Normal?

[lmx0]

Is it normal to feel this way? I just feel lost, empty like ive no feelings and just going through the motions and this is me on a normal day on a really bad day i feel hopeless, useless, terrible mother and wife i lost my rag alot and over nothing im a bit weepy or i burst into floods of tears ive also been a bit distant with my husband he hasnt said anything lately but he prob has noticed before xmas when i was really bad i told him how i felt and he was supportive and wanted to get me to the doctors but i told him it could be a phase and will pass however the following week was as if this conversation never happened and if i was a bit quite all i would get cheer up or smile would ya so i haven't spoke about it since but he had said im more snappy and cant take a joke anymore ive tried to tell someone but i can never find the words and when i have said to a friend of mine (in a bit of a joking way) she said it was normal n she felt that way too but is this normal and will pass?
Ive also had a few physical things too such as sore neck and shoulder dizziness and a heavy feeling on my chest and a few tiles ive felt a bit hard to breathe

If youve made it this far thanks x

Yes, let us know. Thinking of you, @tiredmoma!

Well i went to the doctors this morning shook all morning with nerves and was petrified the doctor was running half an hour late and lg was getting bored so im sure you could imagine how that was but the doctor was lovely even though i burst into tears when she asked that dreaded Q how are you? I couldn't tell her so i gave her page i wrote down some of how i was feeling and she said yes sound like you've pnd and decided that meds and counselling would be the best course of action for me and ive to go back for a review in 3 weeks shes confident that me and baby are safe thankfully

Aw, I’m honestly so proud of you and so so happy you managed to do that. It’s such a vulnerable place to be and I imagine you’re still carrying so much shame, but you don’t need to. You’ve had to be so determined, resourceful and courageous to do that. Even going to the lengths of writing it down as you couldn’t say it out loud. That’s amazing, most women end up so silenced by shame and fear that it takes them much longer to get help.

How are you feeling about getting a diagnosis and about the prospect of medication and counselling? And how have you been feeling in general since the appointment? Is there any relief?

I hope you are doing something to look after yourself tonight. xxxx

Thank you so much tbh if it wasn't for your kind words i may have backed out once again! When the HV was here she told me that when she visits mothers on their 2/3/4 baby and asks any history of pnd alot of the time she hears 'i didnt go to the gp but i think i did suffer' and i can so see why this happens between the guilt/shame etc but also when you ask is it normal or is it something to be a bit concerned about and the answer alot of the time seems to be yes its normal so women are brushing it off.
Getting a diagnoses have gave me a little bit of a relief nearly tbh i just want to be better and back to the way i was and enjoy my baby more. Today ive been up and down okay mostly however a little teary and ive lost my rag a few times i dont even feel it building anymore i just explode.
Ive had a busy evening but i am having a baby free day tomorrow and a good friend and i are having a bit of a spa day and tbh i might as well be going to jail as im slightly dreading it and i dont know why......

You’re so right. I think people try to be reassuring when they say ‘it’s normal’ but people really want it recognised that this is something really difficult. I think you don’t want people to feel ashamed by saying “you’re not normal, there’s something wrong with you” and the reality is that 50% of new mums get a postnatal mental health condition so - it is normal in a way!! But it also needs to be taken seriously and I think that’s the difference. It’s so tough. I’m so happy you haven’t slipped through the net though because the great thing is that PND I so, so treatable. Therapy in particular is really effective and, also, life with a baby tends to get easier. At 3-4 months they start smiling back at you and a lot of people say that feels like there’s more reward and like their baby is accepting them. Then it gets more fun as they start laughing and giving you kisses and doing silly, funny things. The first few months are an incredibly shock and slog for every mother - whether or not you slip into PND. BUT by hanging in there and getting support you are going to come out of it sooner. It won’t be instantly sadly, but I hope every day it’s even 5% less shitty.

The spa day sounds like a great idea in theory, I wonder why you have this dread? My guesses about how I might feel would be that I might be dreading bursting into tears with my friend or them asking me how things are going, I might feel dreadful about getting into a swimming costume with postnatal scars, lumps and bumps and it might feel really overwhelming to have to be with a friend after crossing over into the crazy intense land of new motherhood. Do you think any of those things could have something to do with it? Is it a friend you can be open with?

My advice is: give it a go and be open to it going better than you think. Starting to socialise bit by bit is a huge part of the recovery for ANY depression and, actually maybe it’s the depression itself that’s giving you this powerful urge to withdraw and not socialise. These things often go better than you think so I think it would be great if you could just see how it goes. BUT, I also think it would be great if you could have a baby free day or afternoon next week doing something you’d actually really enjoy. Maybe just going for coffee or a walk in a nice park by yourself, getting a massage alone, going to the cinema alone, or going out with someone you feel completely comfortable with.

At least the spa day is a good first step. Honestly, I can see why you would not be over the moon about it but you never know, maybe it’ll be incredibly relaxing. Maybe you’ll feel able to talk to your friend and she’ll be supportive and non-judgmental and it’ll chip away at your shame and isolation with this and help you feel more connected. Maybe she’ll make you laugh and you’ll feel human again for a moment and that will open a chink of hope that that things will get better.

I don’t know, especially because I don’t know what your friend is like. But I do know that with depression everything feels like it’s gping to be utter shit!! And that’s your brain tricking you. Usually it’s a bit less shit than you think it’ll be. Plus you’re on a roll with bravery so you might as well keep going! Even if it’s not fantastic it’ll get you out of the house and that’ll give you some perspective, I really believe that.

Best of luck, and let us know how you get on :) xxxx

Its such a fine line and suppose its really hard to find the balance.

It was lovely to not have lo and just to chill out although when i was having the treatments done i couldn't switch off my mind was just racing from one though to another i really did try so i didnt get to enjoy them fully but i still did. I dont know why i had the dread it was a like a spa day but wasnt in a spa if that makes any sense so no stripping off (apart from when i had a back massage) this is strange for me as this is normally something i would really enjoy. My friend i love her like a sister but i dont feel like i can open up to her about this, shes currently expecting dc2 and has a few of her own troubles but i also get the feeling she wouldnt understand as we where talking about someone we know that had let everything slip at home due to grief/depression and she just didn't seem to understand as her response was 'but still you wouldnt let if get that bad or hire a cleaner!' So that was little off putting but at the same time i am a private person and it was nice to not get the 'how are you really and talk to me'!

Dh is trying me atm i know he is really trying to be supportive but its not coming across that way i seem to get angry very quick and snap and all i get from him is will you chill out, what has you stressing and talk to me and tbh thats making me back off more!! But he dosent seem to get it!!

I've been exactly the same on good days I feel like I was just being over the top due to tiredness. Finally went the the drs and was told I have pnd. Worth going I think, they're easier to talk to then I thought it would be

@Clarashan ive been and ive pnd too i couldnt get the words out to tell the doctor but i had wrote down a bit of how i felt and had it with me thankfully

@Clarashan hows things now

@tiredmoma a bit better. I think getting it out really helped. My dr gave me some medication but said it will take 2 weeks to kick in. My husband is still annoying me but I don't think that's all down to me and pnd (but that's another story 🤣). I think knowing what it is and that it's not just me 'not coping/ struggling' has actually helped. How are you feeling?

Yes getting it out there does help!! Although y

Hit send before id finished!! 😂 my dh really is trying but really is getting on my nerves too yes agree it does help knowing that im not going crazy or turning into a right cow im still a bit over the place but i now accept it and that its not my fault and i am allowed to feel this way (most of the time i still get times when i fall back into the old thinking habits!) i just take each day as it come and if that happens to be a really hard day then each hour!! How you much support apart from dp?

This is part of my problem, we live abroad and have no family in the country. We haven't lived here that long so the friends we do have I don't know that I trust with dd all that much (awful to say I know). How about you?

Aw @tiredmoma that’s a real shame that your friend made a judgment on someone else letting the housework slide. We live in such a judgmental culture it’s so hard to know who to turn to when you’re a bit vulnerable! I feel it’s so unfair that women judge themselves and other women based on how they keep a house. I think it’s a leftover from 1950s ideas about women looking after the home - men never internalise judgments over housework in the same way so it really irks me! It’s hard to keep up with housework without a small baby at the best of times, and everyone can afford to hire a cleaner either!!

As others have said I think it’s really normal to be snappy and irritable even without PND as it’s such a stressful time and you’re so knackered wirh sleep deprivation too. But with PND that’s understandably ramped up. It’s good that he’s trying though. I don’t really have any advice on that one other than thinking maybe you could ask the counsellor (when you get one) if you could have a joint session or two when you get there. Could be helpful to just have someone else explain about PND and facilitate a conversation? No relationship is easy though and It’s really hard wish there are extra challenges and changes thrown into the mix. There are no easy answers sadly!!! I bet though that when the baby becomes a bit less dependent and more interactive they the stress will stop and you’ll both find it easier to get along as you’ll both be more relaxed & less irritable - I hope so anyway :)

yikes sorry for all the typos. I meant to say not everyone can afford a cleaner...

@Clarashan aww thats a pity but i understand about trusting people when you don't know them long enough it can be are there any support groups near you? Might be worthwhile looking into i do have in laws near by but i dont feel comfortable telling them about it and my family have alot going on (mum is a carer for my nanny who has dementia) so i don't want to add to her worry

We really do! I know ive been judgemental in the past but since ive had dd ive really tried not to be as you really do not know what someone else is going through and yes women really are worse than men when it comes to judging others! (Either that or they are more vocal about it!) i think if he done a bit of research i think he might understand a bit more but we will take each day as it comes together and yes as she grows up and less dependant things hopefully will get easier!