Can't get over c-section

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I had an emcs 7 months ago and I still can't make it right in my head. There are so many reasons that I don't know where to start.

I'm surgery/needle phobic so the whole thing is totally abhorrent to me. I have to pretend I didn't do it otherwise I fall apart. I had a spinal block too and the thought of needles in the spine make me feel sick and dizzy. It's something I said I'd never be able to do.

I had an elective planned but a week before that I developed hellps so had to have it there and then. I didn't have time to do whatever preparation I mentally could to help me deal with it.

I also love giving birth so I feel as though I have been robbed of that. I won't be having any more children so I feel cheated. It just feels like I had a very empty end to my pregnancy. I just went to hospital one day and they were removed from me. They were in special care too so I went back to the ward with no babies.

Finally, I'm still recovering. I'm sore if I do too much and my scar is raised, ugly and red with an overhang which swells up.

I'm so cross with myself that I can't move past it. Does anyone have any advice?

Just think of your babies and it will all srem worth it. I had a c section and felt detached to begin with. But when i look at my Dd im just grateful to have her in my life.

I feel for you, that must have been tough.
I struggled with my emcs and felt feelings of failure, these feelings persisted for months and months and I was very emotional and sensitive about it.
Anyone I told replied something along the lines that all births were shit and a healthy baby was all that mattered. A few people also told me they only wished they'd had a section.
While all this may be true I did feel it shut the conversation down and put me in my place - shut up and get over it etc.

I hope in time you will feel better, physically and mentally.

You have too see it as your a mum, with a healthy pair? To take home.
You did this to save their lifes, your so bloody amazing and should wear your war wound with pride.
You gave of your very best and you won....

OP I feel for you. You have 2 things to work through- physical & mental- get the scar site checked out by GP & perhaps physio referral to ensure you are exercising/healing well that way. How you feel may be something your GP can hflp with- could you start with a birth debriefing meeting at the hospital? My births & aftermath were completely unexpected & I feel I failed but we are all in reasonable health & im grateful for that & try to focus on that which was the best outcome no matter how badly things went wrong before & after birth. Be proud look what you made. I hope you manage to find help & acceptance

I had an emergency 10 years ago. I went into labour on a Sunday and after failed ventouse and forceps I ended up in theatre to have an emergency section on Tuesday. I felt very much the way you are describing. I had such a traumatic time while in hospital, I had to stay in for a week and my midwife wrote in my notes that I was at risk of PTSD. I couldn't drive or walk far for 10 weeks, I was so bruised and sore. After a few weeks, I requested and paid for my maternity notes which helped me understand more about why I ended up with a csection. I used pure vitamin E oil on my section scar and 10 years on it is hardly visible. Things did get better for me, I have an amazing 11 year old and hardly ever think about the traumatic birth I went through, if anything I think about how lucky I am that my son was born safely.

Firstly, if you're still in pain, have you been to the doctor?

PTSD from a traumatic birth is a thing, and therefore you can help. I'd seriously advise you to look into getting some sort of help to resve your disordered thinking.

You never thought you'd be able to do spinal block etc but you did. That makes you amazing. You endured all of tbst to get your babies out as quickly as possible when they needed it, and that makes it amazing.

Not holding them when they come out, being on that sodding ward with other people's babies whilst yours is desperately ill on a different ward and you can't see them because you've been cut in half is bloody horiffic, there aren't words for your first sight of your child being a photo of them in a plastic box wired up to machines and its perfectly OK and normal to hate that, be sad and angry at that etc but if it's affecting your mental wellbeing and your life, please please ask for help.

It's taken me 14 years to stop thinking about my EMCS. I had a failed induction, pre eclampsia, PPH & HELLP. It was my first & only baby, I was terrified of being in hospital, the thoughts of having a section hadn't entered my head before it happened. My idea was that I would go in to labour, go to hospital when I was far enough on in labour, give birth & go home again after around 6 hours. Instead I had pre eclampsia, was induced, my labour started & everything from that moment went totally wrong, nobody explained why anything was happening or done, nobody asked me if I was ok with what was being done, it was all we are doing this & no explanation. I had no choices given to me & no control over what was happening. Nobody told me I could refuse to be induced, I was only 36.5 weeks & my body wasn't ready to give birth, nobody told me that the chances were the induction wouldn't work. I felt almost as though I had been assaulted, I was stuck in hospital for almost a week, received terrible care after the birth. For years after I felt like my body had let me down, the thing that is supposed to be the most natural thing in the world to a woman, I couldn't do. I struggled to bond with my son, had horrific PND & was offered no proper explanation as to why the birth had gone so wrong. The only way I deal with it now is to think that I can't change what has already happened, only what is going to happen in the future. Support has improved a lot since I had DS, you need to speak to your health visitor, your GP or the hospital you gave birth in & ask for help, speaking to other mothers who have gone through the same thing helps. Just start speaking out how you feel & keep on speaking out until you find someone who understands & can help you put those thoughts in to some kind of order that gives you peace of mind to be able to accept what happened.

Thank you all so much for your replies. I'm sorry that you can all relate in some way but it's good to hear it does get better.

I was in hospital for 2 weeks after because they couldn't get my blood pressure to come down. I have older children too so it was a very stressful time for us all.

The health visitor recorded me as having ptsd but I just dismissed that as overly dramatic. I don't feel I need a debrief as I know why it had to be a cs delivery. My gp a) never has any appointments available and b) is overworked and not into talking much in appointments so I don't feel able to go though it there.

I'll see if I can find any groups or organisations. Thank you all again for replying.

Please ignore the posters, and anyone in real life telling you just to be happy because your babies are healthy. You are a person in your own right, not just their mother, and you're entitled to feel upset, even if you do have healthy babies.

I had a traumatic birth, which ended up with my baby being fine, but me suffering. The fact that my baby was fine, didn't make up for the life altering injuries.

My debrief pissed me off as much as it helped me, so whether or not you go, is a very personal choice. If you do feel you need help, do make sure you go and get it. It's easy to think "well, I didn't suffer enough", (which is where the "but you have two beautiful babies" comments become unhelpful) but clearly it's still playing on your mind. Good luck.

You can call your local iapt service, just Google iapt with your county name for the number. They are what your gp would refer you to anyway. You will be able to talk it through with someone pretty quickly as you've had a baby recently.
Your brain will process everything little by little. Try and talk it through as often as possible, even if you just say "I had a terrible time in hospital" because each time you say it to someone, it lessens the trauma a little.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

The only thing I want to add that to what other people have said already is about you saying that you’re so ‘cross’ with yourself for not getting over it more quickly. What you’ve gone through - the loss of the birth you planned and a traumatic c section - are huge adversities that (look around) most women would find immensely difficult. Not only is it something you should easily get over by forcing yourself to, but being harsh with yourself and beating yourself up for having completely normal emotional responses to an abnormal and upsetting event, will only make it worse.

My advice to you is to please let yourself grieve the birth you didn’t get to have. Maybe this involves writing yourself a letter about it, talking to a trusted friend or talking into a dictaphone if there’s no one you’d trust with this intimate and painful thing. Or maybe you would feel comfortable with a counsellor- I’d urge you to try it. There’s no shame in it, and it doesn’t put you in a category of ‘mentally ill’; we’re all human and sometimes need a supportive space to talk and not be shit down by well meaning but I’ll equiped, distracted or ignorant people. Seeking support and taking your emotional wellbeing seriously is a strong and responsible thing to do, for yourself and for your baby.

One other thing I’d really recommend is this book which teaches a compassionate way through the postnatal period. It has postnatal depression in the title but I think every woman who’s just give birth should have it on the top of their recommended reading list. It’s accessible and has exercises you might find helpful. www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00X7UHTJK/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1&tag=mumsnetforum-21

Best of luck with your emotional and physical recovery. You’ve been through a trauma and a traumatic loss and it’s not dramatic or indulgent to acknowledge that. Please try to be gentle, patient and kind with yourself. I know in this world we live in it’s hard to do, but I promise you it will help you to heal much more quickly than beating yourself up.

I’m so sorry about the typos

“Not only is it NOT something you should easily get over” - that should read

And “shut down instead of shit down”!

Thank you. It is hard to accept that it's ok to grieve and to see the birth as a trauma. I'm always dismissive of things which happen to me but perhaps it's time to see myself as a person for a change.

Thank you all again. It's a comfort just to know you have bothered to read let alone reply.

I get you OP. I had IVF to conceive my children and then 2 c-sections because I couldn't deliver them. When I'm feeling low thoughts of failure swim around my head - I couldn't bloody conceive or give birth, no wonder I'm such a shit mum! I know logically it's ridiculous - being a mum is so much more than carrying a baby or giving birth (thinking about foster mums etc) but feelings of failure and disappointment can be overwhelming for all of us at times.

I hope you can get some help to deal with your feelings, and also with your pain - my last CS was 8 months ago and I have a small neat scar with no redness. Massive overhang though, think that's here to stay