Help - Crying Mumma

[CornishMumma01]

Hello - sorry for the long story I'm about to tell but I just need help ☹️.

My baby girl is now 8 weeks old and I feel like I can't do anything right by my husband. He works full time, leaving the house by 7;45am and coming home about 6pm ish.

I try my best to clean the house (the usual washing, hoovering, dishes, very quick wipe down of bathroom etc) and there is always tea ready for when he gets home. We have dogs which I'm not allowed to walk by myself (not that he walks them either) by I try to entertain them during the day which is not easy. This does not mean that for DD get neglected though. I fill our days with either trips out with friend or family or just us, reading, tummy time, naked baby time, conversations, relaxing baths and general stimulating play. I make sure she has attention but also time where she can learn to observe and play by herself.

To my DH I am lazy though and worthless. I am told on the one hand as long as DD is happy etc then he doesn't care if the house needs cleaning. That can wait. Then the next day I am told I do nothing for 11 hours a day and "sit on my fat arse" watching tv. (Btw the Tv is rarely on but it's not to say I don't watch a bit of daytime tv sometimes!). He gets angry at me, shouts, wakes our DD up which means she won't go back down. He says I am creating a monster who doesn't stop crying and whinging because she's spoilt (she does cry and has her unsettled period at any time between 7-11pm). He says I should let her cry it out for hours on end (I don't always rush in thought) but I won't allow that to happen.

The only time he plays with her is on his terms, ie when she's happy and awake. I sleep down stairs with her (and have for several weeks) so he can get a good night sleep to drive to work etc.

There's so much more but I'm sure you mummies get the idea of how it is!

Am I being a good mum or am I overrating? I am truly being lazy?! This is my first so I'm not sure what the norm is or what to expect. I'm just trying to be the best mum I can ☹️

Love a Cornish Mumma X

She's tiny. Please don't let her cry it out! Babies don't know how to manipulate at that age and cry because they need to be close to you.

Your other half sounds selfish and ridiculous. It's not nice to come home to a fussy cluster feeding baby, but it's also not nice to have a fussing cluster feeding baby who won't settle when you - the one who has been with her all day- are tired and could do with an extra pair of hands.

At 8 weeks I was just recovering so the things that you are doing already are great. You are a good Mum. If it was me I would tell OH to shut up.

I certainly wasn't doing any cooking or housework when I had an 8 week old

Honestly tell him to go fuck himself....but yeah just ignore his comments about the house. Take it easy with wee one

Why can't you walk the dogs by yourself? Thats my LO's fav activity.

Tv is always on in my house, we don't fill our days with activities, normally 1thing a day. Housr is kind of clean/tidy.

Baby is 7 months old

Wow! I can’t believe what I’m reading. You are doing an amazing job and your husband’s behaviour is disgusting!

I myself have an 8 week old baby and don’t do half of the stuff you’re doing. My husband does all the cooking, laundry, dog walking etc. because I’m the one who’s been looking after the baby all day/ night which is physically and emotionally exhausting.

How dare he let you sleep downstairs and treat you like this. I’m so angry for you OP, he’s appalling and you should seriously leave him if things don’t change. He’s the failure not you, you sound like an amazing Mum.

This is not normal at all I feel so sorry for you! Your baby is still tiny you should still be cuddling on the couch and resting and recovering !

My baby is nearly 6months and I’m happy if I managed to get dog walked. And the dishes done and a wash on and that’s me . If I manage more then great. Also try to go to baby groups 3 times a week .

My husband doesn’t help much with the cleaning but he normally always cooks dinner and never complains if anything isn’t done!

He’s treating you horribly. You are not being lazy and you shouldn’t be sleeping on the couch out they way.
Why did he want the have a child if he treats you and the baby like that !

Sorry to sound blunt but it sounds like your in an abusive relationship. I would tell him where to go, sounds like your in a single parent relationship anyway.

You dont need to be feeling like that and you should be supported in every way by your partner.

Your OH sounds totally unreasonable. This should be a time when HE is supporting YOU. Your body and mind will still be recovering from the birth and adjusting to the demands of a tiny human. I wasn’t even thinking about dog walking and housework during this time and it should not be something you’re having to worry about.
As for “creating a monster” ........ WTH??!!! He sounds like a monster.........Did he behave like this ever before baby was born?
Crying is a baby’s way of communicating. She is so tiny. Please don’t let her cry it out. In my opinion you can’t spoil them at this age. It is such a precious time where you just cuddle her as much as you both want and build that bond.
You are not lazy or worthless. You sound like you’re doing an amazing job!

Thank you for all the support ladies ☺️ we have had a particularly bad evening. OH was lovely when he got home but then just turned into his usually grumpy self. Not only was DD crying to be fed while I was getting everything ready for bed, he decided he wouldn't feed her until I was back so I had to do it because she was a 'brat' for stamping her feet! I tried to say she's just frustrated because she's hungry but he just kept cutting me off and told me to shut up because his opinion didn't matter. 🙄😖 he also said it's my faults she like that, that the dogs are becoming a nightmare (they get exited when he comes home and because he doesn't say hello they keep trying) and that we have a crap house (we both bought the house 2 years ago...)

I'm seriously at my wits end. I try to be nice and do nice stuff, keep the house relatively clean and tidy so he doesn't have to lift a finger, tea ready for him but nothing NOTHING I say or do or not say or do matters. I seriously can't cope anymore 😢

What? He let's his baby go hungry to spite you? If I'd know you I would have called SS. You need to leave him. He is abusing you both and it will only get worse. Pack your bags and leave.

That's not really supportive of me @Westworldmaeve and actually makes me feel worse...

It's horrible that he treats your daughter this way and I mean it. I would call SS in this situation. I don't want to support you in staying with this horrible man, I want you to go and give your child a good life, not an abusive one.

Do you seriously want support to stayand have him treat you both like shit?

You know that you both deserve better.

This is awful OP, he clearly doesn't care about you not your child and you deserve so much better. Is there anyone you can go stay with?

He is a monster and will not change. What reasonable person could possibly think that a tiny baby was 'being a brat''

Can’t believe he treated your daughter like that ! He’s clearly not cut out to be a father! You really need to take your daughters safety into your hands. Do you have family or friends you can stay with ? To try and work something out . I understand you must be feeling terrible but his behaviour is not normal and you need to protect yourself and her.

Was he like this before you had your DD? He is awful, really unsupportive and I would not be cooking anything for him. You have a new born so your main focus is her. If you can manage the dogs take them out with the baby in a sling. They are probably in need of exercise and that is why they are boisterous.

Based on your posts, it sounds as if you are doing a terrific job in a bad situation with a very unpleasant man. He is very unlikely to change, except for the worse, and in your position I would leave.

Oh love, I think you know that how he's treating you both isn't right or normal. From how he's speaking to you to his completely mad expectations of a baby, he sounds dreadful. She's 8 weeks old. It's not possible to spoil an 8 week old. All she knows to do is to cry when she needs something - she has no other way of communicating yet. So she's not being spoilt when she's crying, she's just asking for help. You sound like you're doing a phenomenal job - neither my firstborn, nor my 4 week old, got/are getting anywhere near the sort of stimulation that your DD is getting. Please don't let him tell you otherwise - it's so incredibly hard having a newborn but you're doing so much. But is this what you want her to grow up with? Is this how you want her to think men should treat women? You sound so lovely, and he sounds awful. You both deserve so much better than this.

This is blatantly abusive behaviour from him, and for the sake of your child and your animals, I would make plans to leave. Your dogs deserve better too, not walking them is extremely unfair, and i know you have your hands full. I would try and rehome them - but do it properly and not by putting them on gumtree saying free to a good home, as they often end up abused as a result.

Where is your closest family from where you are? What about local friends and such? I hope there is someone you can reach out to close by, if not then perhaps we can find you some resources to help.

Going to step out of line here: it sounds like he's being a twat, first. Babies are hard work and it sounds like you're doing fine. I mean good grief wiping down the bathroom?! I'm impressed.

Here's the out of line bit. Having a new person in the family is hard for everyone. Your H doesn't have postnatal hormones but he might well be failing to process a lot of big feelings. Incipient depression, etc. Grief for his old life, possibly. That doesn't mean he gets a pass on being a twat, but it does mean that maybe he can make a change, if he wants to. Mumsnet line is that he's an abusive monster, etc, but presumably you married him for a reason and maybe the guy you loved can get back on his feet and sort himself out. One hopes.

Hey @CornishMumma01, just wanted to check in and see how you're doing now? Hope things are going a little better

Personally I think you need to tell not so Darling husband to go and fuck himself.
You do not need his negativity, nor does your beautiful baby.
If he doesn't like it, tell him to go elsewhere. Your are doing your best and that should be good enough for him. He sounds a right shrek only wanting to bother with baby when he's in the right mood.
Get rid of him