Feel like such a terrible person

[babyKhaz10]

I have a beautiful 10 week old son and god knows i love him so much (he is my first)
But i am failing him
I keep seeing other mums with their baby's and they all look so happy to be a mum, but i am not from the start i haven't been able to bond with him, i try so hard but i just can't bond no matter how hard i try, and the guilt is terrible, i mean i look after him and he has everything he wants and needs, but i just don't feel like a mum, im not happy, i cry every single day, i suffer with Bipolar disorder but all throughout my pregnancy i was fine, i still took my anti psychotics but i came off my mood stabiliser as it could cause serious birth defects, but during pregnancy i did absolutely fine! I give birth via emergency c section and for the first few weeks of his life it was great, but then it all changed, i feel like I'm not good enough for him, i'm so sad i feel like I'm really at the bottom and i can't see a way to get back up again, i've been put back on my mood stabiliser but we have to increase the dose slowly which is probs why its not fully working yet, i try to talk to my mum (shes really the only person i have) but she doesn't understand how bad i feel, and she thinks i'm being selfish which makes me feel a whole lot worse, can someone please tell me that postpartum depression will get better? I just really can't see any light at the end of the tunnel i sat last night and thought about taking my own life thats how bad its getting i feel so alone, calling my mh nurse on monday to ask for some kind of help asap just feel like the worst mother like im letting him down because im so unhappy and misrable

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. you are not failing as a mum and he loves you unconditionally. please do phone for support it will make a lot of difference

I promise it gets better. When my DD was 4 weeks old I was planning on attempting suicide. If my HV hadn't turned up unexpectedly early I think I would have hone through with it. Treatment helped really quickly (within about 2 weeks) and by the time my baby was 3 months I was coping, by 6 months I was enjoying it and now that she's 18 months I'm the happiest I've ever been. PND was pain like no other I've ever felt, and I've had other mental health problems but none that have ever come close to the agony of PND. Keep taking your meds, ask for more help from your MH team, your mum, your friends and the baby's dad. You will get through this.

Hey OP - quick question, do you have a perinatal mental health nurse? If not, please please get one. they were invaluable to me when I had similar feelings to you with a diagnosed mental health problem and totally saved my sanity during those very early days.

If you do have one, please get in touch with them ASAP. They will do what they can to help you

Please speak to your GP, HV, anyone. Honestly. My DS is 11 months now and I've been periodically feeling like you since his birth. I'm on meds, see a counsellor (privately) and have very recently found a sympathetic GP who caught me in the middle of a crisis

I do have bouts where I feel like I am failing my son and that he and his father would be better off without me - but I am usually able to snap out of it because of this extended support.

Not out of the woods yet but honestly, you are not alone. And the 'other mums' you mentioned do not have it together - they are simply hiding it better or aren't beating themselves up for things the way we are.

You can do it - your baby has a lovely mum and you he first year is hard. Please feel free to DM me if you wanna chat

I'm so sorry. Are the perinatal mental health team involved in your care? If not, they should be. It is hard enough with a new born never mind a mental health illness on top it sounds to me as if your baby is getting all they need but it is you who are suffering.

I have mother and baby MH team involved ive told them i feel bad but haven't gone into too much detail because i just feel so ashamed and im frightened they will think im a unfit mum and take him away from us
I just can't take this, i feel so low, baby is with mum most of the time because i just can't manage don't want to carry on, what kind of life will he have with someone like me? God he will be so disappointed that im his mum
He deserves a-lot better, im so ashamed of myself so god knows what the nurse from mother and baby is going to think about me when i tell her how im feeling, mum says i should be grateful i have a child as some people can't, which i understand, but i just don't feel anything 😔 sounds awful

Honestly I was the same, I felt nothing. It's the illness speaking, not you, and once you're feeling better you will start to bond with your baby and love him.

OP I can hear the depression in your voice. It's an illness and a serious one at that effecting you, your baby and your entire family . The mat mh team can help you and I can guarantee will not separate you from your child.... far from it ... you need each other and they will be able To support you , I promise. Nothing whatsoever to feel ashamed of ; if you were this incapacitated by another illness eg asthma or whatever you wouldn't think twice about describing your symptoms and seeking help. Please stick with it and ask for real life help.

@babyKhaz10 the mother and baby unit will NOT take your baby away, I promise - they will do everything they can to make sure you feel supported and can manage. Please do tell them in detail how you feel - believe me, I told them more or less how you've described feeling and all they had was empathy and got me the help I needed quicker.

This is your illness talking, if you didn't care or love your child you wouldn't be worried about how you feel, trust me. The fact you do shows you love your child just are experiencing a mental health crisis and just need help.

Please make that call today/tomorrow x

Hey there OP. How are you doing this
morning?

I reckon a call to 111 would be a good idea - we would like to help on here but we can't speak to you and I think speaking to someone would really help you right now - could you do that?

As an aside - the fact that you are seeking out help is great - it shows that you are a good momma as you are following your instinct to look after yourself and your baby, the dark thoughts are there but they aren't you - you shine through and above them.

I've been where you are and I am doing well - this isn't forever. Please call 111.