Hi all,
This might be a complicated one so bear with me. Not sure whether to put this under the 'Relationships' or 'Postnatal Health' but considering I'm currently in tears about it, I thought it was more appropriate here. I'm feeling extremely sensitive about this issue and do really fear some of your responses but feel it's important to get it off my chest.
I have just given birth to the most incredible baby boy who is now 3 weeks and 4 days and we are so in love with him! However, I am having major dips in mood. I understand it's easy to just blame hormones for this but I wonder if it's something more?
This is my first week with my partner being back at work, I had a very traumatic birth which involved going into theatre for a retained placenta, getting sepsis, being in hospital a week and now I have had complications following birth that requires me to need physiotherapy because sitting and standing to an extent is excruciating.
I've found myself being upset about the above things but now I find myself questioning my relationship with my partner (baby's father) even though he has been amazing majority of the time. This is purely regarding trust. We have been together 1.5 years and it has been quite rocky at times. Due to my previous mentally abusive relationship, I have found it so hard to trust him and I had communicated this to him from the start. However, there was an incident while I was pregnant when I found out he went to a female coworkers apartment after work for what he says was 40 mins because he wanted to avoid coming home (we had a bad week of arguments). This to me raised alarm bells even though he insisted (and still does) that it was innocent. However, with my past - I am finding it incredibly hard to believe and trust him and find myself stillnraising the issue 4 months on. The main thing that crosses my mind is that his denial of cheating could simply be a consistent lie. Since this incident arose, I have seen it impact our relationship heavily. And 3 weeks postpartum, I find myself questioning all those nights he stayed out late and if he was with another woman those times. Since the birth of our son, I have questioned the relationship a couple times already. With the most recent argument almost ending our relationship and resulting in the discovery that my partner sized a ring of mine in secret and has bought an engagement ring that is currently at his mother's. I wanted to speak to him about this recent relationship concern but (1) I'm afraid it will turn into an argument (2) I don't know if it's just hormones (3) I worry that I simply just won't believe what he says.
I am my own worst nightmare and on one hand I hate myself for these unhealthy thoughts but on another hand, I think what if I am right about all this and he has been unfaithful to me all this time?
It's brought me to tears today because it's driving me insane as I'm sure it drives him insane. I don't know if this is early PND, baby blues, a legit relationship issue to be concerned about or an personal psychological issue. Today I feel like just not existing (not in a suicidal way)! Can anybody shed some light as to if I'm being irrational or not? My baby boy is the most important thing to me now and I want to watch how I tread as I don't want to cause a toxic environment at home unnecessarily.