I'm not strong enough to do this

[Muppet7410]

I'm a second time mum and my daughter is 2 weeks old today. I'm not enjoying her.

I have a 2.5 year old who suffocates me day and night, demanding all my attention and energy, and a newborn who is unsettled. She appears in pain after feeds sometimes but I don't actually know what she needs and I can't soothe her.

I'm exhausted and tearful and don't know what to do. My partner wants to help more but we don't know where to start.

How are you feeding her ? Can your DHbtake toddler out for the day and someone come to help you in house / with baby / let you have a rest ? X

Also could baby have trapped wind or reflux ?

What a nightmare.

I would say, your partner needs to take your 2.5 year old out of the house for long exhausting swimming trips, walks, visits to other people/grannies? Whole days and half days?. Your partner could also take on all meals (obviously also shopping and cleaning). Feeding a new born is so overwhelming.

Then is your health visitor any good? Start there with the pain after feeds.

She is formula fed and has been since birth. I have a feeling it's wind or reflux. I'm going to get some infacol to try today.

I hope it is just wind as reflux can require all sorts of meds which may or may not work. She doesn't bring up milk after feeds but writhes about in pain.

We're having difficulties with the toddler accepting daddy. Our toddler is horrible to daddy so it's difficult for him to get involved. He has been trying really hard and taking him out on his bike or to the park. He's been bathing him at bedtime then I put him to bed.

Evenings are the worst as I have to sit in a chair while the toddler falls asleep and when he wakes during the night I bring him into my bed and oh goes into his bed as I don't have the energy especially in between night feeds to settle him back in his own bed.

The HV watched me feed my daughter yesterday but of course she settled ok after that feed. She suggested infacol, comfort milk etc

I feel your pain. My LO is 7 months and DD is 2.5. It's been a really hard 7 months and far harder than I ever thought it'd be. DD was a dream baby, we now realise and DS has been very different. Try and accept that this is going to be hard but not forever. TV has been a big help here and we have been able to wean it down over the last month. DS has tongue tie, silent reflux and has been quite miserable. He's getting better and sleeping better. I forgot how hard the newborn stage was, winding, feeding and getting them to sleep. I wanted to punch anyone in the face that said it will pass but it will. Get out and about. Try infacol, dentinox and gripe water but inbound they made no difference. We found mam bottles to be much better for wind ( we tried tommee tippee, Dr browns). We also tried even type of milk but found aptamil 1 plus gaviscon and ranitidine works the best. Hope that helps xx

Maybe a different bottle for baby? Mine was like this and I could see that she was taking in loads of air with the avent bottles so switched to MAM. I did a bit of research and decided MAM or Dr Browns - bought one of each and MAM was best for her. Wind stopped immediately.

I empathise hugely. I have a 7yo who I think has special needs, a 2yo who attacks the 7yo and a 3mo. I'm in a relentless phase where I'm supposed to be the one fixing it but am exhausted. I have to remember it won't last forever.

OP I have a 2 year old son and a 2.5 week old DD delivered by c section so solidarity! My son has really been struggling with the new arrival - he’s gone from being a sunny lovely boy to having loads of random tantrums. Nights are the worst, he has gone from happily sleeping through to waking up every night shouting for mummy. Like you he will not settle for his dad so I have to go up to his room with his dad, have his dad lift him out of his cot and bring him to our bed and then hAve him superglue himself to me all night. When the baby feeds I’ve then got to use one arm to feed her and the other to snuggle my son. It’s exhausting!

No advice but am hoping it all settles down soon for both of us!

It's really hard in the early days if your toddler is upset. At this point, it does sound a bit like a toddler issue more than a baby issue.
Something that has helped me is increasing in very focussed 'special time' during the day - find a good opportunity (eg baby is fed and with DH or in a swing or even asleep on you in a sling), specifically tell your toddler that it's their time now, use a timer for 30 mins (or 10 or 15 if that's all you have) and let them see that your phone is away and there are no distractions and play whatever your eldest wants.
Doing this a couple of times a day can help reassure them. After a few days of this, I'd see if you can then retreat a bit at night. Have you tried audiobooks? They've been a saviour for me with newborns, the older DCs can choose one for 15 mins but it only works without a parent in the room. DS3 practically begs me to leave with the baby now, so he can listen to Peppa pig bedtime stories!
For bed sharing, I'd use a sticker chartif possible, starting with something very desirable and achievable (like a sticker if they go to sleep with dad or noone in the chair, and another sticker if they stay in bed all night, and an ice-cream after 3-5 stickers).
At the moment, it's not really fair to your new baby or to you that so much of your energy is going on your toddler - it won't help you bond or recover, or get enough focus to learn how this baby needs to be settled.
Is your toddler also in nursery at all? Do they have family they and DH could visit for an overnight trip?

Thanks, I've actually already bought the mam bottles but haven't had a chance to open them yet 🙊. Hopefully they might help too.

Stealthbanana I'm sorry to hear your also going through this too, but I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one going through this difficult time. I don't want to wish time away but I want this phase to be over. I want a routine with a start and end to the day. I don't mind getting up for night feeds if I can get to bed eat but I need structure to my day.

As everyone else says, this is the hardest time. It will get easier, and quite quickly, all on its own. For now all you need to do is get through it. Take some pressure off, you don't need to 'do' anything. Just take each day as it comes, maybe take some small steps to get out of the house either as a family or with the toddler or baby. Fresh air, a change of scenery. Issues with the baby's feeding will become more obvious or fade away (I'm not dismissing that there might be an issue, but also I think most mums have thought their newborn has some kind of digestive issue in the early days, it will become clearer in the weeks ahead). Your toddler is adjusting and you are tired and probably still hormonal.

Also a massive hug OP. I remember this all too well.

Also, you ARE strong enough. And to this day the only newborns I've enjoyed are other people's! Don't put that pressure on top.

My little one is 3 now however he suffered badly with formula feeds in the end he had cow and gate comfort which was amazing for him the change was instant we was on aptamil before that it wasn't good for him.

We had infacol, lactoease drops in each bottle worked too . However the best thing ever was plain old Gripe water ! We just put some in a bottle and fed straight after milk and he burped like mad.

Don't get me wrong some nights we were rubbing his back for ages before a burp came I used to bounce him on my knee gently then lay him back and sit him up quickly and then the wind came up .

It's so tough ! We also had a special wedge that he slept on which kept him upright so reflux didn't come up this was brilliant .

Oh and we had and still have 3 years later a EWAN dream sheep comforter he has this now still and I will replace it until he is 16 as it works so well 😂 xx

Just take every day as it comes , maybe try to get your other child to feel they are very helpful with the new bub and see if you can turn it around so they think they are really helping with the little one helping feed milk, getting nappies etc and loads of praise xxx

Oh and Dr Brown's bottles , we tried every other colic bottle but these were the only ones that worked. Xx

Please hang in there - jealousy is normal in toddlers but it won't last and you are simply exhausted. Try infacol or gripe water, concentrate on burping (your dp can do this) and as you are bottle feeding, share the feeds anyway. Your toddler needs reassurance that their world is still going to be ok - took a couple of weeks with us (and dh was back at work by day 3 as no paternity leave in the US) but before you know it, everything is fine. I kept to the normal schedule of playgroups etc (not sure how I did it looking back as I didn't drive) and met friends in the park to play in the snow (we were close to having to put on snow chains to go to the hospital and my midwife was threatening to send the police to bring me in, but fortunately overnight when I was in early labour it went a few degrees above freezing briefly!)

Coilef is brilliant for colic, you can get it on prescription as it's dear to buy from Boots etc but worth it - was a lifesaver for us as my daughter had it for 8 mths.
When times are hard I just would say to myself all of this is temporary it's not going to be forever. Whatever relief or an offer of a helping hand grab it and say yes every time no matter how small a help it will be it will be one less job for you xxx

Thanks to everyone for the advice. The tiredness doesn't help me think straight at times.

I pulled my son out of Nursery before Christmas to save money. He was doing 2 days a week but I can't justify spending the money while on mat pay. I now feel this was a big mistake as right now I can't provide the stimulus for him at home. The minimum our nursery does is 2 days so no option to reduce the cost!

I have both sets of grandparents near by but feel if I ask for help I'm failing as doing my job as a mother.

Gosh ask for help! I’ve got both my parents here atm plus the rest!

I know what you mean re wishing the time away. For better or worse I am EBFing DD and she is a total guzzler - I just need to get through the first 6 weeks and have my supply settle down so I can settle down my family too!

At the same time I feel so sad for DS and guilty as I know his world has been turned upside down and he’s such a sweetie - I feel horrid to watch him so obviously struggling with all this.

I'm at a similar stage to you with a 2 year old and a 4 week old so I totally sympathise. I've been up since 2.45 this morning feeding a newborn!

DD was born over Christmas and I actually think the disruption of that time (no grouos/classes/childminder) was more difficult for DS than the arrival of his sister.

Once everything started back in January, he seemed much happier and more settled.

You've taken your son out of nursery but is there any groups or classes you could take him to so that your day still has some structure he gets to socialise with other kids? Maybe try popping baby in a sling? Or finding a class where they could snooze at the side in their pram?

Oh and you are definitely not a failure if you ask for help! And if you are, I am too cos I couldn't survive without the grandparents!