5 weeks of constant waking through night and I can't do it anyore

[NationalShiteDay]

Baby is 14 weeks. I have PND which is very closely linked to sleep deprivation. I feel fine if I sleep. Suicidal if I don't.

Baby slept well at first, waking once or twice a night. Now he wakes ever 1.5/2 hours through the night. He's not even hungry really. Just wakes. He settles well after a feed. He's EBF.

I can't do it any more. DH is supportive and has said he'll use the freezer milk to try and give me a break. I have lots of support in RL, but I still can't do it. It's too hard.

I just want to sleep for more than 2 hours. I think I could cope better even if I just got 3.

Baby naps in the day but it's unpredictable and hard won. I can't sleep when he sleeps as me head is throbbing in pain.

I can't co-sleep as it gives me nightmares where I'm suffocating someone. Plus I think he just feeds more. Not an option. He's in a cot next to me.

I don't know what to do.

Your baby is still so so young and although it doesn't seem like it right now , it all evens out and you start to get more sleep through the night and once you have an established routine over the next few months you will know a time frame in the day he is likely to nap etc

I'm sorry I can't be of any more help but all I can do is offer a virtual cup of tea , a hug and say that it does get better and try and enjoy it for what it is at this stage as it goes in a blip x

I am sending you hugs OP. It's really hard. I struggled a lot with the sleep deprivation but nowhere near the extent you are describing. How is feeding during the day? Is it similar to the night? Could he have day and night mixed up perhaps. I know you are probably exhausted and glad of any extended period in the day when he is sleeping or not feeding but I would make a real effort to offer him lots of feeds in the day and have plenty of light and noise around so he can start to tell the difference between night and day.

Hi OP, can you combi feed and use formula at night? Or express so your husband can do a night of feeds while you go sleep elsewhere with some ear plugs in to get a good rest? Even just one night a week would help you

Hi OP,
Getting on top of your mental health is the number one priority for you and your baby. Whatever it takes. Perhaps getting hubby to give a bottle of formula at 10pm so you can get to bed and then hopefully this might fill baby up until 2 or 3am. Absolutely ask for help from whoever you can.

Hi OP

I could have almost written your post a few years ago. My DD was an awful sleeper.
She was wonderful until she was about 7/8 months then the frequent waking started and the refusal to nap. By 10 months old I wanted to die with the lack of sleep. My DD was FF though and was just looking for comfort but like you I got no more than an hours sleep at a time. My DH didn't understand. She is our first and only and he thought that this was the norm and that I just try get used to it. It is TORTURE. He did try help when he could though.
Have you any family that can give you a few hours break every now and then? So you can sleep? If not I would seriously consider putting her onto a creche 3 mornings a week to give you time to relax.
Please pm me if you need to talk.

I'm really sorry you are feeling like this. I can't promise you an overnight fix. I had the same. It got better - a mixture of him gettting older, better at feeding and better and being in the cot.
Do you have a sleepyhead? I found that useful.
Echo the advice about day feeds being noisy and night feeds being quiet.
Have you got a sling?
Perhaps try day naps in that?
Or throw some uggs and a warm coat on, walk round the block with the buggy to get him(?) off to sleep. And then you can rest.
Drive to the supermarket if he will sleep on the way- take a duvet and some dark glasses and sleep that way.

Nighttime, I would try doing one boob, proper burping and then the other boob so you know he's full. If he wakes after 90 minutes could your partner walk him up and down to try and settle him back to sleep.
Use white noise - perfect sounds for baby sleep on Spotify.
Or put him in the crib, you lie on the edge of the bed so he can smell you and feel your hair, and just rhythmically pat him to sleep.
I think he's feeding quite often but he's little and still getting used to it. I promise you will get some sleep soon - maybe in two or three weeks (sorry but it's the truth).
I know you feel like chucking yourself or the baby out the window, but it will pass. I've been there and you will get through it.
You've done 5 weeks already. You've got this.

Good luck xxx

Oh OP

If you’re suicidal you need to sit down and reappraise things with your DP today. Work out a plan, pull in whatever other support you can. Just be honest - get a plan for the next couple months.

Sleep deprivation eases and you will be ok but suicidal feelings mean you need to make some changes now. Can you also contact your GP / HV - today?

FWIW I am sure you are doing a brilliant job. Well done for getting through the past few months.

You do need support if you are feeling suicidal.

In terms of the little one... some things to try if you haven’t already- swaddling tightly and white noise. My third is just past that age and I find he will drift back off to white noise if I put it on when he stirs (I use ocean sounds on my phone). His tummy is big enough to hold enough milk to last longer, it’s working out how to teach that.

A dummy? Only my second would have one but that can help settle.

OP I really sympathise.

Please get help from your GP for the PND, there is no need to suffer needlessly with this, it's truly awful.

Secondly, definitely get your husband to give the last feed at night - bottle of formula if you have to - don't add to your stress by having to pump etc, your mental health needs to come first right now. Hopefully if you can get a solid 3 or 4 hours before the night wakings begin, you'll start to feel better soon. It's relentlessly hard work OP.

I’ve been going through the same hell for 8 months now. DP sleeps every night with the excuse that he earns money to keep a roof over our heads and commutes on a busy motorway so he has to be well rested. Plus the baby is BF and won’t take a bottle so he claims there’s nothing he can do to help. I hate him down to his bones.

I live in a permanent fog. I fall over and bump into things and drop dishes. I don’t have the energy to even push the pram round the block. I sit on the sofa and can’t watch tv because I don’t have the brain power to concentrate. It’s like I’m in a bubble and nothing feels real. Nobody cares - screw me as long as the baby is healthy. I’ve given up crying and complaining because nobody is bothered. I just drag myself through every day in silence as if I was swimming through treacle.

I’ve threatened to call SS and give up the baby so I can sleep. Or commit suicide so DP has to look after the baby at night. Or separate from him so I get every other weekend off when he has access. It’s just threats though - my baby needs me so I have no other choice but to keep going. One day at a time... one day turns into one hundred days... focus on just coping with the next hour, and then the next.

Thank you all so much for your replies, I really do appreciate it.

Your absolutely right, we do need to prioritise my mental health. I think mix feeding may be a good way forward so that DH can do more in the night. Expressing milk is a bit like flogging a dead horse at this point.

His tummy is big enough to hold enough milk to last longer, it’s working out how to teach that this is really good point that I hadn't considered. I just thought I had to feed him when he wakes, if that makes sense. But yes, if he's not long fed before then I think something like white noise or rocking back to sleep would be a good idea. I'll try it tonight. Unfortunately he doesn't take a dummy, and it's not for my lack of trying.

Have you got a sling yes many! I've had some success getting him to sleep in one and then sitting up in a comfy chair for a snooze. Feels safer that way and has helped.

Drive to the supermarket if he will sleep on the way- take a duvet and some dark glasses and sleep that way honestly, this is a great idea! Our local supermarket has an underground car park which is dark so I'd go a bit more unnoticed wrapped up in a sleeping bag. Thank you!!!

SpikyCactus am so sorry you're having such a hard time of it. Your partner sounds like a complete bellend. I've had exactly the same thoughts. I just have to keep reminding myself that with suicide the pain transfers from the victim to their loved ones. I'd NEVER want my children to experience this pain. So I keep going. Minute by minute sometimes. It's hard. But you're right, it will pass. I hope you get some support and rest.

Much love everyone, and thank you. You've all helped.

Hi OP, I also agree that getting help for your PND must be top priority, especially if you feel suicidal.
I actually think you’re doing the right thing feeding baby back to sleep after each wake. I have three kids and this is by far the quickest method I’ve found of getting them back to sleep.
Babies do wake hourly for months sometimes (my 10mo is currently waking every 1/2 hours!). It’s exhausting. But I know from experience that it does just get better as they get older and they do start to sleep for longer.
I think mixed feeding would help you as DH could give a bottle at say 10pm. Go to end as early as you can to get sleep whenever you can.
But this is just babies really - there is nothing “wrong” with your baby, in my experience of bad sleepers you just have to ride it out. Good luck

It's awful OP. My little one woke every hour for months and months, he just had to get bigger for it to pass. He's 18 months now and sleeping through no problem (when not teething)
The thing that saved me was me and DP doing alternate nights, we saw it as both our problem. And he knew a mum going crazy from sleep deprivation isn't going to make a happy home life.

I really empathise OP. My second was like this. She napped in the day if I worked hard at it, but only in the sling. Night time was awful. I got to the point where I was hallucinating and it wasn't safe for me to look after her. I actually posted on here and got a lot of "it doesn't last forever" (which it doesn't), but honestly it just made me feel even more desperate. I didn't feel suicidal but I did regret having her for a long while. As soon as I slept I didn't feel like that anymore.

My advice is to go to bed as soon as your DH comes in, or at least bed by 7/7:30 and get him to take over. Get him to bring baby to you for any feeds and then hand baby back. I echo the suggestion of a bottle of formula at around 10pm. Then you officially take back over at midnight.

I think I survived on chocolate and caffeine....but then someone pointed out to me that the caffeine was probably transferring through my milk. Not sure how true that is but possibly worth a mention.

This WILL pass.

OP, can you afford a maternity nurse or even a post natal doula (cheaper)? What you really need first is some sleep and if you have funds to pay someone to help then I would absolutely do this as soon as possible. Everything will seem more tackleable if you have more rest. If you can't afford to pay for help is there anyone around who would help during the day so you can rest?

Thank you again for the suggestions. DH is a doctor and works very long shifts, so handing baby to him as soon as he comes in isn't always practical.

We do have funds for a night nanny/postnatal doula though. I hadn't considered this so thank you for the suggestion.

I think I'm going to try the 10pm bottle of formula from DH. Bed for me ASAP. Maybe trying to settle baby without feeding if they've not long fed.

I've begun to fear the nights and going to bed, as I know there's no rest

I remember that feeling well - from the early weeks and then again at 5 months (when she started waking every 40 minutes and taking 2 hours to settle each time). I became envious of people walking down the road, knowing they would be sleeping that night. I do feel your pain.

I think your plan sounds good. Do consider handing him to DH as soon as he comes in. I used to feel like this (my DH is a chef and works long hours on his feet all day), but honestly, your mental health is a priority and DH can help and I'm sure would.

It's a cheaper solution.. I'm having great success with a myhummy white noise toy. Could be worth a shot. I was beside myself with exhaustion and now only waking 1-2 times per night.