Maternity leave...one of those days

[SundayGirlB]

Just feeling so down and weepy today and so guilty about it.

Went on a group mum date after a class and hated it, my social anxiety is at top level since being on mat leave. Felt like I was 13 at school again trying to make friends - they are all more interesting and together than me.

My son won't nap for more than 40mins and the last few days I've not been able to settle him to get a longer nap in. I spend ages bouncing him to get him to drift back off but it's no use. I get so frustrated as I never get a break - he wakes minimum 3 times in the night and naps of 40mins means I get take done but don't ever really get a break.

Feel like he deserves a better mum than one than me. He is such a lovely, calm smiley baby. When he wakes up he just smiles and coos at me and I just want him to go back to sleep as I need to recharge and get worried he might get ill or something if he doesn't nap. How horrible am I?

Feeling pretty miserable.

Tasks done not take.

Oh I could’ve written this! Hang on in there, it can be really shit. Do you have anyone who can take him for a few hours so you can get a break? A good nights sleep or nap, or even just an hours break with a book or a bath would do you wonders. It’s so tough, and so much pressure and so tiring but you are doing so well and baby sounds happy even if it’s hard to see that through the haze! You had a bad day today but you will have a good one soon. Ask for help where you can and if possible leave baby with your partner for a night (S/he can bring baby to you for a boob if needed and then take away again) nobody tells you how bloody hard it is! Welcome to the club x

Also also, babies get ill and there’s nothing to be done as that’s how their immune systems develop so don’t add extra stress worrying! And you’re not horrible at all, as evidenced by how much you care about your baby.

Best advice I got was:

You can’t pour from an empty cup;

And

Don’t stand if you could be sitting and don’t sit if you could be laying down.

On the hard days recognise it’s a hard day and give yourself a break! I guarantee you’re doing better than you think you are.

My eldest was like this. He never napped. I used to be so anxious about his sleep, was I doing something wrong etc. Then I had his brother and with a toddler and a new born there is no time to rest, so it's just a case of being permanently exhausted.

You need someone else to take him for a while so you can get a break, whether that is his dad, your family or a friend. You also need to accept things like house work etc will slide and just do what you can when you can. I got used to just doing things with my DC around me.

It's hard OP but it won't be this hard forever.

How old is DS? I think you're overthinking this and unfairly judging yourself against others.

Trust me, as soon as you mention an issue at a baby group you have a dozen other mums with the same problem or some advice because they will have been through the same thing. Just the other day a third time mum I've always admired was asking me advice about her newborn and she always seems to have it together. Just goes to show you never know what's going on in other people's lives.

Are you getting any support? Is there anyone who can hold the baby while you nap?

I know right now you can’t see it, but you are doing a fantastic job and are a great mum. It’s so so hard with a new baby and no matter how many time’s you are warned about this, nothing prepares you for the lack of sleep and emotions that come along with the journey. Things will get so much better for you but it’s going to take time and you need to be kind to yourself In the meantime. I second getting a bit of help if any is available just to have the bit of a break, even if it’s just a bath in peace! ❤️

Thanks for all your replies ❤. My husband is very supportive but leaves for work at 7 and back 7-8 Mon to Fri. He is a great help at the weekend, just misses the daily grind and doesn't have the sort of responsibility for my son's welfare that weighs on me.

My baby is 6 months and I had hope sleep would improve but it hasn't really. I think I need to let my mum and my dad help more. I feel like I should be able to do it on my own own so I'm a bit reticent sometimes but no point being a martyr. Will also ask husband to bring the baby to the boob and sleep in spare room I think. It's the long winded settling process at night that I find so wearing.

Will keep at baby classes, bit of an introvert so feel vulnerable at these things.

I completely understand your post. I do all the night feeds and again my partner leaves for work around 7am and is back just before she goes to bed at night. I find myself going straight to sleep because I'm drained. Hes very supportive and always offered to do the night feeds. But maybe I'm a control freak and feel she wants me. Because I've always done them that it will unsettle her if he starts now (DD is 5 months) she seems to only settle to sleep for me and daddy is the fun one to keep her entertained. I really need to give him a chance. Other new mums around me seem to be thriving. They dont admit to the low times and when I do I feel they dont understand. Their babies are already sleeping through the night. Their babies are belly laughing and rolling over and it makes me feel like I am failing. My DD also doesnt nap but her naps are 25 minutes!! If I'm holding her lol.So I know exactly where you are coming from and you arent alone. It can only get better. I think we've done the hardest new born stage of waking every hour at night!!. Just feel proud when every day you see her developed that bit more and you are responsible for that! You are responsible for those lovely smiles and the happiness. We will get there

Also with the night feeds is your baby drinking a lot? My DD was waking loads but only for an ounce. So at the moment I'm trying different things and managed to reduce some of those feeds by giving her a dummy instead. Leaving her in her crib but just soothing her with little sh. At the moment shes having 1 night feed maybe 2 But still only taking a oz and half maybe so might start the dummy with them. If she was really hungry I wouldnt mind. But that did take a few days with the dummy for her to reduce the feeds

My DD1 was like this - didn’t nap (or not for more than 40 mins if i did trick her into it) and woke 5+ times during the night for a bottle. When she was 13 months old i cracked and did some sleep training - going into her and cuddling/reasuring every few minutes when she cried but not giving her bottles. The first night took 1hr 45 (and felt like forever), the second night 40 mins, the third night 20 mins, and she slept through ever since.

She still at 4.5 needs far less sleep than the official advice says - shes often up at 5.30-6 and plays quietly in her room until i get up at 7, and often looks at books for a while after i put her to bed at 7.30, but she turned from a discontented baby into a fab, settled and interesting toddler and now school child, and life got SO much better. Hang in there!

Thanks all for the kind words and support! Had a good weekend - my husband slept in with him and only needed to wake me once or twice for a feed and managed to sooth him for the other wake ups. He only woke up twice last night so feeling much better today. Amazing what sleep does.

Naps still crap but just trying to tell myself I can only do what I can and I'm trying everything so that will have to be enough.

He's been dishing out the smiles today so all worth it but they're right when then say it's the hardest job!