Feeling overwhelmed, angry and sad

[MamaMGT]

My daughter is almost 4 months old and she is my first. Lately, I've been struggling with my emotions and am really struggling to cope with parenting- particularly if my daughter gets upset. I know what she will want from her cries but I end up feeling very drained, sad, angry, flustered etc. I am also struggling with coping with the millions of things to stay on top of, as well as being an active mummy (playing/bonding with her, teaching her) and the emotional rollercoaster I feel like I'm on.

I can go from coping absolutely fine with a smile on my face and genuine happiness to all of a sudden rage and collapsing on the floor crying, within 5 mins.

As well as all this, mum guilt is taking over my life (as it seems to all of us). I feel like I can't even sit and have a cup of tea for 5 mins because I should be on the floor playing with her, doing tummy time etc. I feel guilty if we are shopping and she has been in her pram for longer than an hour because I feel I am depriving her of cuddles. I feel guilty that I don't hold her enough, even though she's happy playing on the floor. I even feel guilty for having a glass of wine at night when I finally get time on my own because I feel like I should be on top form for if she wakes up.

Once she has gone to bed I feel like I shouldn't be doing anything and should be going to bed straight away so I can be a 'good mummy' the next day, and not tired because I got less sleep. However, I am very tired even though she only wakes up once or twice in the night and goes straight back to sleep after a feed, my body feels exhausted.

I don't know what to do, I feel like I can't reach out to the health visitor because she will want to see me every couple weeks and make me fill out a questionnaire, it will just make me dwell and most likely I will feel fine in the moment.

It is really taking over my life and I'm getting myself stuck in a vicious spiral. I am going from 0-100 very quickly and overwhelming myself, and half the time I don't feel like I'm a good mummy, did/does anyone else have this?

Oh love. I think there’s a good chance you’ve got post-natal anxiety / depression. Your little one just wants to be loved and held. You don’t need to teach her anything - the only thing she wants to know from you is that all is well. You don’t mention the baby’s father, are you a single parent?

Honestly, she is one of the happiest babies I have ever met and only cries when she is in pain or frustrated which is rare. So her happiness restores some faith back into me because I know I do take care of her well.

Her father is in the picture, we all live together and he is a wonderful partner and dad to her. He works long hours though, so in the week may only see her for an hour a day. Just me and her in the day. The weekends always seem to be busy whether we are spending time together in the house or doing things out and about. We have recently moved house and have been unpacking in dribs and drabs, and have been fixing it up to the way we want it, so that seems to be taking up a lot of our time.

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. You're doing an amazing job by the sounds of it. Your LO is well and happy with a family that lives her and that's the main thing!

I don't have experience of PND so can't comment much, but please speak to your health visitor or GP as they will be able to judge the situation and advise you.

Hugs and hope you feel better soon

@Tulips26 thank you for your kind words! Now i am going through a phase where I feel like I'm managing really well and feeling like a good mummy. They come in phases it's frustrating, but staying positive so I can prevent falling into that phase again.

I am at the doctors next week to get another load of my contraception so will mention it then! (Didn't put two and two together about it maybe being contraception?...) I will discuss it with the doctor and see what they say anyways.

Thank you again 🥰

Hi love. I can sympathise. It really is overwhelming. I had post-natal anxiety. My baby is 11 months old and I still get these feelings.... the fact that you do get those thoughts shows that you are human... and you want to be a great mum. Try not to be so hard on yourself lovely. My mindfulness practice really helps me. After post-natal anxiety and my emotions being up and down, and starting a business, mindfulness has taught me to really be in the moment with him and then enjoy the moments that I'm not. It also has helped me label unhelpful thoughts and deal with them in a positive way.

Lots of love. You've got this Mama. xxx

@AmyPollyMamaKind I think it may be a touch of postnatal anxiety as I have suffered with anxiety about a year and half before I had my little girl. I have got the headspace app and trying to make some more time for me to focus on myself and wellbeing.

Thank you for your lovely words, you must be a great mummy to your son!

Lots of love xxx

@MamaMGT bless you.... you're so kind. I also had Rapid Transformational Therapy, it was life changing for me. And meant I could get back to my meditation. I didn't like to do it when I was anxious.

Amazing that you are looking after yourself xxx

Hi
A lot of what you say resonates with me, I've got a 12 week old.. He's lovely and smiley but I'm struggling with all the emotions you mention. OH has some work things on his plate and is depressed himself, so we are arguing every other day. I'm terrified it's having an impact on our lovely boy. I'm already worried that my negative personality and chronic anxiety and depression will affect him.
I feel like a massive failure as a human being.
I've got some sertraline from the gp but haven't taken it yet. Had a job coming off antidepressants when I was pregnant and don't want to jump back on them if actually getting some more sleep and doing mindfulness and exercise could do the trick. What's everyone's experience with trying to manage pnd without meds?
Anyway, again, you are not alone in what you feel. Hope it gets better for you, and you enjoy your baby time more.
X

I could have written your post!

You are doing a great job. It's hard not to think you should be doing something in the house when you have a break or the baby is asleep but sometimes you must just sit down with a snack and a cup of tea in front of some rubbish on the tv. Might I suggest Ru Paul's drag race? That's my go-to at the moment!