Loneliness and isolation since becoming a mum, normal? Chin up?

[Robose]

So I’m starting to get pretty lonely. DD is 5 months now. Go to groups and have chats with other mums which passes the time. Everyone is so nice after all. Am on a couple of active WhatsApp groups too (eg NCT) so get lots of daily support chat. But feels like I don’t have any wingwomen like I do in normal life (two best friends haven’t had kids yet). Who I can bare the soul with.

Is it just a suck it up thing and it will get better? Is it pretty normal to feel like this? I know some women strike it lucky with good friends doing it at the same time. My mum has depression so not able to help and my partners mum is great and comes over once a week but she keeps telling me how run ragged she is.
I feel so guilty when I want to cry and my beautiful daughter looks at me with such smiles.
Just looking for some solidarity really.... hoping it will pass? Seems so hard without making this into an issue too. Any comments v welcome, thanks for reading.

If you are feeling low and isolated, have you told your DH how you feel?

Do u have the 'Mush' app? Its like a social media for mums, u put in ur postcode and some basic details and u can link up with other mums in ur area, arrange play dates etc. I've made 1 really good friend, plus a couple of others that I would happily meet for coffee.

I feel the exact same as you. My baby is 6.5 months and I’m dreadfully lonely. I think it has contributed to me also being diagnosed with PND. I’ve always been pretty content in my own company so I wasn’t expecting to feel like this.

My mum visits once a week for a couple of hours, any even though my sister lives about 10 mins away I probably only see her once every 2 weeks as she’s busy with her work and own kids.

I joined a couple of online groups for meeting mums but got no responses.

Like you I’m hoping it will pass.

I had this. Had children young (29) compared to friends. None had babies. Moved out of London. Knew no one. Had busy job. I was very lonely. No local family.

I just made it my mission to make friends. Invited people over for tea and coffee. Cinema/nights out. I found actually a lot of people were in similar situation and just didn’t feel they could say it.

I had my first at 26 and didn't know anyone with children. I felt the same. It's a difficult time, and it's a real shame. Definitely a problem with our society, no doubt about it.

My only advice is to find people you connect with a my playgroups and invite them over. It's easier to have a meaningful conversation when you get to know someone one to one, and where you can both relax.

A friend of mine has started a mothers group, and invites a few mums and babies over for tea and cake every week.i think they take it in turns to host. Maybe worth starting one?

Thanks for replies all. Sounds like putting my head in the sand about it won’t help then (darn it 😉).
Told my DP yes but trying to be mindful how needy I am with him. Whilst preg I met two mums off mush, I also linked with some mums from my pregnancy yoga class who live nearby. Felt like that was enough hard work but realise now I’ve been a bit wound licky because it hadn’t taken off to the degree I hoped. But I am seeing now this is like many of the other motherhood challenges (ie I think it’s hard but then it gets a little harder) and it means I have to shift up a gear and accelerate for a bit longer. I like the idea of hosting coffee and cake round mine. Defo a way to let some people in to my life more.
Gosh it’s so bloody hard isn’t it. Time to dig a little deeper then (its worth it in the end I know) 💪🏽.
Thanks for the perspective change assistance and suggestions peeps xxxxx

It's definitely not easy. It's worth persevering though.

It IS bloody hard!

I have to say, I truly admire your attitude and self-awareness

Where about are you in the country @Robose? Just thinking if anyone here is close to you maybe x

Hi, I’ve changed my username but this is she (robose).
Thanks @fraula I try to be like this, doesn’t work all the time but def aspire to be.
I’m in Manchester Emma. Thank you for that thought, that’s lovely. There are mums about, I just need to up my game I see that now.
Mumsnet is so lovely, I am so grateful to it and the mum army 😄

Hi

I feel exactly the same, I have a beautiful daughter who is 5 months old but feel quite lonely, isolated and disconnected from the world. I am 37 and have always worked full time so am struggling get use to a new routine or rather lack of it. I go to mum and baby groups every week but it is hard to make new friends rather than just people you see each week to say hi to. I get out every day for fresh air but it just feels like the walls are closing in on me some days. I have struggled with anxiety in the past but I don't feel anxious just quite lonely. Big hugs to all the other mums out there who are finding life as a new mum tough xx

Ah hey @littlemisstrouble123, it’s tough isn’t it.

So since I posted I have been really giving it my all. I’ve just started being quite brazen about asking for other mums numbers. Like you I’m 36 so haven’t had to do this sort of thing for years! It is like dating I’m finding haha.

Specifically I ended up personal messaging 3 mums that I’m on a couple of WhatsApp groups with (eg NCT) and 2 of them wanted to meet up, (the third said yes but so far nothing has happened -but is in process of going back to work so don’t think timing is ok for her) so I’ve had 2 ‘mum dates/meet ups’. One of them wanted to meet again and I can see something fairly regular happening wit her I think 🤞🏼 and the other I messaged again to suggest another thing but she’s not been that responsive it’s just letting that one be now. Another mum (a friend of a mum I met) I bumped into her at a library baby group and she said she was going for a coffee after so I jumped on that, then whilst at coffee I just asked if I could get her number. We are going to something together next week. I’m also trying more with friends of friends on Facebook who live nearby who have had babies or young kids. Just messaging them and asking if they wanna catch up. That’s really nice as don’t have to try as hard as already some history/common ground.

What I’m learning is it’s hard to work our which mums want to make other mum friends and which ones just want a bit of chat type support (either at a group or on WhatsApp). And also finding like-minded mums, but then the first date is telling for that.

It’s def deep breath time/feel the fear and do it anyway type-thing, but it’s completely worth it as that loneliness feelin is ebbing loads (hurrah!) It takes time and a bit of perseverance but my advice is just go for it and start asking, you will be so proud of yourself and pleased you did.

Good luck!