Postnatal

[Rebecca2089]

Hey Everyone.

I've got a 6 month old little girl and I am still experiencing feelings of what I feel could be PND. I have been to the doctors and they've put me on tablets (low dose) however they didn't really do much to understand or access so felt it might help to hear from others.

My birth was very different to how I envisioned (how niave) I ended up having a C section, which I was terrified of having. It wasnt the water birth I'd hoped for.

After the birth I definitely felt as though something wasn't right. I preferred to be around others, needed space, felt tearful, irritable, regretful almost etc ... Shortly after I was giving the tablets.

6 months in I do feel much better from where I started, although I don't think I experience feelings of overwhelming love and I don't feel the same as I see others feeling with their babies. I've also been able to have the odd night away from my little one and not necessarily feel sad or struggle to do so like many around me do.

On a daily basis I am managing and I know I really care about her and do what I should to make sure she's happy and perfectly looked after, but sometimes it feels like a lot to do and I don't know if I fully take pleasure from it all.

It's really difficult to be so honest about this...

Hi there,

I posted a few days ago- my thread is not far below yours- as I too am struggling. I just wanted you to know that you’re not alone. This is my second baby and I also went through this with my first who is now 3.5 years old. To reassure you, I also had nights away from my DD and it didn’t worry me at all- in fact I was positively relieved to have a break. I don’t think that means there is something wrong with you or that you don’t love them. You’re still a person in your own right, not just a mum. I didn’t start to really enjoy my maternity leave the first time until she was around 8 months old. But it did come.

I am only 3weeks pp this time and I have been on medication for 10 days. I’m praying they start to work soon and quieten down these negative, racing thoughts. Much like you, I struggle being on my own with the baby. It just feels so overwhelming and relentless. My DH works long days. I’ve done a lot of ‘camping out’ at my mums or the MIL’s house.

I hope it gets better for both of us. I know how you feel xxx

Thank you so much for replying. Will check out your previous post out too!

It's reassuring to know I'm not the only one feeling like this! And nice to hear other people's honest feelings about this too. Do you now feel better about the relationship with your first?

Xx

Yes, I have a great relationship with my first and love her to bits. Once their little personality comes through and they start to interact a lot more, things change. It did take me a long time to bond with her though. However, that came a lot easier when I got my mental health sorted.

It’s a very difficult time, but I came through it and (in my more positive moments) I know I’ll come through this too. However, I’m definitely having no more babies! Xx

Thank you so so much! I've had a read of your previous thread. Managed to find it.

As you've already had a baby and done this again I think that's incredible in itself. Like you said, you get through it.

I hope you feel better and feelings start to improve - mine too! X

Here if you ever fancy a chat or a vent. I think it’s a case of good days and bad days until you’re well xx

I feel this way about my kids sometimes

I love them so much but OMG motherhood is hard. It's relentless and thankless and there's always someone out mummy-Ing you.

I'm reading the unmumsy mum at the moment and it nearly bought me to tears (I never cry) because it was just there in black and white.

This is f-ing hard. We don't always feel how we are "meant" to. Sometimes we'd murder someone for a lie in or a drunken night out or God damned dinner in peace!

Or a bath in peace or whatever...

I am not a warm and cuddly mumsy mum I don't bake or make play dough or do any of the shit I thought mothering was about

But I take them to the dentist and give them calpol when they spike a fever wash them and feed them brush their teeth button their coats remember the sudocream and plasters and make it through the day.

& sometimes their are moments of joy. Usually short lived like a peaceful cuddle followed by a monster tantrum.

I don't look at them constantly in wonder sometimes I look at them with frustration at the mess or another bloody spilt drink or whatever. But always I love them. My love might not be the teary eyes and treasured moments kind, but it is honest and relentless in the face of snot, and screaming, and poo.

Thanks so much for replying to this. And again, it's refreshing to hear so much honesty. It's SO hard! And totally life changing and that's often really dawnting x

@Rebecca2089

I get some prenatal and some postnatal depression but I don't really call it that (as don't professionals) as I have an ongoing problem with depression anyway.

All I do know is that that first bit is the hardest. They're clingy and you're still recovering mentally and physically from the birth, and your still trying to hold onto some semblance of what life was like before (or feeling shocked at the change).

It does get better. & then you forget all the bad bits and end up having another one if your anything like me!

There's no shame in taking ADs and asking for help. I don't know how I'd have got through it all without a decent psychiatrist and some (private but affordable) counselling from a wonderful counsellor.

Please don't struggle alone. Just saying it out loud to someone else can be so helpful. I struggled with that IRL but found the Internet a wonderful source of support where people are unshackled from the conventions of "oh my precious" and instead can say "holy cow what the hell has happened to my body/life/house/mind etc."

Hey all! How is everyone getting on?

I've struggled today again! Some days are much easier than others. Today I've felt it's been hard to connect with my little one and I guess have as much patience as I usually do. I then get Mom guilt.

It's odd because I get so sentimental when I think about how fast time is going but looking back it feels like a haze and a blury time.

Hi Rebecca,
I just read your post and while I don’t have any words of coming through the other side of it, I am in a similar boat to you. My baby was born two months ago and I was diagnosed very quickly with PND after a horrible emergency section, and he was in SCBU for a while after that. I’ve been taking ADs for a few weeks now and while they’ve definitely lifted my mood, I don’t feel that overwhelming love for my baby, which is such a horrible thing to admit. But it helps knowing that I’m not the only one and that it’s a lot to do with the illness. Have you tried CBT? I’ve just started that, and am hoping it will help with the bonding, as well as the guilt about bonding...