Struggling to bond with 2nd child - is this PND?

[istheresomethingwrongwithme]

Name changed because I feel awful writing this and don't want this linked back to me.

I have 2 DS, one has just turned 2 and the other is nearly 4 months. They are perfect, they both sleep through the night and are generally happy and content children. DS1 went through a phase of horrendous sleep when he was about DS2's age, so I know how lucky I am not to be horrendously sleep deprived.

I do love DS2, deep down, but I don't think I feel that same intense love that I do for DS1. It's like he is just there. I wouldn't be without him but I don't feel the same 'pull' as I did with DS1. DS2 had reflux, but we seem to have that under control with a prescription from the drs, other than that he has been as straightforward as they come.

They are both clean, fed and well looked after. I haven't struggled with having 2 under 2 in terms of keeping on top of the house and that sort of thing. However I feel like I put my all into raising DS1 because he is the most important thing in my life, whereas with DS2 I do it because he is my responsibility and I have to. I do get pangs of strong love for DS2, but it's not the same undying adoration.

I had an easy pregnancy both times and a much easier delivery with DS2, so it's not that.

Will this ever change? I'm sitting here crying with guilt because I feel so awful admitting this. Objectively I can see that he is a perfect baby, so why do I feel this way? I had hoped for a little girl because we won't be having any more DC so I'll never have a daughter now. Is that it? I find there is quite a lot of negativity at baby groups about having only sons which probably doesn't help, but I should be able to ignore those comments because I am their mother and I never ever want them to pick up on that.

I just feel like the most awful mum and I want to deal with these feelings before DS2 is old enough to pick up on them. It's taken me quite a lot of courage to write this down, I haven't told anyone in real life. Do I need to see my GP, or will this just come with time? DS1 will be starting playgroup for 2 mornings a week in September so I thought I might try to find something DS2 and I can do together on those mornings. If I came home I'll just use that time to do housework etc, so it would be good to find a music group or something that we can do on our own. Please help!

Hello OP,
I think you need to go much much easier on yourself, and give yourself a break- you’re coping with two small children and they’re happy and clean and fed- that’s amazing!
On the bonding, I’m not sure whether you have PND. I struggled with PND and bonding and it was hard to know which came first- whether the guilt about not bonding pushed me into PND or the PND caused the not bonding.
However, since I’ve felt better and have talked to my friends about this, pretty much all of them have said that they felt pretty ‘meh’ when their baby was born. Newborns don’t do an awful lot, and when you’re looking after a fun communicative older child too, it makes sense that more of your attention would be on him. The bond with your youngest will grow over time- and, although I know how hard it is- try not to worry about it and trust that it will come.
Also I totally get the gender thing- I was expecting a girl and it really took me a while to adjust to the idea of a boy. It’s nothing to feel guilty about- it’s very normal I think. You’re just adjusting to the big change of two kids, so cut yourself some slack.
But if you’re feeling down about it, maybe chat to your GP? Mine was a life saver.
But please please don’t beat yourself up for how you’re feeling or not feeling, I think a lot of people are in the same boat. Take care x