Baby blues :(

[laur1994]

Hi. I just don't know where to start.. I have a 14 week old baby boy who I love more than anything in this world! Before having him I was very confident and independent.. I live away from my family and friends due to my partners job and regularly do things alone. However, since having him I feel so anxious all the time and I've never felt like this before.

We moved house when he was 6 weeks old so I am in a new location and know absolutely no one or the area. I try so hard to take my little one out but by the time I have got us both ready I just cannot leave the front door. I feel so silly as I have never felt this way but I just can't do it, I can't go out on my own. I feel like the whole world is watching us (although my rational mind knows they're not!) and I want to burst into tears. My partner works long shifts and I am on my own more often than not I HATE feeling this way. I feel stuck in a rut and am constantly in tears as I am so lonely. My partner is caring but he just does not understand how or why I'm feeling this way. He tells me to just force myself to go out but I just can't do it. I am only 24 and feel like my life is now stuck at home and I feel as tho I am starting to resent my partner and his job. There are so many feelings I have that I would be typing for days but I just don't think I will ever feel settled here. I am so close to my mum and family and I always wanted to stay living near them but unfortunately my partner refused to relocate. I feel like I've made a huge mistake and there is no way out.

Hello @laur1994
Sorry to hear you are feeling like this. I can totally relate although I'm through this stage now as dd is older and in childcare.
This is a really normal way to feel in your situation and there's lots you can do!
Firstly, tell your health visitor how you feel. You can phone them, no need to wait for an appointment. Also consider telling GP just to get more advice.
Secondly, you need a network of other women in your situation. Join local Facebook groups for mums on mat leave, go to local breastfeeding cafe/ group if that applies, go to the baby groups going on near you. Look up your local mumbler site on fb and join. Just go to anything that will hook you up with other women in your stage of life. If you can't get out of the house just yet, start to make the connections online. Also use mumsnet for support.

Also could you tell your parents/ family/ friend how you are feeling and they might come and stay with you for a few days? Or go visit for a break and some support?

Finally... if you are sleep deprived that will be making it loads worse. That phase passes.

You aren't alone! You can do it! X

Perhaps it is time to have a good long discussion with your partner, it doesn't sound like they are providing much emotional support, and now is the time you really need it.

I hope things improve soon, in the meantime, maybe ask your mum to stay over.

Thank you for your messages. I have discussed it with my partner multiple times and he just doesn't understand why I feel this way. He always wants me to be happy so I feel like I have to pretend I am so it doesn't upset him. I feel so stuck and like there is no way out.

I'm sorry things are difficult at the moment, Pointof0return is right, you should speak with your doctor. Your doctor may suggest therapy and couples counseling, if not, don't be afraid to utilise mental health hotlines.

I wish you all the best.

It's really hard having a baby and being on your own all week with them. I recommend chatting before library rhyme time to other mums a bit and also apps like mush and peanut to meet mum friends. Your health visitor might be able to recommend a local baby group as well. As soon as you know you've got someone to meet for coffee and chat to it's so much easier. I remember with my first I thought everyone would look at me and think I was a terrible mother if my baby cried in public, I didn't realise babies sound so much louder to their mum and no one else notices and other mums know exactly what it's like anyway. Once you've dealt with a leaking nappy or an upset baby in town a few times you know what you're doing and it's not such a worry. Can you pick somewhere a short walk from home and see if you can go there and then come home? Even your local shop for chocolate. If you say to yourself we will walk around the park once and then come home you'll both feel better for the fresh air. If you get your change bag packed and outfits out the night before your partner could help you both get ready and you could leave together as he goes to work. Staying at home all the time and feeling lonely would be affecting your mental health even if you didn't have a baby. If you'd like your life to include some mum friends you need to go and find them, there's definitely women local to you with small babies who would like to chat to you. How you're feeling is really normal, you'll feel more like you again when you find a new routine and a network in your area.

It's hard because I have always been so independent and I feel like that has all been stripped away from me and I just constantly rely on my partner, which I hate!! I'd love to meet some mums in the area but I'm so scared to go to baby groups alone, I think I have got myself stuck in a rut. He's also hit the 4 month regression HARD and my partner has been put on 12 hour shifts (plus 2 hours travel time) so he has not been here at all. He sweeps everything under the carpet in the hope that these feelings will go away.

We have recently bought our first home together and his parents gave us a hefty deposit so I feel like there is now no way out. I love him but I am starting to resent him, his life has barely changed whereas my world has been turned upside down. I wish I didn't feel like this. I know there is not much to suggest but I guess I just need somewhere to vent my feelings. I have been going on short walks as baby likes his pushchair but it's just so lonely. I often feel like a single parent and the area we live in just does not feel like home.

It is very hard for you at the moment because, as you say, your life has totally changed and his hasn't. He still has adult company and other things to talk about at work besides the baby and you don't. It will get better and your baby will become less totally dependant on you and hopefully you will be able to return to work if that is what you want.

However this is no comfort for you at the moment. You need strategies for now. When the other partner is out of the house every day for over 12 hours it is hard for them to 'get' where you are coming from. He wants you to be happy but is still adjusting to the new relationship as well. Gets home tired and secretly thinks you have had it easier which of course you haven't.

I agree with other posters about you trying to find ways to mix with other mothers but I also think you need more actual help from your partner. Sometimes the only way the working parent 'gets' how hard it is for you is to be left to look after the baby themselves. Could you possibly leave baby with your oh all day at the weekend. Even if you just go into town have coffee/lunch/go to cinema/gym or sit in the library reading a book. This would give you some 'me' time when you don't feel 'on call' all of the time and it would let your op see exactly how tiring/draining/anxious a little baby can make you feel ...however much it is loved and wanted.

How you are feeling sounds very familiar to me. It's dreadful. Especially the difficulty with getting out the house. Perhaps you could set yourself really little targets in terms of getting out. That might start with walking around the block or whatever is the easiest you can imagine. Once it's done you can cry with relief and you must give yourself lots of praise for doing it. You may feel that it "should" be easy given what you are generally capable of, but in the circumstances it truly is hard! I've been there. Though I am close to family and my partner was in a better position to help. You are in an incredibly hard situation.

If your partner isn't getting it, can you just present him with what you need and ask for him to find solutions. Tell him you need a break once a week - what's the best way to achieve that? You need a bigger block of sleep - what's the best way to achieve that? If the answer is not him pitching in, could you buy in some help, get family to come and stay, you go and stay with family for a while etc. Enlist him in joint problem solving.

Things do get easier. For example when they are old enough that you can stick them in front of the tv while you get everything ready for going out for example! But when they're that little it's very difficult without help. It just is. I have reflected a lot on how nature never intended for us to be doing it alone - in the past we'd have been more embedded in extended families etc. We can't do anything about that but maybe it helps to see that how you're feeling makes sense in the circumstances.

All the best OP.

I can really relate, I felt the same with my DTs when they were babies. I’d definitely call your HV, mine was an absolute diamond and came round once a week to chat with me, help with the babies and even offered to go to baby groups with me. Sadly she relocated, and whilst my next HV tried we didn’t gel and I withdrew and struggled on on my own.

I ultimately sought help for my pnd when the babies were 8 months because I just couldn’t take it anymore. The dr got me on ads, and I saw her every two weeks until I’d got my dosage right. I’ve been on them for a year now, and it’s like I’m a completely different person, better than I was before I had kids (I’ve always had anxiety).

Not saying you have pnd btw, but if you feel like you might have I’d really suggest seeking help.

Wow I am so overwhelmed with all the support. Thank you all so much, it is so so comforting to know that people totally understand how I am feeling and I don't feel dramatic. I really needed that. My oh does try to help but he's so tired himself he either doesn't know what to do to help me or I feel oblidged to give him a break as he's been working long hours himself. I have never been put without the baby since the day he was born and if I suggest it, he doesn't understand why I would want to go out without them as we barely see each other as it is. This cannot go on and something has got to give. I am so close to my mum and sisters but unfortunately I had to relocate due to his job as he refused to transfer. I really struggle with this as we have all supported each other. I know I can message them whenever I like but it is not the same and I don't want to burden them with my problems when they have their own issues.

Although my partner tries to understand, he just doesn't get mental health despite seeing my family history of it first hand.He and his family are very much the pick yourself up and get on with it type. I really want to start focusing on trying to start a new life instead of dwelling of 'home' as that is no longer my home.. but it's so hard when it was never really my choice to leave.

I understand why you want to focus on making your new life. I think it should be possible to do that without cutting yourself of from your old home and your family. I don't think you are at risk of "burdening" them with your worries even if they have their own - I think that might be the blues talking. It must be hard feeling that your partner doesn't understand your feelings. You should keep trying to communicate with him, and rest assured that all your feelings are valid and normal, even when he doesn't get them. I hope things get better soon, and I think they will.