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Postnatal health

As with all health-related issues, please seek advice from a RL health professional if you're worried about anything.

Flip

Original poster

Struggling

19 replies

Dancinggame · 03/10/2018 21:50

I have twin boys 5 weeks old. I am finding this so difficult. I just want to walk away.
I have never been very maternal, and I just don’t feel any bond with them.
Everyday is the same just little sleep and then feeding them. I don’t want to do this anymore....I keep thinking my husband should just meet someone else and then they can possibly have a better life then I can give them.
How do people do this, I feel like all the joy has been sucked out of my life. I can’t keep doing this. Please somebody tell me how I carry on.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

BifsWif · 03/10/2018 21:52

Dear lord, I felt like this with one never mind two! It’s hard work, really fucking hard work and I maintain that the first 12 weeks are something that you have to get through rather than enjoy.

It gets easier, so much easier, and more fun. The bond will come in time. Could you speak to your midwife and let her know how you’re feeling?

Original poster

Dancinggame · 03/10/2018 22:02

I don’t know how to talk to anyone. I tried to talk to my husband and he keeps saying it will get better. And honestly he is struggling as well, I don’t want to add to his problems.
I just don’t know how to keep going whenever I am alone with them I just can’t stop crying.
I don’t think I can do this.

OP posts:

piglet81 · 03/10/2018 22:06

It will get better, but right now it's horrible and you need some help. It must be so hard having twins. Have you got a sympathetic health visitor/midwife you can call in the morning? There will definitely be some help out there for you

BifsWif · 03/10/2018 22:13

You could show your midwife this thread if you can’t talk? Just show her what you’ve written here.

You can do it. You are doing it. Despite feeling this way you are still looking after them, still feeding them and keeping them safe.

Please tell someone how you’re feeling, I promise things will start to improve soon and you’ll feel better with some additional support

Original poster

Dancinggame · 03/10/2018 22:13

I don’t feel that close to her. I don’t know how to start that conversation.
I just want my husband to be happy and I think they all will be better of without me. I can’t do this.
I feel so overwhelmed, how does anyone enjoy looking after children? I am so baffled by people’s happy pictures on social media? How do they have normal clothes on- make-up? I have not had a shower for over a week- how do people cope?

OP posts:

BifsWif · 03/10/2018 22:15

Do not believe social media. Just don’t. If you looked at my Instagram today you’d see lots of lovely pictures of crafty things with my DD. They don’t show me sitting by her bed for hours getting wound up, or having to go to bed with no tea and the house looking like a shit tip.

They won’t be better off without you, you’re their mummy. Do you have any other family around you?

Original poster

Dancinggame · 03/10/2018 22:22

My family have been helping for a few hours on a couple of days. I just don’t know how to talk to them- I have let everyone down. My husband is just frustrated with my crying.
I just can’t keep doing this- anyone else could be their mother. Somebody who can cope, I can’t do this.

OP posts:

RLOU30 · 03/10/2018 22:29

OP I was you but with one baby so you are doing so,so well with two getting to 5 weeks you must be tired x Honestly the first 3 months are fucking awful imo and you get very little back, I do sometimes still feel unfulfilled and like I want to get on a very long distance train but it goes away quicker these days (baby is 4MO). He smiles so much and even watches me move around with a little grin on his face. You will get there but please don’t suffer in silence. I was very vocal about my feelings and I think that’s what helped me through xx look after yourself x

RLOU30 · 03/10/2018 22:32

Also you haven’t let ANYONE down not your husband not your children no one! I don’t care what anyone says they are too young to know you feel like this and you are doing this. Their needs are met I assume just you probably expected to full instantly in love (thanks to fing social media) and didn’t. I didn’t either !

RLOU30 · 03/10/2018 22:32

Fall*

TokyoSushi · 03/10/2018 22:38

Oh lovely, it's hard, and there is absolutely no shame in asking for help.

Could you start with your GP perhaps, you could just show them this thread?

Perhaps start tomorrow with a plan to do something that will help you to feel better and focus on that.

SPR1107 · 03/10/2018 22:48

You can do this!

If you don't feel close to your HV could you call the main line and tell one of them over the phone, maybe you'd feel better talking about it on the phone rather than face to face? Or what about your doctor.

What your feeling is not out of the ordinary, do not feel like you're alone in how you feel, but for you and for them, get some support.

I hated the first 8 weeks, cried constantly, told my husband to get my baby away from me, I don't even want to look at him... I got through it, and you will too.

The fact that you're recognising how you feel already shows how much you care

Original poster

Dancinggame · 03/10/2018 23:35

I can’t talk to my HV- I can’t even talk to my husband. We had such a great relationship and now that has gone down the drain. I feel like I never see him anymore.
This was such a massive mistake having children. How long can I continue 2 hour feeds? My HV does not seem to understand why I cannot get sleep overnight? I literally don’t get a break...they have been crying now for an hour. They both won’t stop. I can’t do this. I absolutely cannot do this.

OP posts:

SPR1107 · 04/10/2018 04:25

What if you formula fed? Would that help? Husband could do some feed whilst you got some sleep? A lack of sleep has a lot to answer for.
If you really feel that strongly, please please talk to a professional

Ohapples · 04/10/2018 04:56

dancinggame what are feeling is completely normal right now, for every mum smug new mum who is living the dream there is another feeling just like you. You won’t believe me right now but humour me and everyone else who is saying something similar.

Firstly you are exhausted and still have hormones levelling out, it’s only five weeks, you are seeing and feeling things how you would have done a year ago or with do in months to come, you won’t feel like this forever.

Secondly don’t worry about the bond not being there immediately, some parents mums and dads have it at first sight, some it takes times and grows. People just don’t talk very openly about it. My child was prem, and I was a young mum, the bond just wasn’t there straight away, for me ‘faking it till you make it’ worked and I was affectionate so that helped. I remember about 6months in it just hit me and I thought ‘ah ha this what everyone feels’ it continued to grow and now he’s a teenager and we are very close. I know another parent who hated the 1st year, lied and went through motions when everyone was congratulating them etc, now the child’s 5years and they love being parent....all I suggest is give your self time.

Lastly talk to people and get support. If you can’t talk to ‘your’ health visitor talk to another, talk to your doctor or book to see another you think you can talk to. Homestart can be really helpful too

BifsWif · 04/10/2018 07:57

How are you this morning OP?

Original poster

Dancinggame · 04/10/2018 12:24

Morning- I am feeling okay. I feel like such a moaner as my husband is helping. We are formula feeding, so we do shifts to try and give each other sleeps. He does all the cooking he is brilliant with them. He seems so besotted with the kids.
I just lie in bed not wanting to come downstairs when I wake up as I know I have to look after them again. I constantly mess up- nappy not on correctly/ they wee and wet themselves. I don’t know what they need....and I feel just trapped in this room by myself crying. I am finding this really hard to believe that it will ever get better.

OP posts:

BifsWif · 04/10/2018 12:38

I’m glad you’re feeling ok.

It’s so hard to believe when you’re in the thick of it but I promise, PROMISE, that it does get easier. I remember with my second thinking I’d made a terrible mistake and making my husband take her away. She is the absolute light of my life now and I’m so sad that I ever felt this way.

What I’m trying to say is it is normal, no matter how much society/SM tells us otherwise so many women have felt how you do, and most of us only had one. I can’t imagine the pure exhaustion, and everything that comes with that, of having two.

It is relentless, but it eases. They’ll start to sleep better, and feed better. You’ll find your way slowly. Be kind to yourself, and please think about reaching out to a doctor or midwife. PND is awful and I left it too long before seeking help. Im not saying that’s what you have, but it’s something to keep in mind x

Mathbat · 04/10/2018 12:58

Hi, my twins are nearly two but I remember the early days so well. Having newborn twins is just relentless as somebody always wants feeding or changing or winding or cuddling. Good that you are formula feeding as it means others can help with feeding a bit.

Practical tips, which helped me:

Get yourself to your local twins club, if at all possible. Check TAMBA website to find one. Mine was brilliant, we all sat round with greasy hair and red eyes and compared notes about how shit it was! People with one baby to look after don’t “get it” but other multiple parents do. Nobody judged anyone for formula feeding / sleep training / using dummies etc etc as we all knew we were just trying to survive.

Buy a couple of baby Bjorn bouncy chairs off eBay. They can be laid nearly flat and the bouncing motion is very gentle and sent my two off to sleep. On bad days I’d put them in it, count 100 bounces, and 9/10 times they'd be asleep. You can also use them in the more upright position and then sit between with a bottle in each hand to feed two babies at once.

When one wakes for a feed, wake the other one and feed him. Eventually they will synch and then you stand a chance of getting a chunk of sleep. Everything will feel better after some sleep. My husband and I used to take a baby each rather than the shift system so that the feeding/ winding/ changing cycle was over as fast as possible and we could get back to sleep.

If you want a shower, put babies somewhere safe (cot, bouncer etc) and have a shower. They’ll yell, but for ten minutes once a day, it won’t cause them irreparable damage.

Hope this helps a bit. You are doing brilliantly. Mother Nature only gives twins to mums who can cope with them and you will find reserves of strength you didn’t know you had.

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