Struggling to accept giving birth experience

[LittleMy123]

Hello,

I'm finding it hard to think about my giving birth experience and I'm not really sure who I can talk to or if I even have to, just trying to let it out. I have a beautiful little girl who was born in February and she is all my world, wouldn't change my life for anything in the world. Being a mum is hard and there are every day struggles but I fully enjoy it although would like to have some more sleep, I guess like every new mum. I wouldn't say I'm depressed, I'm going out tk baby groups, made some mum friends and I'm generally in good mood every day.
It's just that I don't feel comfortable with how my labour went and thinking about it makes me terrified and tearful.
I had my first contraction from Saturday to Sunday night. We went to hospital 3 times before I had been finally admitted. My contractions were quite strong and close apart (6-7 minutes) for the whole Sunday so I didn't sleep or eat at all. I was really exhausted. They've admitted me more than 24 hours after my first contraction when I was 5cm dilated. I was offered gas and air but it did nothing to me. I know that some (not all of course) women say that their pain was like stronger period pain but I felt like I'm going to die, I couldn't control myself and I was screaming at some point. I was terrified. When making my birth plan I was strongly convinced that I will have a water birth and I really loved the idea of that but I have also said that whatever happens I will accept as you can't really plan it. At the hospital I have been asked if I would like to have epidural and I said yes without hesitation. I felt that I can't deal with the pain. Now every time somebody asks me about it I feel like I have to justify my choice otherwise they will think I'm weak and I don't deserve to be a mother.
My labour lasted nearly 14 hours, 2.5 hours of pushing and I had 2nd degree episiotomy and forceps delivery in the end. I feel like a failure, I tried my best, I even refused forceps first because I really wanted to do it by myself. Finally the midwife got angry with me and I gave in as I understood that this is for baby's safety.
Also I'm not really sure what the procedure is but after I have been stitched up I've been told by the midwife to get up and get myself cleaned up, I was left alone in the room and hour after the birth as I told my husband to stay with my daugter (she's been taken away to get antibiotics as I was strep b positive and she was born with high temperature). I could barely walk due to epidural that had been topped up shortly before forceps have been used and I was really dizzy and weak.
We had to stay in hospital as a precaution because of strep b, I had broken down in tears as midwives were forcing me to breastfeed when I just said I need to have one day break (my baby wasn't latching properly, I had blood coming from my nipples and she was crying from hunger). I cried all the way home from stress even though I've imagined this differently, as the happiest day of my life.
It's almost 4 months after but I'm still struggling when thinking of what have happened and I'm thinking that having epidural means I wasn't brave enough and I don't deserve to have another baby.
I'm sorry for a long post, I just really wanted to let my feelings out as I keep them hidden and don't discuss it with anybody. Thank you for reading.

Oh that sounds awful OP. You’re not weak and it’s not a case of whether you’re brave enough. You’ve had a traumatic time.
Is it too late to get a debrief from them about the birth and to be able to talk through how you feel?
And

Please speak to your GP and get some help for this, feeling some disappointment that things didn't go smoothly is not unusual (though also really not necessary), but the degree of failure you're feeling is not normal and you need to learn to be kinder to yourself and find someone to help you do that and move forward.

An epidural doesn't make you weak or an unfit mother, I dont know many people who didn't have one and a lot of my friends are doctors!

Aftercare in labour wards can be shocking, I had emcs and mine was also really poor - being left to it etc.

Post-traumatic stress from birth experience is a real thing so I would go and talk to a GP about how you're feeling. I'm sure you're a great mother.

Someone told me I was like a tiger for going through what I did and still having the strength to keep going. No one bothered to tell me that for ages after dd was born. So I'm telling you now.
I have physical and mental scars from my experience and I took too long to get help. But I got it. Please don't make that mistake. I hope you have someone in your life to advocate for you when you don't feel up to it. Get your GP involved. Or a GP at the practice because we don't have "your GP" any more these days.

This just shows the difference midwives can make! So sorry about the experience you had. I was in labour for over 24 hours and had to have forceps eventually but the midwife could not have been nicer. She made the whole experience calmer for me and other staff that looked after me after the birth were lovely too apart from one midwife who made a rude and sarcastic comment to me. Don't listen to any of the parenting police. You will be doing an amazing job and as mothers we should not have to justify making the choices we think are best for ourselves and our babies. Being a mum is hard enough xx

Oh OP, I really.feel for you. My first birth was just utterly horrific and traumatic. My SIL on the other hand was of course wonder woman, her husband boasting about how brave and amazing she was, not accepting any pain relief, not even screaming, not making a noise, barely pushing and out came the baby. Always felt envious.

I had a similar experience, episiotomy, forceps and 3rd degree tear. I screamed like a banshee and really wish I had had an epidural, I honestly think it would have been way less embarrassing!

I also completely failed at breastfeeding and he was on bottles at 10 days old

Please don't feel bad, it happens xx

I know how you feel. I had an epidural in similar circumstances but the forceps lead to an emergency c-section. It’s not fair that we feel this way though. I was in so much pain that I was vomiting constantly and it felt as if I was going to die. Other mothers who didn’t have an epidural may have experienced different pain.

I hope you don’t mind me saying, I think a lot of your trauma is derived from unsympathetic and unsupportive midwives. It seems like you were dismissed quickly after birth despite painful intervention and exhaustion. I hope you feel better soon. Have a look at your local ‘birth afterthoughts’, they’ll debrief you on your birth and help you cope with any trauma. Ask your health visitor for the details.

There is absolutely no reward, no ‘being a better mum’ or anything of the sort for having an epidural. It makes no difference to your baby. She is safe & you are safe and that’s all that mattered 🧡 modern medicine is amazing and we should use it!! You wouldn’t go to get a tooth out and ask for no pain relief x

You were NOT weak or a failure.

And your experience has clearly been very traumatic for you.
I wouod go and ask to see a counsellor specialised in that area (I’ve discovered not long again that such people exist). You do need to be able to talk about what has happened.

You’re not weak. You must have pushed so hard and so well to have gotten your baby low enough for a forceps birth to be possible. No small thing when you’d been in labour so long, were likely exhausted and strapped into every machine. You grew and birthed your baby All forceps do is stop your baby slipping back (first babies rock back and forth in your vagina for a long time - fine if they’re well, but if not, forceps just speed this stage up). You birthed her in what sounds like really distressing circumstances. To be caring for her 4 months later, with so much trauma in your heart - that tells me you’re an incredible strong woman.

Sadly it sounds as if you felt you weren’t listened to and felt really abandoned in the hours after birth.

Please contact your GP for a referral for counselling. I would also really recommend you contact your maternity unit and ask for a “debrief/afterthoughts” session. They will get a senior midwife to talk through your notes with you. It can be really healing.

If you planned to have another child, it is likely to be a very different experience. For example, second babies generally come much quicker. But it would be worth flagging up with the midwife at booking how traumatised your first birth left you and asking for referral to their mental health midwife so you can get additional support and continuity

I could have written your post after I had DD. You are not a failure OP, you really aren't. You may not have had the birth you imagined but you have your DD and you are both here safely. It took me a long time to accept my DD's birth wasn't a failure on my part. Speak to your GP or health visitor. I did, had counselling and a de brief with the consultant- it turned things around for me. Please believe me- you haven't failed.

Oh OP. I had 2 babies by c section. First baby was breach, 2nd my waters were leaking for days and nothing else happened- so c section advised in the circumstances. So I've never been in labour, never been through anything like what you are describing. I am totally comfortable and at peace with my birth experiences, as I felt they were what was best for me and most likely to result in the safe delivery of my children.

You tell your story and say you feel you may not deserve and other baby because you weren't brave enough? But I read it and think you sound incredible. Look at all you went through. All that pain and fear and physical exhaustion. And you did it. You grew and gave birth to your beautiful, special child. How amazing are you! Childbirth can be so brutal and Im sorry it was a really hard experience for you . But you should be so proud. You got through it and you love your daughter. Just because women give birth every day doesn't mean that each birth isn't an incredible achievement in itself.

There's no prize for the most amazing birth experience, and doesn't affect how good a parent you are!

Some of us got lucky and had easy straightforward deliveries, others have emergency c-sections and everything in between. The only thing that matters is the safe arrival of your lo.

Hello everyone,

Thank you very much for all your kind messages, I think I've read each and single one about 3 times and they all made me feel better about myself. I think this is what I needed to hear, I find it hard to share my feelings with anybody and to have it all written down gave me sense of relief. I still feel very sad about it and probably will, I just really want to find a way to accept it and stop looking back. If I would read this kind of post written by someone else, no matter what kind of delivery it would be, I would say that women should be proud of themselves no matter what happened as we have given birth to our children and nothing can compare to mother's love. Sadly I always undermine and doubt myself.
I think I will speak to my GP, I'm not sure if it's not too late for a debrief but I think it could be part of my healing process.
Nobody really talks to mothers after birth and you just have to get on with life having to care for another little person, it's such a challenging time. Unfortunately me and my husband have no family around, they all live abroad, so I feel like I have huge weight on my shoulders and I'm trying the best I can so that my daughter is the happiest little girl.
To all of you who had traumatic birth experience or even who had a straightforward one please know that I really respect all of you, no matter if you had a c-section or not.
I pushed for so long only because I insisted that I can do it and her head was slipping back. And I don't know if that makes any difference but I'm quite small, only 5 foot tall, so not sure if she didn't just stuck inside.
I wish I would have not listened to 'parenting police', all those comments just make you feel like you are doing it all wrong.
But you can all be sure that I love her more than anything in the world and that I would suffer any pain for her, she is the reason why I want to get up every day!
Thank you one more time for your kindness, you've all made me cry!

Oh OP this could have been me writing this post! It was the most horrific experience of my life hence I only have one child. I could never have gone through that a 2nd time. People used to ask me when I was going to have another one! I told them never and why, and I got lots of comments like ‘oh it could be different next time, you’ll soon forget the experience, oh don’t be such a wimp (yes women actually said this!, luckily I’m not a violent person!)’. It’s 30 years on and I never have! To this day just a flash of memory sends me right back to the pain and shock. I think some people can get past it and some can’t. You are NOT a failure or a wimp. Seriously, don’t berate yourself! You’ve been through a very violent albeit natural experience. Look after yourself.

You're doing a super job littlemy, I can tell by the way you write. It's so tough being a parent with no support, we are in the same boat.

I had 2 sections and will not even remotely entertain any bullshit from 'too posh to push' comments or train of thought. Being a mum is frigging difficult, takes all your energy and we all deserve gold stars and medals.

As mothers I do think it's easy to internalise all this info that's pushed on us: presenting as guilt in all its forms. Breastfeeding, cesareans, epidurals, BLW, ad nauseum. Guaranteed we can find something to feel guilty about.

Forget all that nonsense and enjoy your baby!

I found giving birth really overwhelming and I seemed to need to talk about my experiences a lot so that I could process if all gradually (luckily I had a chance to talk to people who didn't judge).
I think it is really normally to be thinking about what happened and trying to make sense of it all.
Most hospitals will give you the chance to have a debrief with a specially trained midwife who can go through your notes with you, answer your questions etc. It might be worth seeing if this is available to you.

OP this sounds so very very similar to my birth experience 6 weeks ago.
We are not failures for having an epidural, you did what you needed to be as happy and comfortable as possible to bring your baby into the world.
It really sounds like you haven't had the care you deserve from your health professionals. If you have a GP or midwife you like and trust, you can make an appointment to go through your birth notes and talk through the experience with them.

Epidurals as a sign of weakness or being a bad parent? What?

If you have a headache you take painkillers. If you’re pushing a baby out your vagina I think you’re entitled to some too!

A friend of mine gets her husband posting about what a wonderful mother she is for having two babies with no pain relief at all. I just see it as confirmation he’s a twat.

I had an epidural and then a forceps delivery. I also beat myself up afterwards but now I’ve made peace with it. I needed that epidural. Not having it would have made my labour even more traumatising. My dh burst into tears once the epidural was in and I was no longer in pain.
I really recommend a debrief. Really helped me. Also it sounds as though your midwife was really unkind which added to your trauma.
I absolutely hate the way that women are made to feel like failures for having an epidural. If you have a nice short labour then yes of course it’s possible (but still incredibly hard!) but you had a really long labour. In France most women have epidurals and they don’t have higher assisted deliver rates.
You did amazingly well to birth vaginally after such a long birth you must have been exhausted. As a pp said they use forceps when baby at risk of or is in distress.
Be kind to yourself. Your baby doesn’t care and you haven’t done anything wrong at all.
Most first time mothers have an epidural!

OP mainly just want to send hugs and to say you sound like a great mum. I had a planned caesarean ( partly because I hate pain) so you sound super brave to me. My Dd is 9 now - and it is easy to say now but in 9 years of joy the birth becomes one important part of a very long journey. Others here will give you better advice on what to do now. I just want to say be kind to yourself

If you broke your leg and took painkillers for it, would you feel like you didn’t deserve to walk?

If you had anaesthesia at the dentist, would you feel guilty and undeserving of having teeth?

I didn’t have an epidural and it was the worst choice I could have made. Childbirth without pain relief was hell. I screamed, cried, begged and wretched, eventually getting an episiotomy and ventouse. I was utterly terrified and traumatised. It was almost three years ago now and yet when I went to the gynaecologist last week I actually cried in her office because it brought back those horrible memories. Childbirth, in my experience, is fucking awful and next time I do it - IF I do it - I’m requesting a c-section.

Anyone who thinks I’m not ‘strong’ as a result of my choices in childbirth can fuck right off.

Just to add: I begged for an epidural but it was too late by that point.

See if your hospital runs a birth after thoughts service. It a debrief type session with a qualified midwife. It answered a few questions I had. You health visitor might have some on it for you