Hello,
I’ve got myself in a real psychological pickle since having my first baby ten weeks ago, and it would be lovely to hear from anyone who has similar stories, with positive outcomes!
After an emergency c section and my baby taken to SCBU for 8 days, I developed PND. I became irrationally convinced that the baby wasn’t mine, he may have been swapped in the hospital, and felt utterly disconnected with him. As time went on this became general disconnection with the world and I was diagnosed and started treatment for PND. Things started escalating and I began having intrusive thoughts linked to my perceived lack of bond with my son- eg would I even care if he stopped breathing in his car seat? He could fall out of his bath seat and would I grab him to stop him drowning? It became unbearable and I began to feel suicidal. The tipping point came one morning when I was feeding him in bed and started thinking, would I care if he fell under the duvet? I even made myself put a finger on his nose - in a warped way it sort of felt like I was testing my own bond with him. I was horrified at my own mind and called the police telling them I was having thoughts of harming my own baby.
After this, I was taken to the mental health crisis team in a and e, and referred on to the perinatal mental health team. They let me stay as an outpatient under the close watch of a psychiatrist, and since seeing her I have been diagnosed with ocd with intrusive thoughts, which all revolved around my worries about bonding with my child. The cycle of worrying and pain and not bonding seems never ending. I’ve been prescribed more meds and starting on intensive CBT so I have all the clinical support I need. But I feel at the bottom of a dark pit. I desperately want to feel love for my son, and to not screw up his whole life by my inability to feel anything for him. Can anyone offer me hope?