Normal?

[lmx0]

Is it normal to feel this way? I just feel lost, empty like ive no feelings and just going through the motions and this is me on a normal day on a really bad day i feel hopeless, useless, terrible mother and wife i lost my rag alot and over nothing im a bit weepy or i burst into floods of tears ive also been a bit distant with my husband he hasnt said anything lately but he prob has noticed before xmas when i was really bad i told him how i felt and he was supportive and wanted to get me to the doctors but i told him it could be a phase and will pass however the following week was as if this conversation never happened and if i was a bit quite all i would get cheer up or smile would ya so i haven't spoke about it since but he had said im more snappy and cant take a joke anymore ive tried to tell someone but i can never find the words and when i have said to a friend of mine (in a bit of a joking way) she said it was normal n she felt that way too but is this normal and will pass?
Ive also had a few physical things too such as sore neck and shoulder dizziness and a heavy feeling on my chest and a few tiles ive felt a bit hard to breathe

If youve made it this far thanks x

Also im 5.5 months pp

Normal but might be nxiery or depression. Please speak to HV or your GP. It's not nice to feel like this.
How do baby's sleep? Mines reverted back to awful from 5.5 months and I'm feeling increasingly anxious as exhusted. Please get some help if you can and some rest.

Thank you for your reply baby has been a good sleeper from a month old can be hard to get down but once shes over thats her till morning

No not normal!
Being tired, annoyed at others priorities, a bit anxious all normal.
Feeling empty is not normal.
If you think you don’t feel right, then you don’t. Becoming a mum can really mess with your mental health.
The good news is that things can get much, much better.
You need to tell a health professional and ask for help. Either GP or health visitor.
It sounds as though you think you have post natal depression. If you can’t say it, write it down and take that note to a GP Appointment.
I’m a first time mum to 8.5 month old DD, I’m knackered and snappy but not tearful or empty.
Look after yourself x

@Whatamuddleduck thank you ive thought i should write an open letter and show someone it but i cant seem to get the time or peace think ill have to make the time later i just feel like i shouldn't be feeling like this as my lg is so good

Once she’s in bed, get it done!
Even if your little one were the most awful sleeper, you still shouldn’t be feeling the way you describe.
Just remember that it can and will get better. So much of post natal mental health is about changing hormones and experiences. Even the most healthy people can find that they need support for a while post natally.

Go to the gp and show him or her this thread. Sounds like post natal depression and/or anxiety to me. I'm no expert though!

Yes: you are normal. Every woman’s experience is unique but you are normal in the sense that your experience is completely understandable and there is nothing bad, wrong or abnormal about you. Even if you met criteria for PND, this is still normal in the sense that 1 in 7 woman will experience it and 1 in 4 experience significant postnatal mental health difficulties. So these are all very normal, they don’t make you weak or bad or wrong in anyway and they don’t make you any less of a mother (although it almost always feels that way).

But, yes: it also sounds like you intuitively sense that you’re experiencing distress and you deserve to get good quality support for this. I hope you do reach out because you deserve to get the support you need to feel confident and settled in yourself. You’ve taken an enormous step by posting here- I’m sure you thought about it for a while and felt nervous about posting and it’s no insignificant thing.

Maybe if there are barriers to you seeking support from a professional you could write them down on paper and think about them, or write them out here? If it feels too daunting, what would be the next step that feels manageable- is there a friend you could talk to? Could you rehearse what you would say out loud in the bathroom or write it down? Could you book a GP appointment for two weeks’ time? You can also self-refer to your local IAPT (google it and they’ll have a phone number or an email address) where they can offer you a nonjudgmental space to talk, maybe you’d find that easier than your GP? What would be the tiniest baby step in the direction of getting support for yourself with these painful and difficult feelings?

Just to say though: you won’t feel like this forever, it will get better, it doesn’t make you any less of a great mother- but you might need a bit of extra support (as we all do at different times) to get to a place where you are feeling better. Don’t deprive yourself of that support because you feel you don’t deserve it. You do.

By the way, you shouldn’t not feel this way just because you have a supportive partner- pregnancy, childbirth and adjusting to motherhood involves a huge, monumental psychological and biological upheaval- there are so many enormous challenges to face. Don’t discredit your emotions just because you don’t think you have a reason for them. There’s always a reason.

Best of luck and please be kind to yourself. Postnatal healing is a huge journey and you’ve gone through so much already. I really hope it all gets better for you from here on out.

Letter has been wrote but may rewrite it as reading back over it its a bit of a ramble i have a family support worker i may contact on Monday of some support and the HV is out so if i manage to courage i may say to her although im thinking the support worker will be easier as i can text her
@Tintean thank you so much for your kind words they mean alot x

No problem at all, we have to support each other. Aim for whatever is easiest- if the text feels easier go with that. But you may surprise yourself and find it comes slightly more easily than you’re picturing. It’s daunting though, so good luck. Let us know how you get on - and try do one tiny self-carey thing today if you can manage it xxx

HV came out this afternoon and i told her a little bit of how I'm feeling and she told me to see the GP and she will ring and maybe come back out in a few weeks to see how I'm getting on ive tried to text my family support worker and tbh i cant find the bloody words again ive just stood and cried instead!

Well, you’ve posted here and that’s impressive considering things are so shitty right now. I’m sorry you’re going through hell. This will pass, I promise. It won’t last forever and you are not a bad mother. You have no idea how normal this is.

How about we could give you some words to cut and paste?

What about this?

Hi,

Look I’m sorry to text out of the blue but I have been trying to ask for help for the past couple of weeks but it’s been so hard to find the words. I think I’m really struggling. I’ve been feeling empty and detached, I’m crying a lot and I feel like a complete and utter failure as a mother. I think I need professional support but I feel so much guilt and shame and confusion it’s been so hard to ask. I’ve mentioned it to my HV and she said she’d come back in a few weeks but I couldn’t find the words to say I think I need help more urgently than that. I’m crying as I write this, it’s been incredibly hard to do. I don’t want to alarm you, it’s not an emergency - I can keep myself and the baby safe- but I think that I really do need help and I thought I could text you. Thanks,

How would that feel to send? You could edit the words if you don’t like some part of it?

Also please do let her know if you’re not sure you can keep yourself or the baby safe. They won’t take the baby away from you (at least I think they won’t) and it’ll be alright. Honestly.

You are going to get through this. I know you don’t believe it so, for now, let me believe it for you. Millions of women before you have felt so similarly to how you feel and they to have felt completely alone. They’ve looked back from the other side and have thought “I never thought I’d get here”.

Let me know how you get on? I’ll be thinking of you. You can do this, I believe you can. You’re doing the right thing by asking for support - it shows just what a strong and courageous and responsible Mum you are, you just can’t feel it right now and that’s okay. Good luck xxxx

I’m just thinking that maybe you could also ask the Family Support Worker to visit the GP with you if that’s a big hurdle? Just a thought xx

@Tintean what lovely kind words.

I agree with everything that she's said, PLEASE be kind to yourself - it makes a world of difference. Allow yourself to feel those feelings, don't feel guilty if you're not enjoying motherhood, a LOT of us don't. Especially during the first year. I had a horrendous birth, no bond when baby arrived, plus bf issues/reflux/baby that didn't sleep which ultimately (in my opinion) all contributed to the depression. I just wish I hadn't been so bloody tough on myself.

The one thing I did do from the start was talk to those I am close to. It absolutely saved me and still does if I ever have a dip, which now is maybe once every few months, IF that. Rewind back a year ago (my son is 18 months now) and I was having a bad day every other day on average. Please take this from someone whose been there and really was in a bad place, it will pass. I know it probably isn't that helpful to you right now, but time & talking is the biggest healer.

Get your words down, anything that is in your head just write it down, you will be surprised at how you feel afterwards. X

@Tintean thank you so much id copy and pasted what you suggested but didnt use it in the end as i just let my fingers do the typing it ended up a ramble but i hit the send button before i could think too much more about it as it took me all afternoon to send it and it was 💩💩 myself from i sent it but she sent back the most wonderful reply and made me sob in the car (i had parked!) shes going out on wed to see me to talk or be there for me and see if she can offer me anything @Charlieislovely sorry to hear your suffered too but glad your back on track i had a bad birth and really hard time breastfeeding so i think its a factor

Was able to tell dh this evening too i didn't go into detail with him as i couldnt he asked and i asked him not to pressure me but at least he knows whats going on (3 people in one day go me!!)

Hi @tiredmoma I’m so sorry for the late reply I kept checking my emails for a notification but didn’t get any for some reason! I was thinking of you though.

That’s amazing that you managed to send the text and SOOO fantastic that you got a wonderful reply. I’m so happy to hear that, honesty. And I think it’s such a monumental step to tell your husband too, and well done for managing your own needs by saying you didn’t want to feel pressured to talk. Difficult births and breastfeeding struggles definitely contribute - childbirth can be unbelievably traumatic and can make you feel so helpless, degraded, dehumanised, scared and out of control. No one ever tells you that though! You are absolutely not alone in feeling the effects of a difficult birth. How could it not affect you? You’re a human being.

And there is so much pressure on women to breastfeed (even from the NHS) that you can end up feeling like a complete failure or the worst mother or both if you’re not managing it - breastfeeding struggles can also lead to difficult interactions with your baby which can really affect how you bonds. It’s rough. I really hope that you Dan look for stories from women who’ve been through similar stuff as you’ll soon see how you are not alone and so many others have been through similar struggles.

The main thing is though that ALL of these struggles will ease enormously in time. They will ease even more quickly now as you’ve been so courageous and have asked for support. I’m so happy to hear that you have, it’s incredibly hard to do especially with the stigma and shame.

Please keep us updated on how you’re doing? I’ll be thinking of you and sending so many good luck and healing vibes your way!!

I find all the time i dont get half of the notifications i should! Thank you so much for your kind words and support the family support worker came by today for a chat and can get me some counselling and she will have a chat with a perinatal worker and see what else she help me with i have an appointment with the GP on Tuesday so ill update you then. Now i just need to get to tues!

That is great news. I’m so so happy to hear that. Now you’ll have the family support worker and a counsellor offering you support (and fingers crossed the perinatal worker too). I hope your GP is compassionate and understanding towards you as well. You can get to Tuesday! One hour at a time, one half hour at a time if necessary. Even if you just write down basic goals for the day like “keep baby clean and safe and fed” and “eat three meals myself and do two things for myself that count as self-care”. Just keep it simple, wind it back to the bare minimum and most importantly, congratulate yourself for what you might see as ‘small’ achievements. If I can offer one other piece of advice it would be to search for “my postpartum/postnatal depression stories” on YouTube or search for PND here and read other women’s stories. I think it’ll make you feel less alone, less ashamed and more hopeful.

You’ve been so courageous to ask for support, so many end up suffering in silence for longer than necessary because of stigma and shame. I really hope that things start getting easier and easier now. Best of luck with it, and keep us updated! :) xxxxxx

Hi Tiredmoma I saw this article today and thought of you! You may not appreciate the swearing but liked it :). Here’s the relevant paragraph:

“To the woman at the doctors surgery, waiting patiently to request some antidepressants, I salute you.
Post natal depression is a rude little c*%t. You are still coping, do not confuse depression for not coping, you’ve taken action, you look like a coping queen to me Too often strength and weakness are confused, strength is asking for help. You are so strong. So many women are going through the exact same thing, they just don’t talk about it.”

www.babble.com/parenting/constance-hall-viral-facebook-posts/

I hope things are going well xx

Ive had a not a good day (they are non existent atm!) but an ok day today but ive been busy and had plenty of other mummies around me so the horrible little voice was kept quite so of course now as ive had an ok day now im thinking maybe there isnt anything wrong with me maybe im just overthinking it all but ive been here before and thought awk ill get over it and left it but then it got worse again so i know where this can lead

Ive found making lists of things im doing and want to do that day are helping a bit im not overly ambitious and i do start small i.e make the bed and if i dont get all my list done its no biggy. Ive also started colouring in in the evenings while watching tv and its helping me turn off a little and relax.

Im taking each day as it comes however when I think about the doctors on tues the panic sets in i seem to have it im my head when i tell anyone they will say im acting stupid and get over it lol i know the doctor wont (well i hope not!!) but i cant get rid of it!!

I will give it a read thanks! X

Also - have a look at The Positive Planner. My OH bought me one when I was unwell and it was a god send. Each day you document how you're feeling, things you need to do, what you are grateful for and so on. It helped me so much, I would recommend you try it x

@Charlieislovely thank you!!

How you feeling today? X

Not too bad thanks scared for tomorrow though! Had a really bad weekend so i am glad today is a bit better x