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I can't do this any more

11 replies

Emmylou2018 · 06/10/2019 13:00

I feel trapped in a miserable existence. I feel awful saying this but choosing to become a parent is the worst decision I have ever made and I cant see how to make things better, or even bearable.
I was sick through the entire pregnancy, the birth was traumatic. Then I had psychosis, then PND. Here I am somehow 10 months later, despite feeling suicidal on and off since the birth.
My baby wakes anywhere between every 30 mins and 2 hours and will only settle when breast fed. I get no more than 4 broken hours a night, at a push. We have no family nearby and no friends who can help.
I've had mental health support since the postnatal episode but it's not going anywhere - I don't have the energy to engage. I don't know what my hobbies were, I don't remember anything from my education, I feel so stupid and useless. Because of the breast feeding/sleep issues ive never been away from the baby for more than a few hours. A night away would feel like winning the lottery. I think and say horrible things, I'm surprised my partner hasn't left me. I half wish he would, and take the baby with him so I can finally have some peace.
I don't know what I want from writing this. I just need to vent. Perhaps solidarity from those who've been there and survived.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
CmdrCressidaDuck · 06/10/2019 13:04

You need a night away from the baby. You really do. I sympathise - I EBF and did all night wakings, and my first was a crappy sleeper - I know the feeling that only you can do it and you must do it. But a 10mo can cope with one night without you and without milk. You must put your needs first.

Book into a cheap hotel and go. Your partner can manage one night, I don't want to hear any bullshit about how he works and his sleep is so precious. It's time for him to step up. Once you've had a little space and sleep you can think about how to move forward so you get more sleep in future.

This will get better. Hold on. But you also need to value your need for sleep. Your baby is not tiny any more and it's OK to balance your need against theirs.

peachgreen · 06/10/2019 13:15
  • Start mixed or bottle feeding so you can share the night wakings
  • Sleep train - lots of methods out there, find one you're comfortable with and stick with it
  • Contact your HV and ask for a referral to Home-Start - with no family support around you really need someone to take your baby for a few hours to give you a break once a week and Home-Start have experienced volunteers who will do that
  • Talk to your GP about medication - I felt like you and going on to fluoxetine saved my life
  • Consider going back to work early if you're planning on returning

Right now your mental health needs to be your priority. The practical tips above will help you get the sleep and space you desperately need. Sleep deprivation is torture, it sends you mad, and on top of that it sounds like you're struggling with PND. My DD was 6 months when things started turning around - you've survived to 10 months which shows how strong you are, but you deserve more than this. You can and will feel better, I promise.

Twolittlebears · 06/10/2019 13:53

You are so strong to have made it this far. You absolutely need and deserve a break from your baby. Your baby needs you to have this break too. Your baby will not be harmed by being away from you for a day. Book into a hotel or stay with a friend. Your partner can cope. Yes, baby will be upset but it will pass - and he/she will have a happier Mummy when you come back after a full night sleep. Then your partner needs to start sleep training. Loads of people do it and swear by it. Your mental health needs to come first and sleep will help with that. Big Thanks for you

RicStar · 06/10/2019 14:11

OP you are doing an amazing thing getting by day by day. I would consider night weaning - I did with all my three at this age - by letting dh deal with them in the night. If your dp can take some holiday or parental leave then I would seriously consider that - have a week focus on you getting sleep and dp dealing with the baby. Do you have work to go back to? If so I would also consider doing that sooner rather than later. It is hard but also a break / reminder of who you are.

Drum2018 · 06/10/2019 14:13

I'd advise weaning baby off the breast and bottle feeding. That way your partner can look after baby while you get some well deserved breaks, be it in evening when partner is home from work, or weekends. You have done well to breast feed til now. No doubt baby is eating solids too and drinking water so he should not be breastfeeding so much and should be well able to go through the night without feeding. It's probably a habit now and baby is used to you feeding on demand. It may take a few days for baby to get used to settling without the boob, but your sanity and health have to take priority now. Your partner will need to be on board and start putting baby to bed, getting up at night and offering water at first - baby will soon realise it's not worth crying if all they get is water! If your and partner need guidance and you can afford it, a sleep consultant may well be worth the money.

AtrociousCircumstance · 06/10/2019 14:18

Just sending some love. This WILL pass. Try to work towards bottle feeding so you can focus on a night of sleep as soon as it’s possible (and it will be possible, one way or another).

You’re a superstar to get through everything you’ve struggled with. You will come through this and have important insights to hand on to the future women who go through the same or similar.

Mothering a baby is so so hard even without all the things you’ve had to deal with. You’re so strong (although maybe it doesn’t feel like it right now).

Hold your nerve and take it day by day. Any quiet moment or quick nap while the baby is napping is a win. Chalk up all the tiny wins. They count. Be very kind to yourself.

It will get better I promise. I had PND and a traumatic birth so I understand some of what you’re going through (by no means all). Sleeplessness bends the brain and brings us to our knees but we can get through it and it will get better.

Strength and Flowers and Brew to you - hold on, the toughest bits are over, take it day by day.

Annasgirl · 06/10/2019 14:25

Hi Emmylou, you are doing so well. All you need is to get through each day. I have been there and it does end.

You could try to introduce formula as others have said or if it is easy for you to express then express two bottles, get your DP to do the night feed - mix breastmilk and formula if the baby keeps waking - and then you need to sleep.

I only got back to me after stopping breastfeeding as the constant waking and feeding exhausted me. But it is hard to do. Please pm me to chat if you need support- recovery is possible.

Emmylou2018 · 06/10/2019 19:43

Thank you everyone so much for your kind words and great suggestions :)
Ive contacted home start and my health visitor. Ive often thought about a sleep consultant but I'm not sure funds can stretch to it. If a magic sleep fairy came along and waved her magic wand I feel that was solve a lot of the problems I mentioned. If we found someone who could guarantee us success we'd find a way to pay its just the worry of what if we pay out lots of money and it doesn't work, traumatizing the baby amd making me more exhausted, for nothing

OP posts:
Twe123 · 07/10/2019 17:52

Being a mummy is a lonely exhausting experience and Ur not alone my babys are 8 months and 18 months and I'm still traumatized by it all but remember this u made this tiny little human that's the positives of u and someone you care for,
The fact Ur able to vent off is a huge accomplishment it shows Ur intune with Ur thoughts and emotions, remember becoming a parent means Ur not the same old u, it's completely normal to lose Ur confidence is mummy's lose everything after having children and have to put a whole new us together,,, your doing absolutely amazing, take a deep breath have a soak and start again remember Ur as strong and u allow yourself to be be kind to yourself you deserve it!
X

irishfairy77 · 07/10/2019 20:43

Try introducing a bottle. Breast feeding is a lot of work on your body without even realising. Just take it step by step and then night feeds etc can be easier to share with dad. Don't give up! You are doing a better job than you will ever realise. Going for walks may help, fresh air will be good for you both and hopefully will get a decent nap in after!

abitfunny · 11/10/2019 07:34

Another vote for transitioning to bottle and sleep training. There are so many home methods for sleep training that won’t cost you, you absolutely don’t need to do any cry it out methods either if that worries you. You are being really hard on yourself too, please just look at it literally -

You aren’t getting any sleep
Your baby is solely dependant on you for everything
You never get a break

All of those things are contributing to you feeling so rubbish - so you need to try and eliminate at least one for now.

I was very unwell for the first year of my sons life, looking back a lot of it shifted when he started sleeping much better. He slept through the night for the first time around 11 months and it just so happened to be the time I remember feeling half ok on some days. Even now if I get a few hours sleep one night, my mental health suffers big time. Don’t underestimate it.

Please keep on talking and get on the bottles, hand baby over and p*ss off for a night or two! Why not you deserve it x

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