Feeling like a failure

[bellainthemiddle]

DD (our first) arrived early (34 weeks) 4 weeks ago, but despite being early, she is doing brilliantly and has been home for a fortnight already. I'm loving being a mum and, having a few close friends who have also had their first DC over the last year, I've been able to benefit from all their advice.

Everything was so positive till Thursday, when I started feeling really unwell. On Friday evening I ended up in A&E and I've been in hospital ever since with severe kidney inflammation, which seems to be caused by an autoimmune condition, although they are still trying to figure out exactly what is going on.

I feel like a total failure not being able to be a proper mum to DD in these first few weeks and I'm really worried about the impact it might have long term. DH has been amazing and is taking the week off, and my in laws have also gone out of their way to help. I just feel so guilty about all the stress and worry and difficulties I'm causing.

Any advice would be SO much appreciated. I just want to get better quickly for DD and the family, and stop causing everyone so much trouble.

With the greatest respect, you can't possibly be a terrible mum if you are ill. Please don't give yourself a hard time, and just concentrate on resting and recovering.

You’re not causing trouble, your body has been through a lot so please try to be kinder to yourself. You need to be well for yourself and your baby DD, so focus on her but also yourself.

Accept help from anyone your comfortable with, and if you still feel down then talk about it. You’ll find it’s really normal at the start to have “baby blues” which is the hormones mixed with shock (my take on it), talk about it to your MW or HV or partner.

I also felt like I ruined my baby’s early life with hospital trips for myself and then she needed medical intervention, so that was obviously my fault too... it wasn’t and if my supportive husband hadn’t have been around at that time I’d have let the one or two really ill considered comments from a HV be my downfall. After a few weeks, I felt much better but small comments could really stress me out and make me cry (unlike me). I think it’s taken several months to feel like me again, but I’ve always discussed this with the support (Gp).

The bond with your baby will take a lifetime to develop, think about your own relationships. Your baby girl will love you, she knows your voice, she knows your heart beat and skin. You are her everything. Do not worry that you’re causing damage, because you’re not. Have her in the hospital with you, still care for her if you can and cuddle her. You may not feel the overwhelming love rush that the films talk about but you do love her as your worried about her.

Get well soon and congratulations x

Thank you so much for your lovely messages. It does make me feel a little bit better that this is not my fault. I just feel so useless! And I'm also worried that this is going to be something long-term (which everything is pointing to) and I'm going to be a hopeless mother forever!

I'm lucky that, in spite of the early delivery and a VERY quick labour, I did feel that bond with DD straight away. It is making things both easier and harder at the moment, if that makes any sense.

Honestly you won’t be a hopeless mother, you’re worrying about her despite being in hospital. I’m sorry it sounds like a longer term issue 😔 but don’t stress until you know more. One day at a time was my phrase during the early days, as there’s such big changes going on. Plus it puts less pressure on you when you’re not thinking of the future.

Can you have her in hospital with you? They would let me as long as someone was in to help look after her for when I couldn’t. Also was seen in maternity to ensure she had a cot etc

It sounds like you're actually a fantastic mom with a great support network.

Get well soon

Thank you so much for this - it helps, really!

At the moment DD seems very happy and well at home with her dad (I wasn't bf anyway - did try but it just wasn't happening!). And I am a bit zoned out on meds - but we'll see how things go!

Even a short visit for a cuddle might be nice so you can see (and smell) her, just for that visible reassurance she’s doing well x

DH is bringing her in today :) I just hope I'm going to be properly awake - I tend to be totally fine and alert for about half an hour and then I fall asleep!!

Feeling a bit more positive this evening (and it was lovely to see DD this afternoon). Thank you for all the kind messages!

Oh that’s great news! Hope you feel better soon X

Thanks! MIL has offered to take time off next week to help out with whatever needs helping out with - she's a teaching assistant and has TOIL to take before the end of term. She's such a lovely woman and I'm so grateful - but I feel really guilty. I'm sure she had nicer plans for what to do with her time off, although she says she's looking forward to spending lots of time with her grandchild...

Most parents would want to help in any way they can, my mum used her toil to come clean my house (because she knew it was an extra stress for me) and play with her grandchild. I know I would do the same if I could x