I feel cross quite alot of the time...

[EmmaJR1]

I have 2 chidren, a ds (16 months) and a dd (12 weeks). I am currrently finding things a bit tough and I dont know how to improve things.

I am always one very short step away from tears, ratty children (which is totally normal, i know this) make me irrationally cross and feel like I am not coping. Quite often I feel like I am not cut out for parenting at all.

I have moments where my poor dh can do no right. Random people in supermarkets get short shrift if they are fannying about because I have no patience. At the moment I regualarly feel inadequate as a mum, unattractive as a wife and to be honest unfulfilled.

I am on Maternity leave but dont plan to return to work, I think this is part of my problem, I have always worked and feel this is a big part of who I am (or was). Relying on someone else to pay the bills is uncomfortable for me.
My Dh pays all the bills at the moment (because of mat pay) and my money is for me, my phone, social activities and things I need. We are changing all our accounts to joint so that once I no longer recieve Mat Pay I will have full access to the family pot. I think what I am feeling is a reaction to somehow losing independance? I had my children later in life (Im 38) and having always been responsible for myself I feel its hard to financially depend on someone else.

Returning to work is not an option for me for the next 3/4 years as I find it very difficult to leave my children with other people. I have 6 people in total I would leave them with and feel happy, confident and relaxed. (I KNOW this is not helping but I feel quite strongly about it. Maybe irrationlally and definitately to my detriment!) I also know I am extremely lucky to be in the position to have this choice.

Since having my son (and more recently daughter) I cant seem to find time to put on make-up or read a book and I sometimes resent this.
I love my children more than I can express but sometimes when I have to cross my legs because Im desperate for a wee and ds and dd start at the same time I get so annoyed that they have to come first each and everytime.

BUT I wouldnt ever change my life - I wouldn't be without them, I wouldn't make them wait and cry, I wouldn't ever put their comfort and happiness second to mine so why do I feel so bloody second rate as a mum? When Im upset my go-to phrase to my dh is "Im not cut out for this"

I want to feel happy and content and Im not sure how to achieve this.

Sorry for the length of the post - Its not even explaining it all properly!

It's mainly sleep deprivation OP. Serious impact it has on new Mothers.

It's so early at the moment....two under two is a MASSIVE undertaking.

I can only advise you to let go of the money worries at the moment but stow away the thought that when they're a bit older, there's nothing to stop you working again.

That's for then. With a baby this young, all you can comfortably do is keep them happy and healthy and do your best by your own needs.

Are you breastfeeding? If not, get one day a week to yourself. Even half a day would do. Where you can go shopping or for a coffee or to do whatever it is you like to do.

Thanks so much for reading. I can't really blame sleep deprivation- both children sleep through. I know how lucky I am.

I'm formula feeding but I think you have a point about the time to myself thing. I have none. Or if I do it's to do the supermarket shop or chores. And it's of my own making!

My dh would facilitate it but I feel like I'm at home I should be doing all the childcare and all the chores.
This is madness because if someone else was saying this to me I'd be telling them they are ridiculous and to take advantage of sleeping babies and a lovely dh and get out and about!!!

I need to learn how to be happy again - I think I'm stuck in a rut and it's self- perpetuating.

Have you spoken to your health care worker about PND?

@Haireverywhere no but I'm considering a chat. I honestly don't think I have PND. I've considered it but I really do think it's the massive change in circumstances and my failure to adapt. I'm aware that if I don't do something it could develop in to something worse.

Logically I know I should be grateful To have the life I have and the choices that are available to me - I'm lucky to have what I have - I just can't seem to appreciate it emotionally.

Woah there. What a self critical way to think about it. It's not a "failure to adapt". You are going through a huge set of changes in your life. Talking to someone about that would be good I think. It's not about you not feeling grateful, if it were then no one with a nice lifestyle or no money worries, healthy family and happy kids would ever be depressed. I'm not saying you are depressed but maybe the changes in your lifestyle are as you say a bit overwhelming and with professional support you might start to feel better.

Definitely take time OP.

It's vital not only for your health but also for the well-being of your children.

It helps me to think of it like that when I feel guilty for shipping my (much older than yours) children off to their Grandma for the night so DH and I can be alone or so that I can just do what I want for 24 hours.

I don't feel bad now at all....now I come to think of it! It's a necessary thing....important.

It's a weird sort of half-life that you live when babies are as small as yours....like living in a dream of some kind.

Since yours is bottle fed (as mine were) it's that bit easier for you to physically escape once a week. Arrange it with your DH.

PND can require different in how it presents to typical depression

Also increased irritability and feelings of low self worth are extremely common in depression generally.

Have you heard of PNA?(post natal anxiety)
Again can present differently (though similarly) to typical anxiety. And it's kind if like PNDs often over looked ugly sister.

I really recommend you speak to your GP and/or health visitor as honestly as you can, and ask how you refer yourself for talking therapies.
It really can help.
It might be that you and GP think medication is also you want to consider, but it is absolutely your decision.

Please do get some help.
You honestly can, and do deserve to feel better than this

PND can be* different (not require )

I think you should generally just be easier on yourself. With such young children and should a close age gap you are hardly going to Find life a bed of roses atm. Things will get easier. Try and adjust your expectations of yourself.

Thank you everyone- I'm very teary reading your comments. I'm going to try and speak to the hv- I'm quite private so it will be hard but I think necessary as you're quite right my children need the best of me and they (and dh) aren't getting it.

It's so comforting having a sounding board that you don't then worry will be thinking you can't cope every time you see them. Thank you so much.

@Foodylicious I think talking therapies would be my first choice. I don't think it's PND or PNA but I do think I need to act now so it doesn't escalate.
Thanks for your advice

@AjasLipstick half life is a very accurate description of my life at the moment- I have to schedule a bath and that's just stupid!

Honestly you are in a really challenging moment!

I’ve been in and out the other end. I really really recommend a talking therapy of some kind. Actually I think all new mums could do with this. Properly assessing your place in the world, dealing with worry about responsibilities you couldn’t imagine before. Dealing with guilt for resenting children. God and that’s before money and relationships come in!

Don’t hold back. If your knee was not functioning properly you wouldn’t hesitate to get help. Do this for you and the long term

And also - take any course that has a crèche ;-)

You keep saying you have to be grateful because you're so extremely lucky to be able to be a SAHM, but you don't have to be grateful and love every minute if in the end it doesn't suit you. It's early days yet. But if you keep feeling like this I'd consider finding a very trusted nanny or childminder and going back to work.