Post-natal depression- feeling hopeless...

[RD15]

Hi all,

I’m 3 weeks post-partum and have been diagnosed with post-natal depression and anxiety. I have to go to the doctors weekly and I’m on citalopram and propanol for the physical symptoms of the anxiety. I’m feeling so hopeless and that it’s not going to get better. Every day I wake up with knots in my stomach, heart racing, tears and anxious. It’s crippling. All day I’m consumed with negative thoughts- that my husband will get sick of me a leave, that I’m failing my children. I also have a 3.5 DD and I know that she has picked up on my mood. I’m just going through the motions- I rarely interact with my baby other than the care giving. I watch other family members talk to the baby and wonder why I can’t do it.

I’m not even sure why I’m posting on here or what I’m hoping to achieve. Perhaps some reassurance that I won’t be in this hole forever. I’m so scared that I’ll never feel like me again xx

Hi OP, I just had to reply to your post. I too had PND but it took 3 months for me to go to the doctor about it. I had had a stillbirth 18 months earlier and I was convinced that:

My baby was going to die
My baby hated me
My baby was abnormal
My baby was struggling to breathe
My life was over
I hated everyone including my new baby
I loved my baby too much (always went from one extreme to another)

I was walking with my baby in the pram once and I wanted to throw myself in front of a bus just so I could go to hospital and get some respite from my baby and my life. Another day I took her for a walk and I sat on a bench in a park and imagined what it would feel like to just walk away. Thankfully I didn't do any of these things, they were just thoughts.

I wrote everything down and took it to my GP who was fantastic. She put me on Citalopram and saw me every couple of weeks. I started going to the local children's centre and did a little baby sensory course which honestly saved my life because it gave me something to look forward to every week. I loved going somewhere and talking to people. I was so lonely during the day otherwise.

I also made up a daily routine which included a walk at about 3pm ever day, come rain or shine. It broke up the day and I got fresh air and exercise.

No I didn't bond with my baby for the best part of a year, but I took care of her needs. As long as the baby is getting held by someone, it doesn't have to be the mother, it can be grandparents or your partner.

My DD is 2 now and she is amazing. I love her to bits and we have a great relationship. I can talk to her more now and we constantly cuddle and kiss each other. I feel able to give her all the love I didn't give when she was a baby. She doesn't remember any of that of course.

Things will get better for you. PND does go away, but you have to keep up with the ADs and get plenty of rest whenever you are able to. When baby is asleep, get your feet up, have a nap, or just have a cuppa and relax. Be gentle on yourself. I am happy to chat with you if you wish X

@Quarky thank you so much for your reply. I’m really sorry to hear about your loss- that must have been incredible difficult.

I can identify with a lot of the things you have said above. I’m just finding it so difficult having sole responsibility for him for most of the day until DH gets in so so hard when I’m struggling to function. Especially first thing in the morning when the anxiety is at its worst.

People keep reassuring me that this is temporary, and I know they’re right, but i don’t feel it. The rational part of my brain isn’t winning any battles at the moment. Sometimes I catch myself wishing I hadn’t had another baby as I feel like my whole life has just imploded and the three of us were ticking along quite nicely before. How disgustingly awful is that? I couldn’t admit that to anyone.

Thank you so much for sharing your experience xx

It's so hard when you feel like that, I fully sympathise. It feels like no one else in the world understands what you're going through, but those that have been there do understand.

What also helped me was daily texts to another mum who had experienced PND, they were definitely a lifeline.

I read a Facebook meme once that basically said when you're down a hole with depression, instead of people just standing at the top throwing metaphorical ropes down to you, you need another person to come down the hole with you and help you to get out. X

I think that is a good analogy. I feel like I’m constantly saying the same things to DH but the problem is that at the minute, nothing anyone says is getting through to me. I just wish I could flick a switch and it would all stop.

Today has been a tough day xx

I feel for you it was like reading my feelings when I had my DD1. The medication will take time to kick in. I found having a routine did help me even to writing down menus for 2 weeks, so I didn’t have to think about it. I used to make myself go out everyday for a walk. I jumped at every offer of help but strangely couldn’t ask for it. Hugs

Firstly, congratulations on your new baby! Secondly, well done for getting help so quickly, you’re doing brilliantly.

I’ve only just acknowledged I have pnd (my DTs are 9 months old) and have been taking ads for just under a month now, and have doubled my dose to try to silence my anxiety. If this doesn’t work, my dr has suggested the next step is beta blockers.

You won’t be in this hole forever. It will get better, I promise.

I was taking care of the babies, but wasn’t interacting properly with them, I felt like they were completely indifferent to me, and it took me 3 months to even feel like I was their mother. I’d never have done it, but I used to think about just walking out and disappearing, and like a pp that something would happen to me so I could go to hospital and just get away from it. I second guessed every decision I made, and was overwhelmed with feelings of being an inadequate mother, and feeling sorry for my kids having such a shit mum who just couldn’t get “it” (whatever it is!).

I’m lucky, because the ads have worked quickly for me, and I’m feeling a lot more confident and relaxed. I’m starting to feel joy about seeing and being with the kids, less overwhelmed and and more in control. I’m waiting to start a self confidence course, and am finally beginning to feel happy, and looking forward to the future.

I know there’s a long way to go for me, and this is only the beginning to getting back to ‘normal’. I just wanted to let you know you’re not alone, and I think you’ve done brilliantly seeking help, and not ignoring it like I did. Take care of yourself, and if you want to chat I’m happy to do so 💐

Thank you for the replies. It’s actually really comforting getting that reassurance that things will improve. It’s just very hard to be patient, even though I know from experience that any improvement will be gradual. I’ve had lots of paranoid thoughts today about my relationship with DH and that he is fed up with me. I think I’m over thinking things all of the time and reading too much into things. I miss being self-assures and confident and I hate myself for being needy. I feel like a shadow of myself. Hopefully in another week or two the medication will have started to have some effect xx

Sorry to jump on but reading your post has rang a few bells for me too ive had these feelings and looking back to some of the things you've said ive had then a while but never thought anything of it like wanting to walk away and leave baby i think dd was 7 weeks old and i was out with her and took her to change her and feed and while i as sitting there it popped into my head i could put you in your pram and walk out of here and leave you and no one would stop me i didn't!! (Didn't fancy the aftermath!) sorry dont really know what im trying to say

Hello- just wanted to give you a few words of encouragement. I was diagnosed with severe PND at 3 weeks post partum, and am now 8 weeks down the line. When I first saw the doctor I was suicidal, not bonding with my baby, the lowest I’ve ever felt. I was prescribed ADs and sent to therapy. At first (for around 3 weeks) I felt worse, and wondered if I would ever be able to feel happy again. But gradually over the past fortnight, I’ve had more and more positive days, and moments of genuine happiness that I have my baby, and that things will get better. Hold on, and with treatment you will feel yourself again x

Hi everyone.
I suppose I'm writing on here just to get some reassurance and to talk to others who may understand what I'm going through.
My LO is 5 months old, born 6 weeks early. We had a tough start with bf, possible allergys, reflux etc etc and felt like a contious battle. He is quite a needy baby, doesn't self soothe and constantly needs attention and to be picked up, not that I mind but now my anxiety has reared its head I'm struggling.

I feel like each day is like ground hog day, and don't look forward to it. LO wakes at 4:30am every morning making noises which wakes me and then I can't get back off to sleep as my anxiety kicks in. My days feel so long. I spend most days with others and get out of the house but still feel so alone most of the time. My partner listens to me but doesn't understand.

I have bitten the bullet and made a gp appt for tomorrow as can recognise I'm not coping well. I'm worried about how tired I am, that I'm interested in anything, my appetite isn't great.

I'm just wanting some reassurance that it gets easier and I'll be ok. I've always suffered from anxiety but it seems like it is much worse now I'm a mum

Thanks xxx

@Belmanlady massive hugs!! No advice here apart from could you get someone to look after baby for a few hours till you get some sleep? Hope all goes well at the gp!!

Hi everyone and @Belmanlady,

I just thought I’d send an update. I’ve now been on citalopram for almost 3 weeks and I am feeling much better than I was. Also, I think the slow release beta-blockers have really helped with the morning anxiety- I’m not waking up with awful knots in my tummy anymore which is just awful. I know I’m not 100%, but feeling much more positive that I’m not going to feel this way forever as the days are much more manageable and I don’t have that feeling of dread.

@Belmanlady, well done for making a GP appointment- I think that will really help. Massive hugs- the anxiety in the morning is just the worst! It’s a horrible feeling. When mine was bad I dreaded going to bed knowing that I would feel that way in the morning. Good luck and let us know how you get on xx

RD15, I too had post natal depression and it was awful so can thoroughly empathise with you. Though I wasn't alone I felt totally isolated and useless.

I'm glad you are feeling somewhat better and assure you it will pass. Accept all the help you are offered.

@RD15
So I have been to the gp, she was lovely and totally understanding. As I work in health she knew I am not keen to take medication but suggested drug therapy alongside counselling. I am going to try both and hopefully I will be feeling a little brighter in a few weeks.

The sleep deprivation is definitely the main issue and impacts my mood massively so praying LO sleeps through soon xx

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