Struggling with PND..

[Jessb14]

I was diagnosed with PND after having my son in 2017. Pregnancy wasn’t the best (sickness up to 16 weeks, nearly losing him at 20 weeks, needing a cervical stitch at 21 weeks & then him arriving 5 weeks early) oh + the 10 days staying in hospital after he was born.

At first it started with feeling anxious & not sleeping due to constant worrying something would happen to him in the night. Then started the thoughts of him being hurt, while out in the car, out walking, in the bath, all sorts! Some of him being hurt in accidents etc or even me hurting him. They really scared me & I was so gutted to be having theses thoughts!

After attending the doctors they gave me Sertraline (100mg) which seemed to work for a while - he’s now two years old & everything seems so so much worse!

I have no friends to talk to, see, ask advice. I’m pretty isolated indoors (partner takes car to work so no means of getting about)
I spend everyday indoors with my son who I feel so so sorry for , he would love nothing more than to be out and about with children his age but 1 , I can’t afford a nursery , 2 , I’m worried he will have one of his melt downs and I won’t be able to cope and 3 , I just can’t be bothered with getting dressed and facing the world.

• my parter works 15+ hours a day so we hardly see one another.

My son has hit the stage of terrible twos but it’s making my PND so much worse than it’s ever been.

He has melt downs all the time, never listens, constantly doing something he shouldn’t (and he knows he shouldn’t) being naughty. He also hits me, kicks me, spits at me etc!

I have spent the last couple of days in tears. I try to put him down for a nap in the day and it’s such a mission , he will scream the house down! I’m pretty sure my neighbours must think I’m hurting him! I’m forever shouting at him!

The thing is come night time when he’s in bed (after 100 attempts of getting him in there) I calm down and feel so guilty, that I shout at him, that I cry, that I have horrible thoughts of putting him up for adoption or taking him to a family member and leaving him there and running away. I cry with guilt then!

I love my son more than life itself and would do everything and anything for him, he means everything to me....so why do I have to deal with this?! Why can’t I enjoy him instead of hating each day?! I just want to have such a normal life!

He is everything I ever wanted but lately I just miss being at work, having friends, going out etc.

I just feel I can not cope anymore.

Oh my.... You've really had a tough 3 years. Loneliness is mentally crippling. The horrible thoughts are instrusive but it's because of the PND illness.
Please speak to someone, your Health Visitor, your Doctor. In fact just print out what you have wrote here and hand it them to read and the them to help you.

Have you looked on FB on your local town pages for local groups e.g. Story time at the local library,? Mums and toddler groups, the local park?

Also Google for organisations that can help, there's one and the name escapes me that might make you feel less alone.

Sending huge hugs. You are not the only person who has felt like this

And talk to us on here... There's some lovely supportive people who will hold your hand and help

Thank you for your kind words.

Unfortunately I haven't seen a health visitor since my son's two year review - this is where they filled my head with ideas he could be dealing with ADHD or even Autism, as you can imagine this sent my mind into over drive.

I saw my GP yesterday who has been with me through this journey, I explained how I'm feeling etc so I'm now going on to 200mg of Sertraline.

I am racked with guilt, I never imagined this was how my life would be with my son. I imagined us being out everyday, meeting other mums and children, enjoying his childhood but it seems so far from that...

Please do not feel guilty - it is such a pernicious emotion - I speak as someone who has had to place her disabled OH in a nursing home as I could not longer manage him. I was unable to pick up the pieces and get on with my life till I recognised that the guilt was inappropriate and had to be ditched.

So - do not feel guilty - you have no reason to and it just makes things worse for you.

PND is a horrid illness - you are not responsible for that - you are the victim. It is not your fault any more than if you broke a leg or had diabetes.

We all parent as best we may. My DC have left home now, but all the things I feel guilty about at times - where I felt I went wrong as a parent - have been completely forgotten by them!!

Do you have a CPN to walk beside you in this journey back to health? You could ask for one.

Please do not forget the Samaritans - they are not just there for people who are wanting to end their lives. I rang them recently - never dreamt that I would ever need to - as the guilt was leaving me in a weeping heap. The man I spoke to was kindness itself and helped me to turn a corner. He said I could ring any time just to chat about things and I would be welcomed and helped.

I am sorry you are having to deal with this grim illness on top of managing a 2 year old - you are to be congratulated for soldiering on. Please know that most parents find 2 year olds a challenge and there will be better times to come.

HI OP, I think you will hopefully feel better on the higher dose of your medication. Could you get to see a counsellor? I would urge you to try to find a local mother and toddler group - are there any run by your local council or health visitors?
What did you do before you had your child? Were you employed? Did you have hobbies? Do any of those people live near you?

Could you take your child out for a walk to-day? Perhaps get him dressed in warm clothes and run around a field together?

Do you have any family near you? Could they come and stay and give you some help?

I suffered from PND with both my babies, my eldest is 3. It was so bad I even did a vlog about it. I know how hard it is, hang in there. Hugs x