I had a c section and my twins are now 9 months. Although my body is nowhere near perfect, it takes time to start loving it again. Gentle walks once you're moving about more easily will help both with clearing your mind and getting some exercise.

I struggled massively in the first few weeks, and it's never been "easy" since, but you learn more about your baby every day and how to make things easier. Please carry on talking to your husband, friends, your gp if it continues. You are not alone - motherhood is tough!!!

Try baby groups, or Mush (the app) to meet local mums if you don't have friends nearby. Be kind to yourself - it does get easier!

Things definitely get better. I felt a lot like what you describe in the early days. You don't always hear about this because it's not easy to talk about. It will definitely get better though. Your body will also begin to snap back. You are actually doing a brilliant job just now. Trust your husband and rely on him as much as possible.

Thanks all. It just feels very all consuming right now and I am crying numerous times a day. Even realising I can't sit down and have a glass of wine with my husband in the evening has really upset me, and knowing he'll be returning to work the week after next and I'll feel even more lost. I know one day it will change.

Hi Tea. I'm sorry you are feeling so sad. Of course it is very all consuming. It's very early days - not even 2 weeks since you gave birth. Keep talking to your midwife and health visitor so that if things don't get better as fast as one would hope you can get a speedy referral.

You can have wine and breastfeed! The amount of wine from one glass is like a drop of alcohol in a bucket. If that will make you feel more normal, have one. You’d need to be blotto before it had any affect on baby. The drugs and breastfeeding network have a good factsheet on this.

Can you get an emergency appointment with your gp? I found they were more useful than the health visitor and I stated fluoxetine when dd was a few weeks old. Breastfed until she was 2.5, and no issues at all once my depression was under control.

I was in the exact same same position as you and trust me, it gets better! You're doing amazing, take things slow and things do start to fall back into place. Obviously things will be different but you will be used to them. It does get better, I didn't start to feel better until around 3 weeks, also after a c-section the pain of recovery and lack of ability to do things as quickly and easily as you used to makes things hard too.

Please talk to your doctor or midwife if you feel you can't cope x

It definitely gets better. Those first few weeks are just shit and nothing prepares you for how shit they are. But then, all of a sudden, you have 10 minutes when it's not shit and then the next day it's 20 mins etc etc. I found getting out the house invaluable - DH and so went out for lunch most days after the first few weeks (I had an ELCS so didn't go far!). A glass of wine and a rare steak made everything seem so much better. You will get through this, I promise.

I felt very similar-you just don’t appreciate your freedom until you have to take a baby with you everywhere!! I found it got easier at six weeks when baby smiled occasionally. And then at 12 weeks when feeding got easier. And felt vaguely human again at six months. It gets a lot easier when they can communicate and go to school as well!! Small steps. I viewed a trip to the food shop on my own as a luxury...

Oh and you absolutely can have a (big) glass of wine while feeding!

I can so relate to this. I remember crying after DD was born and just thinking "I absolutely hate my life and there's no escape".

My baby is a year old now and I can tell you IT GETS BETTER. It really does. One year in, we (me and DH) go out for dinner together on our own. We sleep through the night, every night. I have time to myself on a regular basis. My body is getting back to how it was before now that I have time to exercise and my appetite is diminishing. It will get better, I promise.

Things you can do to feel better in the short term:

• sleep. Easier said than done, I know, but even 15 minutes here and there helps. My DH would get up at 5am so that I knew I could sleep from 5-7am guaranteed every night. Having that locked in helped me get through the nights.
• have a bath every evening with a G&T if you can
• when you're feeling up to it, try going for a swim occasionally in the evening. This lifted my mood hugely.
• book a trip away for a few weeks time. DD was about 4 months old I think when we first went away, just for two nights to an AirBnB in the countryside, and it was amazing and gave me something to look forward to.

It will get better, it will, I promise. You'll get your old life back to a very large extent. You are in the very hardest bit at the moment but give it a few weeks and go easy on yourself in the meantime.

Take any help you can get... MIL /mother, ask for it! You don’t have to do it all. My mum came to stay and used to pack me off to sleep for 3-4 hours, best thing ever. Everything hurts now but your body will recover. It took 9 months to grow your baby so don’t feel pressure to bounce back. It’s just done an amazing job. Your first born and you are on a journey and he’s teaching you how to become a parent. Hang in there, it will get easier.

Whether this is depression I’d not, here to echo the positive who say... it gets better. You’re at the really shitty stage. Any novelty adrenaline high has worn off, things hurt and wobble and bleed and leak (my breasts did all four), and you have no idea how this screaming all consuming thing will be able to have a positive effect on your life.

He will, I promise. Baby days suck. The fun will come and it will be great. Demanding, yes, but the rewards come. And one day not so far away you’ll feel a little bit like you again.

I felt similar and remember begging for antidepressants at the six week check because I felt so terrible and needed SOMETHING to get me out of the hell I was in.

I was prescribed a low dose of Citalopram and it did help. I also leaned heavily on my mum and went to stay with my parents (poor DH at home on his own) because I couldn’t handle being home alone with the baby Mon-Fri.

The antidepressants did help a lot. And I made the mistake of coming off them after four months because I felt better. I should have taken them for longer.

My first child is 8 now and those dark days are a distant memory. It does get better.

As someone who felt the same as you but was told it was baby blues but it was actually AND and then PND I would say see how you go but it might not get better, without help.

If it doesn't feel like its getting better, ask for help, don't just accept its baby blues, see why your options are whether anti-depressants or counselling etc.

These early days are brutal. Your hormones make you feel unrecognisable to yourself but they do calm down and babies so start to settle. Talk to your husband, explain how you feel, try and get 10mins to yourself each day without fail, even if it's a shower or a cuppa in a different room.

You can also talk to the hospital about your birth to understand it more and help you make peace with it. Ask your midwife or health visitor about it.

Most of all, be kind to yourself. Sending hugs xxx

The first few weeks are pretty horrendous but it definitely gets better. I remember that dread of my son waking and being on pins all the time thinking of the next feed.

The phrase got me through those weeks was from Mumsnet and was "formula is not bleach". There is nothing wrong with leaving your husband with some formula to go and have a bath or a sleep if needed. Breastfeeding is amazing for babies, but a happy and empowered mum is better.

Over the next few weeks gradually, you'll be able to put him down on a playmat or a baby chair and have some personal space. You'll be able to put him in the pram or in a carrier and head out for bracing winter walks while your baby snoozes. He'll start to become more predictable so that you can get into a routine of showering, napping, getting dressed etc. You can start to feel more human and enjoy him.

You are not alone! I'm another one who felt like I had irreversibly ruined my life in those early weeks. As others have said - if it's baby blues, it gets better quickly, and if it's PND, you can get help. When I was in your position I had a great HV who helped me talk things through and keep things in perspective. There is a test they can give you to assess if you have PND and my HV said she never does it until after week 3 as there is "no point" (I.e. everyone would be flagged as having PND)

Give it a couple of weeks, take help where you can, do whatever you can to treat yourself (cake, wine, bath, fresh sheets, new pillow whatever!).

I couldn’t relate more OP. I had a very traumatic birth and honestly the first six weeks of my son’s life were the worst of mine. The pain, the cluster feeding, the anxiety, the complete loss of self, the way he cried whenever he wasn’t sleeping or eating... it was horrendous. I found myself almost hating him. It was a very, very dark time.

The good news is that it gets a lot better and fairly quickly. For us it got marginally better at four weeks, then a lot better at 6 weeks, then better still at 8 weeks, better still around 10 weeks, and LOADS better at 12 weeks.

He’s now 5 months old and although it’s still bloody hard work I’d happily fight a grizzly bear for the adorable little mite - he’s a joy. Also, I put him to bed at 6.30 and I’ve just had a lovely meal and couple of glasses of wine with my DH.

Take all the help you can get. Book a trip away around 12 weeks, to give you something to look forward to. My DH took the baby for 3-4 hours every night so that I could get some sleep in. Could you do that? If you want to carry on BFing (but don’t pressurise yourself to do so) then try to enjoy it as best you can - watch lots of box sets. I watched all 5 seasons of Poldark, 8 series of Bake Off, 2 seasons of Fleabag, 2 seasons of The Letdown, one series of 13 Reasons Why, and 4 series of the Thick of It plus many more than I’ve forgotten while BFing in the first 7 weeks. Do try to get out. I know that’s easier said than done but a walk around the park will make you feel so much better.

All the best OP. I don’t think people are honest enough about how awful the first 6 weeks are. It WILL improve and quickly.

I know how you feel going in expecting abnormal labour & delivery only to end up with emcs, that happened to me. I was in shock for months after, couldn't bond with my new baby, hated him for what he had done to my body. I had severe PND, all I wanted to do was go to sleep & never wake up again, I hated my husband as well. It took the midwife calling one day & noticing that I just wasn't right, my mum had asked her when she let her in if she thought I could have PND, she left me on my own with the midwife who carefully asked me how I was feeling & if I felt overwhelmed by everything that had happened, eventually I broke down & told her I wanted to go to sleep & never wake up again. She got me an emergency appointment at my doctors for the same day & even came back to take me to the appointment. My lovely doctor just sat & listened, didn't judge, he explained that I had been through a very bad time, I had been admitted with pre eclampsia, induced & ended up in high dependency after an emcs with a massive pph in theatre, I started with HELLP syndrome, my organs began to shut down not long after my parents & husband had gone home, I had been terrified that I was going to die & begged the staff to get my parents & husband back to the hospital, the staff refused & I spent the worst night of my life, a night I should have been so happy scared stiff I wouldn't see the next morning. The doctor put me straight on to antidepressants, I was bottle feeding so he was able to start me on quite a high dose, he told me that both he & the midwife would visit me at home every day until I was feeling more like I could cope & I could ring any time that I felt like I was struggling. My mum stayed with me all day every day, she helped me to gain confidence looking after my son, I hadn't even been shown how to bath him as I has been so poorly. My mum showed me how to do everything, she sat & listened when I needed to talk about what had happened in hospital, she cooked me meals, made me have naps during the day, was there when I had the flashbacks & panic attacks, she even sat with me to have a bath, I was very weak from the shock & blood loss, she washed & dried my hair for me & after 10 days she persuaded me to get ds ready & took me out for my first walk with him in the pram. My midwife & doctor visited me every day for two weeks, then the midwife dropped it down to every other day & I had an appointment at the doctors twice a week. My midwife didn't sign me off until my son was 8 weeks old & I continued to see my doctor every week until he was 3 months old. Without them & my mum I don't think I would have survived, I was diagnosed with ptsd & even now 16 years later still have flashbacks around my son's birthday. I am still on antidepressants now, I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia 6 months after my son was born & my rheumatologist says that it was my son's birth that triggered my first attack. My advice to you is please talk to someone,your midwife, doctor, your mum, don't suffer in silence, tell someone how you are feeling & don't be afraid to ask for help. If you are finding you are struggling with breast feeding, don't be afraid to swap to formula, you have done well to manage this long, your baby needs a mum who is happy, if changing the way you feed helps you feel better, don't feel guilty. Babies don't come with instructions, do what is best for both of you, accept any help offered, a couple of hours sleep or a cooked meal, someone else doing you a load of washing & ironing or running the hoover around. Don't try to be superwoman, you aren't alone & don't suffer in silence.

OP I am in the exact same boat with me 3 week DD. I adore her but constantly wish I could go back to my old life when I could sleep. So glad you posted this, you are not alone.

@monkeynuts18 in what way did things start to improve at the weeks you mentioned? Just looking for things to look forward to!

OP I also had my baby on Christmas day via EMCS after is wanted a water birth with minimum intervention.

I totally understand how you feel. I too have been wondering whether my husband and my relationship will ever be the same again as all we seem to do is boss each other about over who is doing what job and who got less sleep the night before. I didn't realise just how little sleep I would get - my DS doesn't sleep in his cot and cluster feeds all night. I'm so exhausted I don't know how I will cope! I have been in tears everyday as well.

I think feeling like this is sort of normal, it's a massive change to our lives and something we need to get used to. I'm hoping it will all improve and we're just in the toughest bit right now.

Anyway I'm here if you want to talk!

Dear Op I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time right now. Having struggled immensely with my MH post partum I really resonate with your post. It took me 6 months to finally ask for help but I wish I had been as honest and self aware as you at 9 days.
Please be kind to yourself you have been through so much. You are in the trenches right now, the sleep deprivation is excruciating and can do awful things to your mind. You may have PND or you may not but it sounds like you need to ask for as much help as you can and be very mindful. Although people love to coo over babies and say "it doesnt get any easier" thats b%llocks. Babies do get easier with time. They sleep more. They feed less. You get more of a rhythm. This bit is survival mode. I remember feeling totally separate from my partner after such a wonderful time as a couple. Sometimes I hated him because his life had barely changed compared to mine but when the dust settled we spent time reconnecting and the fact that he had supported me through the darkest time in my life brought us closer. I had loved him before but afterwards I knew he had my back completely. We were stronger. You might not be able to sit down together yet but it will come and those times will be even more special.
I am trying to say that you are not alone in how you feel. Many have been there even if its not the topic de jour at baby groups. It's ok to feel bad after what you've been through. Keep talking to those around you and well done for your self awareness in asking for help. My baby is 6 now. He is my world. At the time it was endless but everything changes. I used to cry when it was time to feed him. Now I see it wasnt that I didn't love him I just loved him so much the weight and overwhelm of it all crushed me. Get all the suport you need to get through this. All good wishes.

Thank you so much everyone for taking the time to reply and offer your advice and experience. Some of your comments have kept me from spiralling and brought me to tears.

Today has been really tough - woke up fantasising about someone knocking on the door saying I'd been given the baby by mistake and they were here to take him away, and then feeling like a crap mum for having such horrid thoughts. Had my mum round briefly and tried to talk to her about how I feel, cried my eyes out, but she seemed a bit dismissive and asked what did I expect, and why did I have him if I was so content, etc :( She did also, however, advocate me moving to formula. He's been a nightmare to feed today, he will only feed from my left side meaning I have a hard and leaky right boob, he wants to feed every ten minutes and refuses bottles of expressed milk. I tried to get my head down upstairs earlier but he wanted feeding not long after so it was very short lived. Am exhausted.

Well your mum is a big help isn't she

Go for it with the formula! You can do combination feeding until you've both got the hang of breastfeeding. That will mean you can get some sleep too hopefully. I definitely couldn't have coped with EBF at the very beginning.

Have you tried a couple of different teats to see if another bottle works better? We found the Medela Calma worked for us but there's loads on Amazon, perhaps you could get a couple to try.

You are doing brilliantly. It is such early days. Just take it a day at a time. It'll get easier week by week. (I know I keep saying that but it will!!)

How are you getting on @TeaAndCake30 ?