Feeling cross with baby

[isthisnormal1001]

Hello

I've name changed for this. Please be gentle as I am writing this in tears at 2am in the morning having barely slept for 24 hours.

I have baby who is 15 weeks old. I have a history of mental health problems (OCD, anxiety and depression) which I have been medicated for in the past when I started having suicidal ideations.

I should start by saying I love my baby very much, but he is a very very poor sleeper and because of that, some of the time I don't like him very much. I feel so awful even writing that.

The problem is I can't tell whether the way I am feeling is to some extent just a normal part of being a mother or whether it's something I need to do something about. Is it normal to feel incredibly frustrated and resentful towards your baby when he/she doesn't sleep at night? Yesterday he was up from 0330-0930am, just refusing to sleep. Tonight he went down at 1900-2200 and has fed 2 times since then but has woken up around 4 times and needed re-settling. It is quite normal for him to go 6-8 hours during the day without napping. He is clearly tired but fights sleep and when he does eventually sleep, it is only for very short periods of time. I am breastfeeding him with an occasional bottle of EBM or formula just so I can have a break. I feel so incredibly guilty for how I feel, especially because my husband seems to have endless patience with him. I want to be the best mother I can be to him and I feel like he deserves so much better than me as surely it's not normal for his mother to feel so negatively towards him when what he is doing is just normal baby behaviour and obviously not his fault.

I should add that there are many times when I feel intense feelings of love and joy towards him so it's not like these feelings are there all the time, it's only when I am feeling very tired and if I've been looking after him alone all day (husband out 7am-6pm).

Would appreciate any advice. Thanks.

I haven't had the issues you're having with my baby sleeping and she's my first baby, she's almost 6 months old but here's my 2 cents..
I would absolutely be feeling the same way if I was only getting the tiny amount of sleep you're getting!! There's times my little one gets into a crying fit over nothing and I find myself looking at her thinking "you're being ridiculous" but in a nasty kind of way! And feeling angry towards her because she's been screaming for a while.. you learn to deal with it. Or at least for those type things I have anyway..
Do you find he sleeps any better when you give him a bottle of formula? I breast fed for 3 months but I always gave my daughter a bottle of formula before bed and this seemed to knock her out for the night! I've friends who have found the same to work for them? Might be worth a shot!
What about a bath before bed? Some mums swear by it! I know my baby is out like a light after she's had a bath!
Anyway, you're doing absolutely great by the sounds of things! Coping with so little sleep! I take my imaginary hat off to you!! Also you're not alone at 2am in tears! There's always a mum somewhere in the same boat. Hope some of this babbling helps 😆 best of luck x

Approx at 4 months you get the massive sleep regression and it's hideous. It does pass like most baby stages but it can be brutal. Maybe just see if you can have a wee chat with the health visitor about how you're feeling? Do you have a support network? Other Mums with babies the same age? Family that can take him during the day so you can have a break?

I've been there too with mine - I had to get DH to REALLY take over for chunks of one to get decent sleep so I'd go to bed about 7-8pm and he's sort out feeds and settling down til about 1am then they usually slept til 2-4am and that did the trick for me. You just need some quality sleep, it's also hard going from person to person with a completely dependent co-person ... literally all the time - it's really tough but it honestly does get better. Soon your baby will start properly interacting and getting fun!

My first child literally slept midnight to 3-4am til she was about 14 weeks, then overnight she changed to sleeping through 13 hours sometimes without waking!! It was a fabulous few months! It did get a bit crappy again but never the same as the first 3-4 months!
I remember I used to look at her and cry saying out loud to myself I wanted you so much and I love you so much ... because I had to keep reminding myself about the multiplex miscarriages and years of trying to get her ..
Take home message : IT DOES GET BETTER!! I promise you ... but get support and good chunks of sleep

I totally feel your pain. In tears here too. Baby is 7months. Teething and will not go down. I've not been to sleep yet this evening.
I've had/have a tough time mentally too and the lack of sleep, hormones and every single other thing that comes along with baby does make it feel worse. Definitely speak to someone if you feel you need to though. There are some lovely mum and baby groups too that have helped me realise it's not just me that feels like it's so hard. Sending you lots of luck that this phase passes quickly for you and your little one.

Oh honey, don't feel guilty. You're having a hard time and you're functioning on terrible sleep. Be kind to your self.

I don't think there is a mother among us who 'likes' their child all the time. I love my son more than anything but during his 4 month sleep regression I remember calling him the C-word (a word I hate and haven't used before or since). Your brain changes when it's not getting enough sleep.

Don't feel bad about EBM or the odd bit of formula- do what you need to do to survive.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply. As much as it's shit that others have been through or are going through the same, it is helpful and reassuring to know that I am not alone.

To answer a few questions, a bottle of formula seems to make zero difference to his sleep. I tried it in the first place to see if it would result in him sleeping for a longer stretch but sadly not.

I introduced a very lose bedtime routine this week starting around 6pm of some quiet time, a bath, into pjs and sleeping bag and a big feed in the dark before putting him down in his crib in our room. He tends to need re-settling a couple of times but will do his longest stretch of sleep here of 3-4 hours. I tend to go to bed in the spare room around 9/10pm and my husband will give him a bottle when he next wakes meaning I get a stretch of sleep until around 2/3am. But we don't do this every night as I feel guilty doing so when my husband has to go to work each day in a stressful job.

I am going to lots of different baby groups...I really force myself to get out and about however tired I am because staying cooped up drives me mad. But I sometimes find the groups more stressful as everyone seems to talk about how well their baby sleeps and what routine works for them. It kind of just makes me feel more inadequate because my baby is nothing like that.

I am aware that the 4 month sleep regression is looming although I'm not sure how he can regress from this. Can it happen a bit earlier that 4 months exactly as he is still a couple of weeks from the 4 month mark?

My health visitor is coming today so I will discuss with her. I'm just worried she will try and suggest going back on medication which I really don't want to do.

Thank you again everyone

OP, is he doing two stretches of 3-4 hours? If so that's really not bad, but those two stretches need to be when you're asleep too! Have you tried not putting him down to sleep properly until you go to bed? If he did the same thing but from 10pm you'd get from 10-6ish with only one wake up in the middle! I know that's not what babies are 'supposed' to do according to the books but if it works then so what! This is what I do with DS (similar age) and I find it works quite well. He just catnaps a couple of times in the early evening and then goes to bed when I do at 10pm.

The 4 month sleep regression is NOT inevitable. I see it all the time on here. I don't know anyone in RL who has actually 'suffered' from this. I'm not saying it doesn't happen but its not a fait accompli!
I have two children. Number 1 was a shit sleeper. Awful all the way through (never slept through until 2 years)
Number 2. Slept well from birth. Slept 11 - 7 from 3 weeks.
However even with crappy sleeping child number one we did get quite a lot of (broken) sleep from around 6 months. It will get better.
You are exhausted. I was exhausted too and I did not feel favourably towards my son in the early months. It will get better.

@isthisnormal1001 My best advice to you is to go to bed as soon as possible after you first put the baby down. That's your best chance for a decent stretch of sleep. It absolutely sucks to be a grown woman going to bed at 7pm, but seriously try it for a week and see if your mental health isn't better for it. Even if you don't sleep right away, just lie there and rest, knowing your body is being replenished.

This won't last forever (tell your partner that if he sulks when you go to bed instead of staying up with him). Babies change very quickly, in a fortnight you might have the best sleeping baby in town. Take it one week at a time

Sometimes he will do a stretch of 3-4 hours and then another of 2-3 hours but for the most part he feeds 2 hourly overnight following the longer stretch. Or if he doesn't feed he wakes up and needs re-settling. He just seems to be a very light sleeper. Last night he was up every hour so I've basically had no sleep. And this morning he has had one 30 minute nap.

I will try going to bed when he does and see if that helps. Luckily my husband is fantastic and extremely supportive. He would do anything to help me out. It's more that I want to see him on an evening as that's our only time together. But I agree something has got to give.

Oh and I forgot to say, because of the fact he doesn't have decent naps during the day there is no way I could keep him up to 10pm at the moment, he is usually exhausted by 6pm and ready to sleep.

I'm going to try and work on improving his naps but I'm not sure how to make him sleep longer than 30-40 minutes. He has a dummy and white noise but it seems as soon as his sleep cycle naturally ends, that's it, he's awake. Occasionally he will sleep for longer but that's when he is in my arms.

My first dc slept well and I still had moments where I felt so exhausted by night feeds I would cry with frustration. My second dc didn't sleep through the night until 3 years old and I felt exactly like you do. It was awful and I always felt guilty for not liking her very much sometimes. So I think it's perfectly normal to feel like you do. Sleep deprivation is hard.

My DS is exactly the same, I think that's very normal at this age (although I'm sure that doesn't make you feel any better!) He never naps for more than 45 minutes and usually shorter. I tried patting him to extend the naps but it didn't work so I just gave up! He still does the short naps right up until bedtime though so he is doing the same as your DS but just with the time shifted a bit!

Could you try rousing him between 7 and 10, maybe just change his nappy, to break the longer sleep cycle and see if he will then do that longer stretch a bit later?

If he's sleeping early evening then going into bed and get your DH to do the late evening feed and settle so you get sleep.

I've never experienced this 4 monthnsleep regression so don't use that to worry yourself, it's transient and it'll be ok soon enough ... my current problem is trying to get my 6 year old to sleep in his bed and not ours (but he's so lovely and snuggly I am not trying too hard!) and get my DD who is 10 to stop being a flipping owl and get to sleep ... sometimes she is awake still at 11-12pm 😵😵😵

I can't offer any advice as I'm in the same situation with my 7 month old and have been for months :( it may help to know you're not alone. I also have a 3 yr old and feel like a shit mum to him at the mo as I'm not coping at all. Sending hugs. There is a four month regression which could be your problem....in which case it won't last. Sorry can't be of more help but am in the depths of it too x

You sound tired and at the end of your tether. It's really tough with a baby or young child that doesn't sleep. Two out of my three have been bad sleepers, it's really aged me. I would rather go without food or drink than sleep! If your dh has so much patience with the baby can you let him have him while you catch up on sleep? Feed baby first, he will be ok for a few hours at least.

This stage is soooo hard, I feel for you. I was exactly the same. The only things I can offer advice wise are things I did, which isn't for everybody but it helped:

Blackout blinds, so dark it was like a cave
White noise, a radio turned to fuzz or a machine, or app.
A sleep bag
Tucked in really tight so they can't move all over the place
Gina Ford sleep routine.
Switched to formula completely so I could have a break/early night.
No toddler groups they made me feel worse.

I was nearly suicidal after DS was born and I have never suffered with mental health.

Do whatever you need to feel better, do not be bullied to do things a certain way. Do whatever you need, you are not a carbon copy of other mums, you are you.

On the up side, it gets easier, I promise. I now am absolutely besotted with my 5 year old, he makes me so happy, eats well, sleeps well, cracks me up and is the most amazing child I could ever wish for.

But personally I think babies are bloody horrible!! I know some people love them, but erghhhh no way. And never again! You also don't need to churn out more if one is challenging.

Keep posting, we will all offer help.

How are you doing, OP?

My baby was a terrible sleeper in the early months, and therefore "4 month sleep regression" never happened (I remember thinking, there's nothing to regress from!) - so don't worry about that. It did get massively better at 5 months.

Thinking of you. (I'm another in the "Babies are bloody horrible" camp!)

If you need to, talk to your GP and get help. It does sound as if you're having a particularly rough time

My son was this. It bloody nearly killed me emotionally. I eventually decided to take the bull by the horns and get some control over the situation - I put all my effort into a proper routine to get him napping. Look up Little Ones; that routine saved my life no joke. Once the naps started the night time slotted into place. Hang in there, you're doing great honestly. This parenting stuff is bloody hard work! I know people say that but you just don't truly get how hard until it's you!

I'm also another person who discovered babies just aren't my thang! I absolutely 100% adore my darling toddler though who is the funniest little person ever!

I'm here with you! Baby is 6 months and has yet to sleep longer than 3 hours at a time. It's brutal.

He's teething and has a horrid cold too at the moment. And we are trying to wean him off his swaddle. Fml.

Give it a few years. When they're teenagers.. we will get our revenge! MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAAA.

excuse my sleep deprived brain

In all seriousness. Something that helped me not feel so resentful was when someone said that he's not waking on purpose. He's a baby. Babies wake in the night. It's what they do. It's normal for a baby to do this. It's not to try and break you. It's because they're a baby.

I breast fed my son till he was a month old, I then had to out him to formula due to him not putting weight on and me not producing enough.
He would constantly be hungry during the night and the day when I was Bf but.now ff he usually feeds every 4 hours. So 3 hours isn't so bad.
He now sleeps from 930ish to 6am and he's only 6 Weeks, mind you he can have the odd day where he doesn't hlnap and is up for 12 hours but formula defo helped us.
Have you tried Johnstons night time bubble bath? That seems to tire my many out xx