Losing the plot...

[Madrilena81]

I'm not sure if this is where I should post, but it's my first time. Sorry, it's going to be a long one...
I had my little girl a month ago and at first I was a bit shell shocked but fine. But this week I started to feel really lonely and empty. I love my little girl but have started to resent my husband as he can sleep, leave the house and read etc and I am stuck breastfeeding all day and night. I tried to ask him for help and say that I was struggling but he brushed over it saying I would feel better soon. Anyway last night at about 3am LO was screaming and I just lost it. I was so exhausted and angry I just got up and left her with my husband, went to my car and drove around. I phoned him straight away as I suddenly realised how awful I was being. I feel like I'm having a total breakdown and he is angry with me for abandoning our daughter. The feeling of guilt is overwhelming and now I don't know what to do. I feel like a total failure as a mum and like I don't deserve her. Is this normal or am I a monster?

You are definitely not a failure! Don’t ever think that, u are doing great and the way u are feeling Is normal, I felt the same early on when my LB was born in a November, he is 7 weeks old now and I feel totally different, hormones are an utter bitch I’m afraid, I was up and down for ages. I would defo speak to ur midwife/health visitor about how u are feeling it much better to get it out and talk about it. I spoke to both my midwife and HV as I was worried I might get PND as I have suffered with depression in the past and they were really supportive. I also got worried and felt lonely in the first month and didn’t know how I was going to cope but now I’m feeling much better, I’ve also been looking up babies groups just to get out of the house for a bit. Every other day I get out of the house too just for a walk to get some air, it really does help. Sorry but Ur husband needs a swift kick up the ass and told to stop being a dick, he needs to be more supportive and understand ur hormones are up and down for quite some time and that u do need time to adjust, it’s a massive change becoming a mum, Are u bfeeding or bottle feeding? I tried bfeeding but it didn’t work out and made me feel utter crap so we on bottle now and both me and baby feel much better, do u have other family u can speak to about it?

Although I didn't BF I felt exactly like you did, one night I left DS with my husband & drove round for a couple of hours with music on loud to stop myself thinking. I felt like I hadn't any bond with my son, I was a terrible mum, that something that should be a natural instinct wasn't there. I never got that rush of love that most women talk about when I was handed my son for the first time, quite frankly if they had offered to take him away for good I would have let them. I was in shock, I'd spent 60 hours in labour only for it to end in EMCS with myself being extremely ill with pre eclampsia & HELLP syndrome in high dependency having blood transfusions after a pph, I was black & blue from the CS my blood pressure was dangerously high. I hadn't slept for 4 nights, I was terrified as I have a phobia of hospitals. I realise now that I probably had PTSD from the birth, I still have nightmares about it 15 years on, I'm not suggesting you have PTSD, but your life has been turned upside down by this little bundle that depends on you for everything, it will take time to get used to it, don't blame yourself, be kind to yourself like you would be to another mum who was finding it hard. Talk to your midwife or health visitor or your GP, what you are feeling is nothing out of the ordinary, your hormones & sleep deprivation won't be helping you, tell your husband how you feel & tell him what help you need, stop putting yourself under pressure to be supermum, most mum's wing it by the skin of their teeth some of the time.

You are not a failure! And you did not abandon your daughter. She has two parents and you left her with one of them. I agree with other posters. Talk to your GP or HV but above all talk to your husband. Tell him that this is an emotional, exhausting time for you and you need support. I felt like you when my little one was born and I cannot express how much better things got once my husband realised just how hard parenting is for a mother. You must be a team or the resentment does set in. I know exactly how you feel and how hard it is being at home all day with a newborn. I am on maternity leave with my second and first baby is now 3.5 and even now I feel overwhelmed at times when they’re having a bad day but knowing that my husband can come home from work and take over and give me a break keeps me going! The early days are the hardest until a routine develops and you start getting some sleep so it is vital you get as much support as possible from those around you. There is so much pressure now to feel like as the mum you must manage everything effortlessly and be happy all the time and it really isn’t do able all the time or realistic. I was amazed at how much better life got when my husband started helping more and getting involved. I should add that he works 6 days a week and still comes home and helps so working is not an excuse just in case he pulls that one! He regularly tells me full time work is far easier than being at home with the kids! You are doing an amazing job and have in no way failed. You cannot take care of anyone unless you get time for yourself as well. Hope things get better soon! Xx

So are you solely responsible for your child for the next 18 years, and can’t ever leave her with DH or you’ll be accused of “abandoning” her? Leaving your child with their other parent is not abandoning them! He’s just angry because he actually had to look after the baby for a change.

Your DH is a twat. He’s completely ignoring you saying you’re exhausted because that would mean the lazy shit would have to do some parenting instead of sleeping and reading etc. He should be rocking the baby to sleep after you’ve breastfed, taking her out in the pram, looking after her while you take a bath, etc. Yes you’re breastfeeding but it’s not constant. There’s no reason why he can’t have the baby in between.

Thanks so much for the support! I am going to talk to my doctor and possibly go back to therapy. I had some problems with anxiety a few years ago and it really helped. My husband does try to help out and he is usually quite hands on but I think this week he is also feeling stressed as his paternity runs out. But still... I need to get him to help out at key moments more to not get so stressed. The birth was quite traumatic and the epidural didn't work so I was in pain and ended up with a vontuse birth and episiotomy, so my body doesn't really feel like my own yet either. I think we were both expecting the recovery to be quicker. Thanks again for the support, I felt so guilty last night for leaving.