Firstly I’m so sorry you’re feeling so utterly horrendous. I’m really shocked that more people haven’t responded to your note, I hope you don’t feel abandoned by that.
I know it’s over a week after you posted but I wanted to say: STEP AWAY FROM THE POTS!!! Seriously. You are doing everything for your baby and it sounds gruelling because it IS gruelling. And because you are feeling low and you’re not getting any reward from anything, everything is 100 tines harder for you right now as your energy and motivation is going to be on the floor. Repeat after me: you are no less of a mother if the housework is not always perfect. You are not a stepford wife robot, you are a woman and a human being and not merely here to complete domestic tasks. So let your house look imperfect for a while. Does your baby care? No. Will anything happen? Nope. The only thing is to avoid conflict if you live with someone and give yourself a sense of accomplishment you may want to start small. When I feel overwhelmed I write down extremely small chunks. So instead of “doing the washing up” it’s “wash one okay” - tick it off. “Bring clothes to bathroom and turn on shower” - tick it off. These ARE achievements when you’re feeling low.
The second thing is, I am so incredibly sorry you’ve had the mix up with the counselling referral. You’ve done the responsible thing and you needed support promptly. It’s cruel. But that’s NHS underfunding and human error for you. Could you call them to explain? They may have had a mixup with your address. Please please just push through the next few steps to get this sorted - if you do nothing else. I know the life is drained from you but it’s so important!! Even with a history of mental health difficulties you don’t have to feel this shitty and more importantly you deserve not to. You really deserve to get the help you need.
But know that this will get better. Read stories of PND online - people recover, they really do. I know it feels like you’ll feel this way forever but it’s possible for things to get better I promise.
And here is the hard advice: you need to see your friends. The more you isolate yourself the worse your depression will get. It’s completely normal when you’re feeling low but it keeps depression going. I know you have a million reasons why you don’t want to, or don’t have the energy to see anyone, but once you reverse this things will start to shift positively. What’s a tiny baby step you could take? Is there anyone you could call and ask to come over for a coffee? You don’t have to feel ready for both the phone call and the coffee, you just need to take the plunge with the call (or the text), then you can work up to being ready for the coffee. Try to be open to the possibility that it may go better than you think, even if you really think it won’t.
I can’t reccommend this book enough as a self-help guide yo help you while you’re waiting for therapy. www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00X7UHTJK/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1&tag=mumsnetforum-21
These are also great to just normalise some of your experiences www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00Q8SR5ME/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1&tag=mumsnetforum-21 and www.amazon.co.uk/Secret-Life-Mothers-Chronicles-sweat/dp/0955458196?tag=mumsnetforum-21.
On a serious note, if you are having thoughts of suicide or harming yourself please reach out. Your situation may feel bleak and inescapable but things can get better with the right support. Please hang in there. If you feel worried about keeping yourself safe call 111, or 116123 (Samaritans - open 24/7, so you can call in the middle of a night feed- they’ll only be bored as that’s their quiet time!). Use helplines- there’s no shame in doing what you can to support yourself through this exceptionally difficult time. And it’s a way to start talking to someone who will listen.
I’m the meantime, please also take tiny baby steps towards self-care and doing the things you once liked, even if you don’t find them pleasurable now (you’ll have to keep persisting with them for a while before you enjoy them again). Could you watch an episode of Friends? Buy yourself a trashy magazine? Buy a cheap face mask in the pharmacy? Fill a basin with warm water and put your feet in it? I know you’ll feel silly or that you can’t or you don’t deserve it or you won’t feel better after it but these three things are crucial: taking steps towards connecting back with others, having a space to talk, and taking steps towards nurturing yourself. You won’t feel better after any of them right away, but you eventually will if you keep trying. What’s the smallest step you could start with?
Again, I can’t say how much I feel for you. You don’t deserve this, and I really, really hope it gets better soon. Please, please take care of yourself. Be kind and gentle with yourself, you’re going through an incredibly awful time and yet you’re still caring for your daughter as best you can and you’re still keeping going full stop. That takes huge commitment and perseverance.
Best of luck with it all xxx