PND - will my baby know I don't love him?

[Shanmoo]

I had my baby 16 days ago after being induced and ending up with an emergency c- section. When he was born I felt only shock. He didn't cry for ages and no one said anything to us. My partner disappeared off to see him for what seemed like forever and came back holding him. The baby was never passed to me and finally a nurse came in and asked if I wanted skin to skin but I was too scared. The first few days me and his dad shared caring for him. I feel like I enjoyed looking at him and holding him. As the days went on I dreaded changing or feeding him. He wouldn't breast feed which would upset me. I only enjoyed him when he slept. Now all I feel towards him is irritation when he cries. I don't change him or feed him or do any of his care. I only hold him when he is asleep or on few occasions. I look at him and don't feel anything, no love. I've been to the gp and a mental health team visited me yesterday but I'm unsure what plan in place. I feel so guilty that my baby is getting bigger and bigger and I haven't been there for him. I keep getting upset and crying and wondering if he knows I don't love him. It breaks my heart that he might. We wanted a baby so badly, I can't understand why this has happened. Has anyone been through something similar and shed some light?

I've just read that back and realised what a horrid person I sound. But I want to be completely transparent in how I feel.

You poor thing. I suspect you are more attached than you think, else why would you even care?
Don't be afraid to open up to the people who are helping you. I suspect you'll get a lot of people reassuring you that the rush of love doesn't always come straight away, it doesn't mean you don't love him. Congratulations on your baby.

You sound overwhelmed and scared. It's normal to be scared that your best isn't enough

No he won’t and you know what it’s not the norm to love your baby straight away. It’s a big fat lie sold to us by the media.

Your have just been pregnancy, labour, major emergency surgery, your life has been turned upside down in a way you could not imagine, what you expected to have did not and your hormones are going wild. I would be suprised if you weren’t struggling.

Even the people I knew you had ‘easy’ labours and no problem breast feeding dreaded their babies waking.

You do love him, why would it break your heart if you didn’t.

My experience was slightly different but the mental health team were amazing.

What’s your plan for today? Do you think you can manage getting dressed and going for a slow walk around the block with DH? Maybe you can push the pram for support.

My heart goes out to you. Sounds like you had a really tough time immediately pre/post birth so it's not at all surprising that you are struggling now. I'm glad you went to the GP & hope you will get the help & support you need. I left it 8 months & I so wish I hadn't.
The fact that you have written your post shows you do have a connection to your baby. You might not feel love at this stage but give yourself time and easier said than done, but pls try not to be so hard on yourself. You need to recover physically and give yourself some time to adjust.
I didn't have an immediate rush of love either, it felt scary & overwhelming, even though we had also planned having our first baby & I had been so excited.
Everyone else I knew seemed to find it so effortless & was swathed in a bubble of love. I just wanted to hide away.

My eldest is now 19 and we have a very close bond. He has lovely memories of childhood and until the last 2 years had no idea I had struggled to bond. Even though it was one of the loneliest & most isolating experiences (at the time) I went on to have 3 more children so I hope that gives you some reassurance. X

It’s ok. It’s ok. These are such early days. I didn’t really love my newborn babies in the way society tells you to expect (and I had pnd too - mainly anxiety). I told my husband we’d made a huge mistake and we should have our eldest adopted. I was deadly serious. It makes me want to cry to remember I felt like that.

but I fell in love with them over time. I love them both very much. Would I tell them now I didn’t love them at the start? No because that would be hurtful and who would it help. But it’s true.

Please take care of your baby in the best way you can and get some help, both practical (so you can rest and recover) and medical.

No, your baby won't know. My utterly gorgeous six year old, whom I adore, has no idea I was googling adoption and fostering services when he was a couple of weeks old, determined to find a solution for what a thought was the worst mistake I had made in my life.

I didn't have PND, I was just miserable and in shock from sleeplessness, an unexpected CS, and not being able to BF.

But you need to engage with the MH team, and start to spend more time with your baby in gentle, gradual stages, to start to build a bond. Don't torment yourself about not loving him -- how could you? He just got here, he cries all the time, and it's not automatic. It will come over time, but you need to give it a chance by spending time with him now. Don't panic. Just work towards putting yourself in a position where you can meet his needs (which are very simple at this stage). The love you don't need to try to force.

Oh yes, we wanted a baby badly too. And I had a failed induction then a caesarean. So much of your story sounds similar.

I promise it can get better from where you are now. I promise.

My eldest daughter is 47. We had a horrendous start to her life. I spent over 4 months on bed rest in hospital. She was born at 37 weeks weighing 2lb 15oz. You are lucky, you're getting help for your PND early, and things will improve. As others have said, the love for your child is there, it's just that at the moment, you need to be cared for. When my child was 8 months old, I was holding her, at night, looking out of the window, when suddenly I caught sight of my reflection in the glass, and thought "Anyone looking at me now would think I loved this baby". When she was 18 months old we moved house and my new Health Visitor said "What is being done about your depression?" I remember being amazed that there was a name for how I was feeling. Even though I was a trained nursery nurse, and I knew about PND. The best advice I was given was to make myself do all the things I would do if things were different. Particularly cuddling, making eye contact and smiling and talking to the baby whenever she was awake. It was hard, but it was worth it. Other people realised I had a problem, but my daughter didn't, and we are very close now.