Is it PND? Am I normal?

[anothermadeupname]

NC for this.

I'm so sorry this is long...

Had my first DC 6 months ago, premature and the first 4 months were in all honesty an absolute nightmare. Brief summary of issues:

• Baby never slept (maybe 30-60 minutes at a time overnight, no more than an hour here and there during the day)
• Severe colic for first 4 mths with non stop inconsolable crying for up to 6-7 hours a day
• Multiple other health issues requiring medication and lots of stress

I feel like I managed to get through this stage by getting out almost everyday, napping when I could and seeing friends and family regularly. People who knew what we were going through remarked it was a miracle I didn't end up with PND. I thought so too as apart from exhaustion and several justifiable wobbly moments I generally still felt good and love DC so much.

Fast forward and DC still doesn't sleep that well (although lots better). Colic is gone and although medical issues are ongoing it is v manageable. DC is good fun and starting to laugh and generally 'give back' a lot. I love this and enjoy more of our time together than at the beginning. However I do feel sad and weepy today (occasionally the last week or so too). I have help at home from DH however I still feel no one truly understands how difficult a baby we have on our hands and I deal with 90% of that being on mat leave. I just feel like I am doing things wrong and that's why baby doesn't sleep properly and I feel guilty for all the crying and pain baby has been through so far from medical issues and the colic.

I want to know am I normal to feel this upset and almost angry that no one understands? Is it possible to have PND start this late? People comment to me things like oh you'll forget the tough stuff down the line... I don't think I can or will ever forget this - it has been a complete nightmare a lot of the time.

Admittedly I also am still struggling to 'get over' the premature birth. I don't know how to describe it but it was unexpected, caused (and exacerbated) a lot of the health issues DC has had and v selfishly I never got any of my mat leave before baby was here and I was so looking forward to it.

So sorry this is long. I'm just weepy today and not even DH seems to understand how I'm feeling or why the birth could still bothering me. People tell me that's just the baby I was given and accept it all. Not sure how I feel better about it though.

Anyone?

I don’t think anyone can definitively say whether you have PND or not, but I’d say what you’re feeling is totally normal and understandable given that nothing about your entry into motherhood has been “normal” or easy. I think you’d have to be some sort of robot not to feel traumatised over a premature birth and a high needs baby. So, it’s totally OK to feel weepy and angry and cheated out of a smoother, easier ride of things.

I don’t think it’s helpful to say “so what, you have a “difficult” baby? Deal with it”. That’s just heartless IMO.

You could pursue counselling if you feel like that might help you (it was offered to me once and I just said a flat “no” ) because you should never underestimate how profoundly trauma can affect you.

As for whether you forget things over time - yes and no. I too had a difficult start as a mother for different reasons, and it honestly took over a year before I found myself not lying in bed at night reliving the horrible things that had happened. Seven years on it really is a dim memory.

Oh honey, you've been through some stuff, no wonder you're feeling rough. I do know people who've been diagnosed with pnd after several months, so it's 100% worth telling your GP or HV how you feel and getting some help asap. I suspect you've not properly come to terms with everything yet because you've been so busy just getting through each day. It would prob help to talk through all that's happened with someone, just to get some closure and be able to move on. xx

Wow - you've been through/ are going through a really tough time. From an outside point of view, perhaps you would find it even a relief to accept that any feelings you have are valid. You didn't get maternity leave as you'd hoped - yeah that does suck! Your baby hasn't been well and you haven't been sleeping - that's objectively shitty! You must have been scared going through a birth that happened prematurely... I can only imagine. A lot of things have happened that must have made you feel very out of control. Not to mention the crazy bubbling mess of hormones and tiredness - good grief! Sometimes it's necessary to say 'I feel crap today' and not have to justify that in any way. I've got a lot of respect for you OP - you got this!
Perhaps other people may seem to downplay your experience because they're trying to make you look on the bright side, when that's not what you really need from them.

Thank you. I feel a bit better today. I crave time off but then if I arrange that to happen then I dread it actually coming round. I would still take the time off but my issue the last few months has been other people cancelling on our plans. I think I've arranged 2-3 hours off on about 8-10 occasions and I've only been able to take advantage of it twice as it's been cancelled last minute (not by me). It sounds odd because I said I dread actually leaving the baby but when this has happened I've been so upset / in tears. I think because I realise how badly I need some time off.

I feel like my DH has had loads of time off and it's hard not to resent it.