FTM feeling like her body has let her down.

[Magurndy12]

Hi

This is like the first time I’ve posted on here and forgive me I’m not familiar with all the acronyms used...

I’m feeling really really miserable, not just baby blues but as a result of the traumatic birth and after effects.

On New Year’s Eve I had my first child, a little girl, via emergency c-section at 23:48. I had been induced and had laboured for hours until I was finally 10cm, I had been contracting 3/10 for 32 hours and in actual labour for about 20 hours. I ended up getting septic towards the end and my DD was getting distressed so when I was fully dilated they let me push for an hour but she refused to budge. I then was sent off to theatre to have an emergency C-sec as she had also had meconium twice whilst inside me in the last stages of labour. Thankfully she was born at a really healthy 8lb 6oz and she’s doing fine.

I was moved to the postnatal ward and then they removed my catheter and I ended up with severe urinary retention. I also ended up with an ileus where the bowel shuts down, I was also tachycardic with a really high heart rate and had to have a transfusion and was put on a mix of several incredibly strong antibiotics as I was still very septic.

I was in agony and I couldn’t hold my little girl due to the pain and also for fear of infecting her with something nasty. (They didn’t know what the infection was but by process of elimination think it’s amino-chorionitis from being in labour too long).

I am still in hospital with my little girl after a week. I’m also deeply depressed because when my milk came in I couldn’t do anything with it as I was so ill and as a result my milk supply is now almost non existent. I’m lucky if I get 10mls combined every few hours whilst pumping. My little girl also won’t latch on, even the midwife was a bit exasperated by her, she doesn’t really open her mouth fully and then when it’s sort of half in she just falls asleep or goes crazy upset because she’s so hungry.

I feel like my body has really let me down... it failed to progress properly in labour despite being overdue and now I’ve still not been able to breastfeed my baby and my milk is drying up.

Sorry for the long sob story... I’m just looking for advice from other women who also went through a really tough delivery and how they overcame it all...
thanks

Be kind to yourself. Your body has grown this miraculous little person and that is amazing. I was unable to breastfeed my first so I get where you're coming from. My advice would be don t push yourself too hard. Ask for help, they should have a mental health team in the hospital, or be able to point you in the right direction. Ask for a birth debrief too , it often helps to be able to process what has happened.

Be kind to yourself. You have just done something very hard - both physically and emotionally.

Please accept all offers of help from friends and family for as long as you want. Focusing on recovery is the best thing you can do for your little one. Finally, you should know that as long as your baby is fed they will thrive.

My goodness you have had an awful time OP. Don't be so hard on yourself! You have so much to contend with and it is overwhelming. You can only focus on what is immediately in front of you, which is getting better yourself. Don't fret too much about your milk supply. If you need to supplement with formula, so be it. You can keep going with the expressing and hopefully your supply will increase, but your DD will be fine either way.

Hopefully you have a supportive partner and family. Lean on them for as much help as you can while you recover. And congratulations on your lovely new baby btw.

Oh bless you. I do understand. I couldn’t get pregnant naturally and had two rounds of ivf which gave me my twins. I went into spontaneous early labour at 34 weeks and also had an emergency c sec after 18 hours of labour. I also felt like my body let me down. But you made a little person! And she’s fine! Do your best to persevere with the bf’inv but never at the cost of your own mental state. This is exactly why formula was invented, don’t ever feel bad for using it. You’ll be home soon and it’ll all feel so much better. So sorry for all you’ve been through.

Thank you for your responses everyone. My partner has been amazing through this, he’s had to look after the both of us and thankfully the hospital let him stay with us all the time. I’m of course so happy and amazed how my body has grown this very lovely little person... but yeah I shall communicate how I’m feeling with midwives/health visitor in the hope for support. My partner and I were both bottle fed babies and we are good but I guess there is so much stigma round it now...

There really isn't any stigma around bottle feeding and the vast majority of babies are bottle fed so don't worry about other people might think. It's still early days with the feeding but you can only do what you can. Focus on recovering, keep talking and be kind to yourself.

I've had two crappy long labours and ended up in theatre with both and it's a really difficult time with lots of mixed emotions but you will feel better about it all with time.

Congrats on your DD

That sounds exhausting. I can’t help with birth aspect (had elective c section no complications) but my daughter didn’t like latching either at first, then it was really painful. Some of the midwives were nice and helpful some were awful, I got conflicting advice from everyone. Community midwives at home came at random times so not necessarily when baby was feeding so I could show them the problem and they could only stay for for 5 mins before running out the door. I paid for a private lactation consultant. It was so nice and stress free, she came to my house 8 days after my baby was born and stayed for about 6 hours. there was no rush she saw my daughter feed several times, gave me loads of advice and encouragement and made tweaks and showed me different positions better for my back. We actually bathed my baby together and she showed me how to tie a stretch sling too. It was definitely worth the money I think it was £100 and that included unlimited follow up calls and emails. I have never bought any formula (breastfeeding still almost 15 months later). She offered discounts and interest free payment by instalments too. She was a former midwife and feeding adviser at my city’s maternity hospital. Perhaps you can have a search in your area - look for an “IBLC”. And remember the golden rule of breastfeeding: pumping is no indication of your supply. Babies are much more efficient at extracting milk (when they can be arsed latching!) than a pump. Loads of women successfully bf for years and get little or nothing from pumping. And even if your milk supply dries up altogether I understand you can relactate i.e. induce it to start again so all is not lost. Your local peer breastfeeding group and the website Kelly Mom are really great sources of info and support.

Finally, this may all sound like a lot of effort when you’re shattered. don’t use feeding as another stick to beat yourself with. Being a mum is hard, cut yourself a bit of slack. Congratulations on your daughter.

Thissameearth, that sounds pretty interesting actually and I didn’t know about the pumping not actually working for everyone. I will persevere but not take it too hard on myself, I guess I’m just overwhelmed by everything that has happened as well as juggling life with a newborn.

Try nipple shields if you haven't already. It made a massive difference to dd and her rubbish latch.

With my 1st I got to 10 cms after a long dysfunctional labour, ds wasn't properly on the cervix and so my body was essentially pulling itself apart without even help from his head. I pushed, they tried forceps and eventually he was born by emcs. I was fine physically despite a very long labour but the circumstances of my emcs had triggered a previous trauma and that coupled with his NICU stay (due to my waters being broken for 81 hours) sent me over the edge. It took me a long time to come to terms with my feelings of failure and guilt. I think it's "normal" in the circumstances to feel that way.

Have a look at the Birth Trauma Association's closed facebook page, their support really helped me in the early days as did the knowledge that I wasn't alone in not finding birth to be this amazing fluffy experience. I also had a debrief with a midwifery supervisor a few months in which answered a few questions I had as to what went wrong and why.

Does your hospital have an infant feeding team who could help you? They would likely have more time than a midwife to spend working on the latch etc with you?

Congratulations on your new baby. And sorry you’ve had a tough time.

Just to say, i was unable to bf my dd due to tounge tie and inverted nipples.
I put so much pressure on myself for 7 weeks to bf her that it made me so miserable I had early signs of pnd. Sounds dramatic, but it was truly the worst time of my life. I didn’t stop crying for weeks. I didn’t even like my baby at one point. I regret all of that now.

We moved to formula and it was like a switch.

Keep trying if you want to, but please don’t put pressure on yourself, it is hard enough as it is being a new mum.

I totally agree with using nipple shields. I used them with both my daughters (first daughter for 4 months and second daughter for 10 days) and they made latching so much easier. I also nearly lost my supply with my first DD at 4 weeks as she was admitted to hospital with a nasty virus. She barely fed for nearly a week and despite me trying to pump, my supply nearly dried up. My Mum actually suggested holding her to the breast and allow her to try to latch even if she wasn't interested in feeding much. I did this very regularly for a few days and my supply gradually built up. I continued to feed until 14 months quite happily. I think what you've come through in the last week is incredible! For your body to support your baby through such a difficult labour is nothing short of a miracle. However you and your baby decide to feed, don't put too much pressure on yourself. These early few weeks fly by so try to relax and enjoy as much as you can (easier said than done I know). Best wishes for a speedy recovery for both of you x

Thanks. I’ll have a look at nipple shields. Last night I could feel severe anxiety kicking in when we finally got home. The fact that every time I pump I’m getting less and less milk is disheartening, just bare 1-2 mls each side... I spent a lot of the time crying and feeling like she’s not going to bond with me. My OH has been doing everything amazingly especially as I couldn’t and I feel like I’m never going to bond on the level they are. But I’m kind of thinking although I know it’s early that the pressure of breastfeeding on top of what has happened and how I’m still limited in what I can do for her may be too much for me to handle and that moving to formula may just be one less pressure to worry about...