I feel trapped in a miserable existence. I feel awful saying this but choosing to become a parent is the worst decision I have ever made and I cant see how to make things better, or even bearable.
I was sick through the entire pregnancy, the birth was traumatic. Then I had psychosis, then PND. Here I am somehow 10 months later, despite feeling suicidal on and off since the birth.
My baby wakes anywhere between every 30 mins and 2 hours and will only settle when breast fed. I get no more than 4 broken hours a night, at a push. We have no family nearby and no friends who can help.
I've had mental health support since the postnatal episode but it's not going anywhere - I don't have the energy to engage. I don't know what my hobbies were, I don't remember anything from my education, I feel so stupid and useless. Because of the breast feeding/sleep issues ive never been away from the baby for more than a few hours. A night away would feel like winning the lottery. I think and say horrible things, I'm surprised my partner hasn't left me. I half wish he would, and take the baby with him so I can finally have some peace.
I don't know what I want from writing this. I just need to vent. Perhaps solidarity from those who've been there and survived.